Humor...I Need Humor...

[Bob R]

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.


But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.


But the Chemist said his cat could do better.


He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
ate the cookies.........
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper........
screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
put in for Workers Compensation................
And went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............


AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[SteveDallas]

"T-square?" How old is that joke?

[Spexxvet]

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

"T-square?" How old is that joke?

Older than my slide rule :p

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by Spexxvet

Older than my slide rule :p

Is that what ya call it?

[monster]

Joke young, cat old?

[Shawnee123]

I'll see your t-square and slide-rule and raise you a protractor.

[glatt]

you can find the protractor in the communal bin. It has a sticker with my daughter's name on it.

[Clodfobble]

It's easy to pick out because it's such a lovely color.

[monster]

is it a red swingline protractor?

[capnhowdy]

[skysidhe]

lol @MJ

I found this yesterday. It is a little long but entertaining.


1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clich?s like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clich?s.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

34. The passive voice should never be used.

35. Do not put statements in the negative form.

36. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

37. A writer must not shift your point of view.

38. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

39. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

40. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

41. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

42. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

43. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

44. Always pick on the correct idiom.

45. The adverb always follows the verb.

46. Be careful to use the rite homonym.

47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

[Spexxvet]

remember to never split an infinitive.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by skysidhe

lol @MJ

I found this yesterday. It is a little long but entertaining.

The list was written by William Safire, R.I.P.

[ZenGum]

That's still better writing than most of the essays I have to mark. :p

[Trilby]

"I believe you should not use a passive voice."

"I think you should avoid the passive voice."

"Perhaps you should avoid the passive voice."