Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 206

TheMercenary · 01-12-2010, 08:22 PM

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

BrianR · 01-16-2010, 12:38 PM

Congress has a new program...

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination) .

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

capnhowdy · 01-16-2010, 01:01 PM

Now that's some funny shit, Brian.

jujuwwhite · 01-16-2010, 10:11 PM

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said.
'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names
like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have
determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of
medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer
Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If
God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would
have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told
reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound
statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for
Physics will follow.

Elspode · 01-17-2010, 03:41 PM

.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-17-2010, 03:45 PM

This is real and very funny! Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051, After a short ad, when you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. Promise! Keep going and press 4. Listen to the options… then press 7.

lumberjim · 01-17-2010, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

This is real and very funny! Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051, After a short ad, when you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. Promise! Keep going and press 4. Listen to the options… then press 7.

it only went 3 seconds, then reset to the stupid speedskater.....repeat x 3 then it hung up on me....

fail

Clodfobble · 01-17-2010, 03:53 PM

The Nestle Crunch Hotline has a busy signal...

classicman · 01-17-2010, 05:34 PM

still busy. . .

toranokaze · 01-17-2010, 05:39 PM

I got nothing

Clodfobble · 01-17-2010, 05:43 PM

I eventually got through. It was humorous. I lol'ed.

squirell nutkin · 01-17-2010, 09:29 PM

I googled it and decided I wouldn't lol.

lumberjim · 01-17-2010, 10:12 PM

i had it on speaker and jinx burped like a fucking giant burper.....it hung up on me.

monster · 01-17-2010, 10:21 PM

busy

Clodfobble · 01-18-2010, 12:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

it only went 3 seconds, then reset to the stupid speedskater.....repeat x 3 then it hung up on me....

It did the same thing to me until I figured out the kids were being too damn loud in the background and setting off the voice recognition software--I covered the mouthpiece with my thumb and it played without interruption.

01-12-2010, 08:22 PM	#1
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.' On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.' __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

01-16-2010, 12:38 PM	#2
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Congress has a new program... Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination) . Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

01-16-2010, 01:01 PM	#3
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Now that's some funny shit, Brian. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

01-16-2010, 10:11 PM	#4
jujuwwhite Capnhowdy's #1 smasher Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rentz, GA Posts: 339	A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow. __________________ I don't suffer from insanity...i enjoy every moment of it.

01-17-2010, 03:41 PM	#5
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	. Attached Images __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

01-17-2010, 03:45 PM	#6
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	This is real and very funny! Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051, After a short ad, when you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. Promise! Keep going and press 4. Listen to the options… then press 7. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-17-2010, 03:53 PM	#8
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	The Nestle Crunch Hotline has a busy signal... __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

01-17-2010, 05:34 PM	#9
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	still busy. . . __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

01-17-2010, 05:39 PM	#10
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	I got nothing __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

01-17-2010, 05:43 PM	#11
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I eventually got through. It was humorous. I lol'ed. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

01-17-2010, 09:29 PM	#12
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	I googled it and decided I wouldn't lol. __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

01-17-2010, 10:12 PM	#13
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	i had it on speaker and jinx burped like a fucking giant burper.....it hung up on me. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

01-17-2010, 10:21 PM	#14
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	busy __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 13 (0 members and 13 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Switch to Linear Mode Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode