The Midlife Crisis

[Juniper]

Originally Posted by warch

I think 40-50s is profound because you really start to not know your physical self or are forced to relearn it-- those things that were so familiar...what you've always thought of yourself- your hair, the shape of your face, even your height, your strength, what you can and can't do--- is really morphing. You catch that glimpse of yourself or see a pic and think, dang! (I unsuccessfully attempted to execute a cartwheel earlier this summer...yikes! Luckily the grass was soft.)
Like other women I know, I look back pictures of me at 15, 25, 35 when I felt uncomfortable, fat or squatty or plain and think what a shame I didn't realize how perfectly fine I was at the time--- and I am working on realizing that right now, too, as I am learning the patterns of my face wrinkles!

Wow, isn't that the truth? I try to do things I used to be able to do and I'm shocked that I can't or that they're harder than they ought to be. Like those cartwheels. I still can do one, I think, but it's not pretty, and it hurts. Things I didn't think about keeping up with because I thought they'd always be there! Simple things, like bending over to weed the garden. Or, say, I want to paint my living room and I'm shocked at how hard it is to move the couch over a few feet.

Yet, I think I'm fairly active -- I do enough carting laundry up and down the stairs, that's for sure!

I catch my reflection in the mirror, or see a snapshot and think, "that can't be what I *really* look like!" OMG, when did I start looking so...so....solid? So middle-aged? I have wrinkles at the corners of my mouth now. So far, the eyes are unlined, but my chin! I have wrinkles on my chin, of all places!

But there are also improvements that can take place. Really. For example, I think as we age, most of us start paying more attention to our health and for a while actually end up feeling better and stronger than we did. For example, I quit smoking about 6 years ago and noticed an immediate improvement climbing hills and stairs. Last year I found out I have a problem with high blood pressure, started taking meds for it, and after I got used to them, I felt more energetic and had fewer headaches.

And there are certain other changes that happen to women 'round about that 40 year mark... Certain activities seem to be more interesting than they were a few years before, when we were focused on child rearing and avoiding Mr. Gropey, if you know what I mean.

See? Look for the silver lining.

Oh, and by the way...never give up, or give in.

My father in law is 78. He runs a mile every other day, drives a sporty little Mazda and has a girlfriend 15 years younger. The ladies at the "spa" where he works out call him "Love Machine." What an inspiration!

[DanaC]

I freaked my niece out about 3 years ago by doing a handstand. I am not known for being physically active, beyond walking and dancing. I think that was the first handstand I'd thrown for about 15 years or so.

Don't know if I could still do one.

[Sundae]

Warch, I've printed that poem out to hang on my noticeboard. It really got me by the throat. I know this isn't the thread for it, but it reminded me of this one:

First Lesson

Lie back daughter, let your head
be tipped back in the cup of my hand.
Gently, and I will hold you. Spread
your arms wide, lie out on the stream
and look high at the gulls. A dead-
man's float is face down. You will dive
and swim soon enough where this tidewater
ebbs to the sea. Daughter, believe
me, when you tire on the long thrash
to your island, lie up, and survive.
As you float now, where I held you
and let go, remember when fear
cramps your heart what I told you:
lie gently and wide to the light-year
stars, lie back, and the sea will hold you.

Philip Booth

Originally Posted by warch

Like other women I know, I look back pictures of me at 15, 25, 35 when I felt uncomfortable, fat or squatty or plain and think what a shame I didn't realize how perfectly fine I was at the time--- and I am working on realizing that right now, too, as I am learning the patterns of my face wrinkles!

Never a truer word spoken.
Learning to accept my appearance has been a lifelong task, and it's only in my mid thirties that I'm beginning to accomplish it. I thank maturity, anti-dpressants and the Cellar for that. BTW, turned down a snog on Friday night. And probably more. Aren't I a good girl? I'm learning to value myself too.

Now just gotta work on liking the inside. Sigh. Why did adults always seem so together when I was a kid? Oh yeah, because they were too busy for the self-indulgence of introspection.

[DanaC]

Why did adults always seem so together when I was a kid? Oh yeah, because they were too busy for the self-indulgence of introspection.

And they didn't show their insecurities. I think there were probably plenty of adults around when we were kids, who felt a little like they were playing at being a grown-up.

[lookout123]

I had a breathtaking revelation a few years ago that has never really been forgotten. Lil Lookout was newborn, we were just on the upswing from being flat broke, and I had a career decision sitting in front of me that was really stressing me out. I'd really gone into a funk at my incompetence and inability to deal with adult life with some sort of plan and confidence. At some point while I was completely frazzled with hundreds of things spinning in my skull and rocking Lil Lookout back to sleep at 3 in the morning, I just stopped as it finally hit me... My dad didn't have a fucking clue either.

Sure that seems simple enough, but up until that point in my late 20's it had been a touchpoint for me that the people I respected were plowing their way through life with confidence and wisdom. But then it all kind of clicked as I realized that nobody had a clue. Everyone wakes up and makes their choices, hoping they are doing the right thing and they just keep doing the best they know how to do. To me it was pretty big revelation that really helped me start moving forward with life.

I'm looking at 40 a few years down the road and I know that I'll have other revelations and I find that kind of exciting and terrifying.

[TheMercenary]

I think the mid life crisis has come and gone for me, I am well past 40 and a bit off from 50. I retired from the military at the age of 42 and entered a completely new and significantly better income bracket the day after I retired. As we launch our second of three off to college there is a bit more pain there but it is all for the better. I had life change, job change, income change, and freedom to do more all at once when I retired, which is a misnomer as I work longer and harder than I did when in the Army. I don't know if I had time to have a mid life crisis.

[Pico and ME]

I havent had the typical sort of life. I didnt get married until I was 40 and I never had any kids of my own. I have never ever really felt 'grown up'... and actually, I have sort of enjoyed that. Im 46 now and wonder if I will go through a midlife crisis. I suppose that will be the day I decide to shuck itall and move to the Keys.

[Pico and ME]

Originally Posted by lookout123

I had a breathtaking revelation a few years ago that has never really been forgotten. Lil Lookout was newborn, we were just on the upswing from being flat broke, and I had a career decision sitting in front of me that was really stressing me out. I'd really gone into a funk at my incompetence and inability to deal with adult life with some sort of plan and confidence. At some point while I was completely frazzled with hundreds of things spinning in my skull and rocking Lil Lookout back to sleep at 3 in the morning, I just stopped as it finally hit me... My dad didn't have a fucking clue either.

Sure that seems simple enough, but up until that point in my late 20's it had been a touchpoint for me that the people I respected were plowing their way through life with confidence and wisdom. But then it all kind of clicked as I realized that nobody had a clue. Everyone wakes up and makes their choices, hoping they are doing the right thing and they just keep doing the best they know how to do. To me it was pretty big revelation that really helped me start moving forward with life.

I'm looking at 40 a few years down the road and I know that I'll have other revelations and I find that kind of exciting and terrifying.

THAT conclusion was a liberating one for me as well. I used to always assume that everyone but me knew what the fuck they were doing and that made me feel really small and useless.

[Griff]

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

I think the mid life crisis has come and gone for me, I am well past 40 and a bit off from 50. I retired from the military at the age of 42 and entered a completely new and significantly better income bracket the day after I retired. As we launch our second of three off to college there is a bit more pain there but it is all for the better. I had life change, job change, income change, and freedom to do more all at once when I retired, which is a misnomer as I work longer and harder than I did when in the Army. I don't know if I had time to have a mid life crisis.

It could be you got your needed changed when you switched careers or maybe you're just well grounded and don't feel the need for turmoil.

[Madman]

Mid-life crisis? I'm not really sure if I had one or not - as dumb as that sounds. Wife and I were kind of busy with family, and I don't mean "our kids." More along the lines of my BIL's, and MIL. Of course, when our daughter divorced, that was another pain-in-the-ass story.

Long stories made short and brief...

Brother-in-law #1
Released from prison. We took him in.
Got job rather quickly.
Got car - decent car.
Got promotion on job.
Got drunk.
Got DUI.
Paid fines, went to classes.
Got drunk again.
Got DUI.
Told him to GTFO.
Got apartment after 14 months in our home.
Got girlfriend.
Got a dog.
Got loans for girlfriend.
Got drunk.
Car went over steep hill.
Got different job.
Got evicted.
Moved into friends house.
Got kicked out.
Dog ran away.
Failed piss test.
Got fired.
Went to shelter.
Got kicked out of shelter.
(The wife and I gave up at this point)
Homeless.
Arrested.
Back to shelter.
Unknown
..................................................................
Brother-in-law #2
Wife left him on his b-day.
Moved in with mother
Mother drove him crazy
He moved into our home.
He got job
He had a car
Car broke down.
He had bad credit.
My wife co-signed
He got late model used car - nice car.
Got drunk with crazy loser brother
Got into fight with crazy, loser brother.
Got arrested.
Went to court.
Got two years probation.
Tried to get back with exwife (the one that left him)
Told him to GTFO.
He assured me he would straighten up.
I relented.
He stayed with us for a total of 20 months.

I only have one thing to say... "Never again!!!!!!!!"

I think that might have been my mid-life crisis.

[xoxoxoBruce]

You know, Madman, this is a lesson most guys learn too late... you don't just marry her, you marry her family too.

[Juniper]

Makes me awfully glad I'm an only child. And that my DH only has one sister. Who isn't exactly brimming with wisdom, but she's OK.

DH has a few lame-ass cousins, but we're not responsible for the cousins.

[Madman]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

You know, Madman, this is a lesson most guys learn too late... you don't just marry her, you marry her family too.

My wife, being the eldest, had this idea that she should "care" for her younger brothers and sisters. After these two she has definitely changed her mind. I believe the reason she wanted to "help" the second one out was because two of her other brothers had passed away just about a year before. I objected, but then relented after I saw her concern for him. Neither of us knew he was so unmotivated to be independent.

I have a difficult time understanding why a single adult male pushing 50 cannot care for themself. That has to be one of the easiest freaking things in life to do. Yet, I see so many of them around.

Originally Posted by Juniper

Makes me awfully glad I'm an only child. And that my DH only has one sister. Who isn't exactly brimming with wisdom, but she's OK.

DH has a few lame-ass cousins, but we're not responsible for the cousins.

Count your blessings.

My lesson learned... Never let them move in and let them deal with the problems they created.

[DanaC]

I was pretty lucky when I was in a long term relationship, in that my partner and my brother got on very well, became close friends and went into business together. There were the odd times of tension and arguments when the business was struggling, but on the whole they were pretty close and have remained good friends in the years since we split.