Humor...I Need Humor...

[monster]

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkisaurus

[footfootfoot]

What do you call a Buck with no eyes?


No idear.

What do you call a buck with no balls and no eyes?

No fucking idear.

What do you call a buck with no legs, no balls and no eyes?

Still no fucking idear.

[capnhowdy]

MARINE HUMOR

There are two ways to get things done.
1) The Marine way: Go ahead and kick its ass, or
2) The Navy way: Call the Marines.

[Radar]

Tired.....

Marines will line up behind any two people. If you ask them what they're in line for, they'll say "I don't know, but I want some".

The name Marine was invented when a sailor took a shit down a pipe, it hit a fan at went MARINE!

They send marines to shore to clean up the bodies left by the S.E.A.L.S. and because they don't want to waste a sailor on something like that.

In the Navy when I wore my crackerjacks (Enlisted Dress Blues or Whites), the 13 button flap in the front of the pants was called the "Marine Dinner Plate".

[capnhowdy]

Not all Navy people are queers.

Some are bisexual.

[jester]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You
know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's
about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with
hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what
he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes
out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every
step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there
until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast,
young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass
it won't be Cheerios!'

[capnhowdy]

Making Love: what a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

[capnhowdy]

What do 57,000 battered women in America all have in common?
They don't fockin listen.

[skysidhe]

Math for the Fast Lane

This is why math is taught in school.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why..........
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females.
That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? ... I think not.

[classicman]

spoil/But your odds are 1 in 36,000 that you flip off that one/sport

[glatt]

Well the math is all wrong anyway. There may very well be 36,000 cars on the road, but the driver isn't passing that many. I bet the driver only passes at most a couple hundred. The traffic flows together, roughly. You've all been sitting in traffic and seen a car in another lane pass you only to have you pass them 30 seconds later once your lane starts to move. You play tag that way for most of the traffic jam, which means you have been averaging the same speed all along.

[Radar]

Originally Posted by glatt

Well the math is all wrong anyway. There may very well be 36,000 cars on the road, but the driver isn't passing that many. I bet the driver only passes at most a couple hundred. The traffic flows together, roughly. You've all been sitting in traffic and seen a car in another lane pass you only to have you pass them 30 seconds later once your lane starts to move. You play tag that way for most of the traffic jam, which means you have been averaging the same speed all along.

I was thinking this too. And the only people he'd be flipping off are the ones who cut him off, not people he was passing. Who just drives past people flipping them all off?

It sounds like Glatt, classicman, and I feel fairly safe in flipping off people who cut us off in traffic, although I live in Los Angeles, so the odds are greater I'll be killed. You can get shot out here for using your horn when people cut you off. They think if their car will physically fit between you and the car in front of you, it means you're letting them in. They have no clue what "safe following distance" means.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by glatt

Well the math is all wrong anyway. There may very well be 36,000 cars on the road, but the driver isn't passing that many. I bet the driver only passes at most a couple hundred. The traffic flows together, roughly. You've all been sitting in traffic and seen a car in another lane pass you only to have you pass them 30 seconds later once your lane starts to move. You play tag that way for most of the traffic jam, which means you have been averaging the same speed all along.

True, if the traffic is jammed up and inching along, but if the traffic is heavy but flowing, with the lanes at different speeds, in 96 miles he could be passing that many cars.

[glatt]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

True, if the traffic is jammed up and inching along, but if the traffic is heavy but flowing, with the lanes at different speeds, in 96 miles he could be passing that many cars.

Only if his lane is free flowing and the other lane is filled bumper to bumper with stopped cars. For 96 miles.

36,000 cars times 14 feet for the average car length is 504,000 feet or 95.45 miles.

I've never seen driving conditions like that.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by glatt

Only if his lane is free flowing and the other lane is filled bumper to bumper with stopped cars. For 96 miles.

36,000 cars times 14 feet for the average car length is 504,000 feet or 95.45 miles.

I've never seen driving conditions like that.

Yeah, well he says,

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

You can't fit 7 cars in 40 feet therefore he must be talking about the 7 lanes other than the one he's in, so he's counting the cars going the other way, I guess. I wouldn't call a car every 40 feet bumper to bumper. Also 40 into 5280 = 132 x 7 = 924, not 982. And 924 x 32 = 29,568 not 31,424, add the 4,000 on the other 64 miles of road and you get not 36,000 but a measly 33,568.

Say, you don't suppose he was exaggerating because it was a joke?