Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 12

yesman065 · 01-30-2006, 10:58 AM

I went for 10 of the 17 years I was married "without having my needs fulfilled." And now just months later, I am infinitely happier, my children are relieved not to hear the fighting and screaming all the time, and my ex is actually tolerable - in small doses of course. I'm sorry, but after her cheating on me repeatedly, lying to me consistently, and stealing checks and money from me too many times to count, I think it was a very painful necessity. Sticking around for "The kids, my "Roman Catholic" religious obligations or my morals only cost me another five years of my/our lives. If I had known what I know now - I'd definitely have left years ago and all would have been the better for it!

Becca · 01-31-2006, 09:41 PM

Wow, I have been perusing the web trying to get some insight into my own situation and definitely stumbled into alot of insight!

Lookout, I am so sorry for your anguish. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you.
Like Chimmi, I am having trouble in my marriage as well. I have a devoted husband who declares that he loves me and still gets butterflies. I have no end of compliments to my body and our physical relationship. Yet, I just wish he would leave me alone and let me go. We have so little to talk about and when we do, we argue about the most stupid things. I am hoping that I feel lost, suffocated, and drowning simply because of depression. We live within a stone's throw of his parents (a new development) which does not help at all. I really detest the area in which we live and don't enjoy his parents, who are a large part of his life. My two boys are my light and joy and I have stayed home with them since their births. In fact, I have homeschooled them for 5 years. If it weren't for them, I think I would have left already. Who knows?

We are all so different and handle fear, disappointments, regrets and resentments differently. Have you asked you wife what she really wants out of life? Sometimes it's hard to face what we want because it sounds selfish. As women, society tends to make us feel that only bitches are selfish and look out for their own needs. Maybe in some way she is living that out? Bottom line, you do need to look out for your needs and those of your son. Children are remarkably resilient - we weren't fragile teacups and neither are our children. All they want is to be loved and have some semblance of safety. Good luck to you!

xoxoxoBruce · 01-31-2006, 10:08 PM

Welcome to the Cellar, Becca.

Hope you find some answers here. Also hope you stick around long enough to find some questions too.

yesman065 · 02-02-2006, 03:41 PM

Bruce, you and your damn insightful tidbits just keep my overactive mind filling with more questions than can be answered. I get an answerto one and three more are generated. I keep ending up with more questions than answers.......................and I love it!

xoxoxoBruce · 02-02-2006, 06:57 PM

It's all part of what Cellarites do for, and too, each other.
I'm just a little.....ok, fat little,..... cog in the wheel.

BrianR · 02-02-2006, 07:40 PM

Funny I should finally read this. My sister waited until just after Xmas to serve divorce papers on HER husband. The same one that I had to have a "discussion" with about his habit of expressing his temper through his fists. Took damn long enough, eleven years if my memory serves.

Sheesh.

Brian

lookout123 · 02-02-2006, 11:28 PM

well, the hellacious ride is still going. she demanded that i give in to her desire for a divorce a few weeks back and i did. immediately the word "divorce" left her vocabulary. it was replaced by "separation". i haven't heard that much lately either.

she did start a full blown psych eval - so did i, to make it easier for her. i was a little disappointed that he said i am well adjusted and do not need to explore anything further. we did the initial interview then the 17 bazillion question survey, then the follow up interview to look at the survey results. she has been pissed ever since. i was amazed at how thorough he was with me in looking at the results of the paper test in only 15 minutes. Mrs Lookout spent 45 minutes with him doing the same and he asked for further sessions. i have no idea (because she didn't sign the consent form) what he is pursuing or what he has found... whatever it is has her spooked though. they called her yesterday to schedule her follow up session - I'd already booked mine and she promptly withdrew from the process and got a little nasty with the Doc. she got more than a little nasty with me with the central theme that "nothing is wrong with me. if there was, i'd know it! he just wants to take more of your money!" (i'm stroking checks for all this. i'd gladly continue doing so.)**

apparently the only thing in the world wrong in her life is that she doesn't have time. no time to spend with LIttle Lookout. i remind her that i've been trying to get her to cut her hours drastically or quit working for some time - she freaks out about me wanting to force her into dependency so she will forever be trapped in a miserable marriage...

yeah, a fun day.

**
as a side note - the Doc is awesome. i just realized that he is only charging me @ 1/2 of his normal rates and has been scheduling our appointments on his days off to fit them into Mrs LOokout's schedule. when she withdrew i told him i'd still be there for my session and he promptly stated he doesn't want my money and he isn't going to waste my time and money on a session i don't need BUT he wants to still meet with me JUST IN CASE we can still get her to show up for appointment. he offered not to charge unless she shows up. i'm pretty impressed. obviously for confidentiality reasons he can't disclose anything, but we had a conversation about listening to "what he says and doesn't say" and drawing the appropriate conclusions. he basically said that YES he has identified something real, significant, treatable. although it wouldn't be "fixed" over night it could be patched up so that real work can be done. sounds like he found something that meds would help with to me. but what the hell do i know? i'm just a glutton for punishment.

02-02-2006, 11:56 PM

Interesting that she refuses to continue. Sounds like you two are getting more the "psych" part of the evaluation than the "neuro" part or at least you are, anyhow, Lookout. The psychologist never gave me so much as the teensiest hint on how I was doing on all the various tests. I knew I was in for the full barrage of them though, because what they were most concerned about in my case was finding possible neurological damage. Sounds as though Mrs. L flipped that they wanted her to do extra testing more then what they asked of you. That's the bad news. At least the doctor believes he could help if she would co-operate.

Think about this, Lookout. Do you really want to stay with and have your son raised by someone who in her heart knows that she has some difficulty that COULD be treated, but refuses that treatment? You're an adult, and if you choose to be a glutton for punishment, that's your free choice, but should the boy have to sign on for that, as well?

Just something to think about.

Brett's Honey · 02-03-2006, 01:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marichiko

Interesting that she refuses to continue.
Think about this, Lookout. Do you really want to stay with and have your son raised by someone who in her heart knows that she has some difficulty that COULD be treated, but refuses that treatment? You're an adult, and if you choose to be a glutton for punishment, that's your free choice, but should the boy have to sign on for that, as well?Just something to think about.

She may change her mind, though, hopefully. One of the first stages of going through a major deal is denial. It could pass. Lookout, I do admire you for your patience and persistence. Keep on hanging in there! You don't know if it will all work out if you don't try, and you already have so much invested in this relationship - time, a child, your heart...and of course, there's her too. We don't know how much she is really hurting, it could be much more than she is willing to show, or admit to herself, much less to anyone else. I tried very hard to hide any pain and doubt when I decided that I "knew" I wanted to divorce my husband. At times, I regret the decision I made eight years ago. Ms. Lookout could very well be trying to do something that she would regret in time. Stay strong! You're doing fantastic!! And you will never regret that you tried your hardest.

lookout123 · 02-08-2006, 08:50 PM

no one is talking about sole custody - for me or her. at this point we have tentatively agreed upon me picking him up from school on tuesday and keeping him until saturday at 3 when she gets off work. with occasionally picking him up for a few hours after school on friday afternoons. that means that majority of the time would be with me.

that also means that if she chooses to continue pretending she is 22 she can party all she wants tuesday through friday.

it isn't perfect, but know court would award sole custody to me and honestly i don't want her to be pushed out of his life. he loves his mother. unless there is a genuine concern for his safety then i won't battle over that.

zippyt · 02-02-2006, 11:41 PM

DRAG her ass KICKING and SCREAMING to this DR !!!!!!
FUCK HER !!!
Its about your son !!!

WabUfvot5 · 02-03-2006, 12:28 AM

Some people have it in their heads that meds are only for loonies or psychos. It is curious one sister is being treated though...

lookout123 · 02-07-2006, 11:27 PM

yeah. don't know what to say. we had a long ago scheduled family vacation in disneyland from friday until earlier today. obviously with all that is going on and not going on that should have logically been cancelled. mrs lookout begged everyone (my family) to carry on, so we did. we were to leave mid afternoon on friday after she got off work. late afternoon we still hadn't heard from her. she came home smashed. she had left work and went to the PGA event. she was spoiling for a fight but i held my temper and calmly told her that i was disappointed she would have so little respect for me, our family, etc. i told her she could stay home or climb in the truck to head to disney - her choice. either way, the rest of us were going because i wasn't going to disappoint little lookout. she got in the truck and "went to sleep".

she woke up pretending nothing had happened and life was grande. we had a great weekend until last night when we were packing to head back to phoenix. the claws came out and the "i need a divorce" chick was there.

she has told me a few times that she hasn't hired an attorney, etc. i knew she'd met with one a couple of times (she said once). he left a voicemail on our home number while we were gone. dumbass. i checked the voicemail and gave her the message. she visibly braced herself for the fight and then almost fell on her face when my only comment was "let me know what is going on with your attorney - i don't see any reason to pay courier fees just to have me officially served". she fell all over herself with the "i haven't decided anything... nothing has been discussed... i don't have a schedule..."

whatever. i don't know what the truth is and i probably never will. i'll meet with my attorney tomorrow to tie up some loose ends. i've written off all the money that i know is in savings (about 6 months pay! damn by the book financial planners

). neither of us has done anything to jeopardize custody. she makes as much as i do, so no spousal support, i won't fight for the house, but it is a community property state so i'll get half the equity. unless her lawyer is a REAL sleezebag there isn't a whole lot to argue about.

of course, i still want to repair the marriage and get her professional help for what seems like an obvious emotional/chemical/psych problem - and i will continue to pay for that if she is willing to seek help rather than file for divorce.

the worst part is the not knowing. it would be so much easier to put a bandage on the wound and tell her to draw up the divorce papers and get on with what life may bring me.

unfortunately, easier is not necessarily better. i still love her and will continue to fight for her as long as she is my wife.

FallenFairy · 02-08-2006, 05:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

...neither of us has done anything to jeopardize custody. of course, i still want to repair the marriage and get her professional help for what seems like an obvious emotional/chemical/psych problem - and i will continue to pay for that if she is willing to seek help rather than file for divorce...

My concern would be little Lookout - if she is presenting emotional/chemical/psych problems, then the question of NOT jeopardizing the little one could become sticky.... How can anyone be sure in that type of situation? Is she claiming that the behaviour she exhibits is caused solely by her desires to have a new life? Does she act out in front of Little Lookout?
Often times when we are unhappy with ourselves we tend to blame everyone and everything around us for our problems.
Have you considered a possible bi-polar or depression issue? My ex was bi-polar and some of what you write seems eerily familiar...

chimmichunga · 02-06-2006, 05:37 PM

Good advice Brett's Honey's advice. Its hard to encourage someone to do something they don't want to do. All you can do is keep trying and see what you can make happen. But your doing a stand up job, and thats saying something. So good luck Mr. Lookout.

01-31-2006, 10:08 PM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Welcome to the Cellar, Becca. Hope you find some answers here. Also hope you stick around long enough to find some questions too. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-02-2006, 06:57 PM	#5
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	It's all part of what Cellarites do for, and too, each other. I'm just a little.....ok, fat little,..... cog in the wheel. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-02-2006, 07:40 PM	#6
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Funny I should finally read this. My sister waited until just after Xmas to serve divorce papers on HER husband. The same one that I had to have a "discussion" with about his habit of expressing his temper through his fists. Took damn long enough, eleven years if my memory serves. Sheesh. Brian __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

02-02-2006, 11:41 PM	#11
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	DRAG her ass KICKING and SCREAMING to this DR !!!!!! FUCK HER !!! Its about your son !!! __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

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01-30-2006, 10:58 AM	#1
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	I went for 10 of the 17 years I was married "without having my needs fulfilled." And now just months later, I am infinitely happier, my children are relieved not to hear the fighting and screaming all the time, and my ex is actually tolerable - in small doses of course. I'm sorry, but after her cheating on me repeatedly, lying to me consistently, and stealing checks and money from me too many times to count, I think it was a very painful necessity. Sticking around for "The kids, my "Roman Catholic" religious obligations or my morals only cost me another five years of my/our lives. If I had known what I know now - I'd definitely have left years ago and all would have been the better for it!

01-31-2006, 09:41 PM	#2
Becca Questionist Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 8	Wow, I have been perusing the web trying to get some insight into my own situation and definitely stumbled into alot of insight! Lookout, I am so sorry for your anguish. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. Like Chimmi, I am having trouble in my marriage as well. I have a devoted husband who declares that he loves me and still gets butterflies. I have no end of compliments to my body and our physical relationship. Yet, I just wish he would leave me alone and let me go. We have so little to talk about and when we do, we argue about the most stupid things. I am hoping that I feel lost, suffocated, and drowning simply because of depression. We live within a stone's throw of his parents (a new development) which does not help at all. I really detest the area in which we live and don't enjoy his parents, who are a large part of his life. My two boys are my light and joy and I have stayed home with them since their births. In fact, I have homeschooled them for 5 years. If it weren't for them, I think I would have left already. Who knows? We are all so different and handle fear, disappointments, regrets and resentments differently. Have you asked you wife what she really wants out of life? Sometimes it's hard to face what we want because it sounds selfish. As women, society tends to make us feel that only bitches are selfish and look out for their own needs. Maybe in some way she is living that out? Bottom line, you do need to look out for your needs and those of your son. Children are remarkably resilient - we weren't fragile teacups and neither are our children. All they want is to be loved and have some semblance of safety. Good luck to you!

02-02-2006, 03:41 PM	#4
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Bruce, you and your damn insightful tidbits just keep my overactive mind filling with more questions than can be answered. I get an answerto one and three more are generated. I keep ending up with more questions than answers.......................and I love it!

02-02-2006, 11:28 PM	#7
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	well, the hellacious ride is still going. she demanded that i give in to her desire for a divorce a few weeks back and i did. immediately the word "divorce" left her vocabulary. it was replaced by "separation". i haven't heard that much lately either. she did start a full blown psych eval - so did i, to make it easier for her. i was a little disappointed that he said i am well adjusted and do not need to explore anything further. we did the initial interview then the 17 bazillion question survey, then the follow up interview to look at the survey results. she has been pissed ever since. i was amazed at how thorough he was with me in looking at the results of the paper test in only 15 minutes. Mrs Lookout spent 45 minutes with him doing the same and he asked for further sessions. i have no idea (because she didn't sign the consent form) what he is pursuing or what he has found... whatever it is has her spooked though. they called her yesterday to schedule her follow up session - I'd already booked mine and she promptly withdrew from the process and got a little nasty with the Doc. she got more than a little nasty with me with the central theme that "nothing is wrong with me. if there was, i'd know it! he just wants to take more of your money!" (i'm stroking checks for all this. i'd gladly continue doing so.) apparently the only thing in the world wrong in her life is that she doesn't have time. no time to spend with LIttle Lookout. i remind her that i've been trying to get her to cut her hours drastically or quit working for some time - she freaks out about me wanting to force her into dependency so she will forever be trapped in a miserable marriage... yeah, a fun day. as a side note - the Doc is awesome. i just realized that he is only charging me @ 1/2 of his normal rates and has been scheduling our appointments on his days off to fit them into Mrs LOokout's schedule. when she withdrew i told him i'd still be there for my session and he promptly stated he doesn't want my money and he isn't going to waste my time and money on a session i don't need BUT he wants to still meet with me JUST IN CASE we can still get her to show up for appointment. he offered not to charge unless she shows up. i'm pretty impressed. obviously for confidentiality reasons he can't disclose anything, but we had a conversation about listening to "what he says and doesn't say" and drawing the appropriate conclusions. he basically said that YES he has identified something real, significant, treatable. although it wouldn't be "fixed" over night it could be patched up so that real work can be done. sounds like he found something that meds would help with to me. but what the hell do i know? i'm just a glutton for punishment.

02-02-2006, 11:56 PM	#8
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Interesting that she refuses to continue. Sounds like you two are getting more the "psych" part of the evaluation than the "neuro" part or at least you are, anyhow, Lookout. The psychologist never gave me so much as the teensiest hint on how I was doing on all the various tests. I knew I was in for the full barrage of them though, because what they were most concerned about in my case was finding possible neurological damage. Sounds as though Mrs. L flipped that they wanted her to do extra testing more then what they asked of you. That's the bad news. At least the doctor believes he could help if she would co-operate. Think about this, Lookout. Do you really want to stay with and have your son raised by someone who in her heart knows that she has some difficulty that COULD be treated, but refuses that treatment? You're an adult, and if you choose to be a glutton for punishment, that's your free choice, but should the boy have to sign on for that, as well? Just something to think about.

02-08-2006, 08:50 PM	#10
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	no one is talking about sole custody - for me or her. at this point we have tentatively agreed upon me picking him up from school on tuesday and keeping him until saturday at 3 when she gets off work. with occasionally picking him up for a few hours after school on friday afternoons. that means that majority of the time would be with me. that also means that if she chooses to continue pretending she is 22 she can party all she wants tuesday through friday. it isn't perfect, but know court would award sole custody to me and honestly i don't want her to be pushed out of his life. he loves his mother. unless there is a genuine concern for his safety then i won't battle over that.

02-03-2006, 12:28 AM	#12
WabUfvot5 Operations Operative Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 634	Some people have it in their heads that meds are only for loonies or psychos. It is curious one sister is being treated though...

02-07-2006, 11:27 PM	#13
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	yeah. don't know what to say. we had a long ago scheduled family vacation in disneyland from friday until earlier today. obviously with all that is going on and not going on that should have logically been cancelled. mrs lookout begged everyone (my family) to carry on, so we did. we were to leave mid afternoon on friday after she got off work. late afternoon we still hadn't heard from her. she came home smashed. she had left work and went to the PGA event. she was spoiling for a fight but i held my temper and calmly told her that i was disappointed she would have so little respect for me, our family, etc. i told her she could stay home or climb in the truck to head to disney - her choice. either way, the rest of us were going because i wasn't going to disappoint little lookout. she got in the truck and "went to sleep". she woke up pretending nothing had happened and life was grande. we had a great weekend until last night when we were packing to head back to phoenix. the claws came out and the "i need a divorce" chick was there. she has told me a few times that she hasn't hired an attorney, etc. i knew she'd met with one a couple of times (she said once). he left a voicemail on our home number while we were gone. dumbass. i checked the voicemail and gave her the message. she visibly braced herself for the fight and then almost fell on her face when my only comment was "let me know what is going on with your attorney - i don't see any reason to pay courier fees just to have me officially served". she fell all over herself with the "i haven't decided anything... nothing has been discussed... i don't have a schedule..." whatever. i don't know what the truth is and i probably never will. i'll meet with my attorney tomorrow to tie up some loose ends. i've written off all the money that i know is in savings (about 6 months pay! damn by the book financial planners ). neither of us has done anything to jeopardize custody. she makes as much as i do, so no spousal support, i won't fight for the house, but it is a community property state so i'll get half the equity. unless her lawyer is a REAL sleezebag there isn't a whole lot to argue about. of course, i still want to repair the marriage and get her professional help for what seems like an obvious emotional/chemical/psych problem - and i will continue to pay for that if she is willing to seek help rather than file for divorce. the worst part is the not knowing. it would be so much easier to put a bandage on the wound and tell her to draw up the divorce papers and get on with what life may bring me. unfortunately, easier is not necessarily better. i still love her and will continue to fight for her as long as she is my wife.

02-06-2006, 05:37 PM	#15
chimmichunga Soylent Greenhorn Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Central Texas Posts: 25	Good advice Brett's Honey's advice. Its hard to encourage someone to do something they don't want to do. All you can do is keep trying and see what you can make happen. But your doing a stand up job, and thats saying something. So good luck Mr. Lookout.

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