A Yuletide Tragedy

[Elspode]

I appreciate that, LR, and I would only ask that anyone who has good thoughts and energies to send please direct them to Connor and his mother, Pamela in Children's Mercy Hospital in KC.

I just got off the phone with my wife, who spent the night with the mother at the hospital, and things are just so very, very awful. Connor still retains brain stem function, and as such is displaying basal functions...grasping of people's hands (sporadic, and not in response to stimuli), suckling behavior, and non-spastic movement of the extremities. He has no pupillary reactivity to light, no response to pain stimuli, and no response to verbal prompts. The upshot of all of this is that it is making it *much* more difficult for everyone to be with him, as his physical activity has the outward appearance of "normal" functionality. In addition, as his body continues to slowly fail, he has begun experiencing atrial fibrillation, and is now running an elevated temperature, making him appear diaphoretic and uncomfortable.

My wife is now completely physically and emotionally exhausted, and needs to get out of there, but she has a long day ahead of her as she is determined to be present when life support is d/c'ed. It would be merciful for everyone involved if that action brought a swift and calm transition from this plane to the next, but in all likelihood, it is going to be a violent, horrible thing to experience. The human body struggles to survive, and doctors and friends are now trying to brace Pamela for the sights and sounds of what is to come.

This is so horrifically sad and painful, and I don't know whether to feel bad or blessed that I am unable to be present.

[garnet]

Wow. I can't imagine how horrible this must be for you all. I'd run into a couple "rough spots" in my little world lately, and knowing that I won't be able to see my family for Christmas was making it all the worse. Compared to what Conner's mother is going through right know, my life is pretty rosy. I can't imagine survivng what she is having to go through. Conner and his extended, loving family will be in my prayers. I'm so sorry.

[Pie]

My thoughts are definitely with Connor's family, El.

I have a question, though, and I hope this won't bother anyone -- has organ donation been considered by his family? Wouldn't that be a fitting legacy for such a wonderfully energetic little boy? Oddly enough, it may also make his passing faster and more peaceful.

I hope I'm not out of line here. Again, my heartfelt condolences to his family and the entire community.

- Pie

[limey]

I have been following this thread and simply do not know what to say. I have no maternal instincts whatever, but feel very strongly that the worst tragedy anyone can suffer is for a mother to lose her child. My thoughts are with the family, and with you and your wife, Elspode, at this awful time.

[mrnoodle]

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and the boy and his family as well. How terribly sad it must be. My grandmother died 2 years ago tomorrow, and while the scope of the tragedy is much greater in your case, I can empathize with the feeling of loss at what's supposed to be a happy time of year. Peace and love.

[OnyxCougar]

I've been sending as much positive energy as I can spare, if not to help little Connor, then to try to help his mother and the rest of the extended family who wait for his passing.

There is very little anyone can say to help at such a tragic time, sometimes only a gesture of love and support will do. In that spirit, I'm sending a depply felt hug and shoulder to all those in need out your way.

[Elspode]

Connor crossed into the Summerlands just before 5:00 PM CST this evening. He was surrounded by his mother, grandmother, family, clergy and numerous members of both his mother's Pagan community and his grandmother's Christian community.

I have learned so much these past few days. So much about strength, love, the importance of both the individual and the group. I know beyond knowing that, when my own time comes, there will be comfort, support and love for my family and friends. I have witnessed tragedy beyond comprehension or understanding.

I cannot make something poetic or majestic out of this woeful occurance. Yet, even in this absence of my ability to express, there is a revelation. As I stood at the side of Connor's bed and watched his lifeless form being held by his mother, I truly, and for the first time, felt the depth of the sorrow and pain that is expressed in Michaelangelo's "Pieta". The timeless image of Mary holding her dead son was mirrored precisely as Pamela held Connor. The image was so powerful that the shock of it nearly took my breath, and I am still trying to process it in my mind. I cannot conceive of a piece of art that could more powerfully, definitively capture Life at its most fundamental, its most personal. Love, agony, despair, pity, disbelief, grief, denial...I can't go on. It is all too real.

[zippyt]

Splode , dude I can't tell you how sorry i am for you haveing to whitness such events .
My mother died of pancreatic cancer on 12/26/96 . That was with out a doubt the most fucked up , worst thing i have ever had to deal with in my life .
I sat down and typed out the whole story of her life as i knew it , good and bad , crying the whole time , it made me feel better , well some better .
NO i don't have a copy. I printed it out , said my good bys and burned it ,and deleted the file . It was no where as elaquent as you, but it made me feel a little better .

Know this though , Conner , or Conners spirit knew you ALL were there , and I am sure it helped him get past the scary parts knowing that he had every bodys support !!!!!

[Elspode]

I was a witness by choice, Zip. I am a firm believer in the concept of "Pay It Forward", and so my wife and I serve our community and our friends. It is what defines us more often than not. I didn't *have* to be there...I couldn't be anywhere else in such a circumstance.

Pamela is a dear friend, and it was for her that I was in attendance. We have provided childcare for Connor several times in the past...it could have been us in the position of Jerry, Badger and Deb. It was only a couple of years ago that I helped Pamela and Connor move from her mother's house, and then a year later, pondered moving them into our home. Pamela always makes it a point to parade her newest boyfriend past my wife and I, hoping for the parental approval that her own mother was rather poor at providing. We were a part of the large circle of Pamela and Connor's lives.

There is strength in numbers, and love in community. We each support and share energies with the other, a large circle of energetic ebb and flow. When one wanes, the other gives a little more, and takes some back later as it is needed. It was a privilege, an honor, to be part of this. I am blessed with friends and associates of incredibly high quality and strength, and I have never before seen such a display of sheer selfless humanity, let alone to have been fortunate enough to have a place in it all. It is all quite humbling, actually.

My wife has gone to bed now, exhausted after 36 hours straight with Pamela. I arrived only at the very last moments, and her description of the physical components of Connor's final hours is chilling and disturbing. Yet, she was there for it all, giving and facilitating and grounding those around her. She is a very, very strong woman.

I'm not at all certain how the hospital staff took it all, but I'm pretty sure it will be awhile before they see the equal of the outpouring that occurred. As we drove out of the parking garage, I couldn't help but notice the remarkable number of Pagan bumper stickers, and I smiled a bit with pride.

I'm very sorry you didn't save your writings about your mother, Zippy. I would have been honored to read them.

[zippyt]

I'm very sorry you didn't save your writings about your mother, Zippy. I would have been honored to read them.

This is the closest i can get . I read these profound word as i spread some of my moms ashes in a verry verry special and beautiful place , surrounded by some of her closest and most special friends .

[Elspode]

Zippy my man...you would make a *fine* Pagan!

[zippyt]

How about Episca-Pagan ??

[wolf]

What you don't know, zip, is that episcapagan (or high episcapagan) is a term used in the pagan community to describe people who are overly dedicated to elaborate, well-scripted ritual work, usually involving a lot of costuming, ritual equipment, incenses with long and often secret recipes, and numerous people to take the parts of the various ritual players.

I know you mean it differently, but the term itself made me laugh heartily.

My own contribution to Connor's passage, would be to offer this to his mother. It is often thought to be (or passed off as) a traditional Native American Blessing.

It isn't. It was written in 1932 by a poet named Mary Frye.

It is beautiful, no matter what it's origin.

I have used it when officiating at funerals.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousands winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Pie

My thoughts are definitely with Connor's family, El.

I have a question, though, and I hope this won't bother anyone -- has organ donation been considered by his family? Wouldn't that be a fitting legacy for such a wonderfully energetic little boy? Oddly enough, it may also make his passing faster and more peaceful.

I hope I'm not out of line here. Again, my heartfelt condolences to his family and the entire community.

- Pie

I don't think so, not at all.

[Griff]

Thanks for sharing that Els. We need to remember that for lots of folks the holidays will never be what the could be and we need to cut folks some slack when they don't display any Christmas "spirit". I received a nice greeting from an old aquaintance who was concerned for our first Christmas without Mom. It's those little gestures that make us human. Your gift for expressing humanity is marvelous.