Humor...I Need Humor...

[Lamplighter]

… so we have to use logs.

groan

[Molasar]

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

[Molasar]

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

[Molasar]

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

(sorry, that's a bit 'shit on your own doorstep' in a US-based community but let's face it, if it's funny there's somebody being offended in there.)

[Molasar]

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
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Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
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We are here on earth to do good unto others.
What the others are here for, I have no idea.
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In hotel rooms I worry.
I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
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As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. - John Glenn
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Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
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Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
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America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
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If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

[Nirvana]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

[Molasar]

this amused the hell out of me, sort of Jeeves & Wooster or Downtown Abbey meets trailer trash

[Nirvana]

Is the truth funny?

[lumberjim]

yeah.no. not funny. this year seems extra dreary... and football isnt even over yet.

i'd just like a day of sunshine... even if it's cold... it's been overcast for almost 2 weeks around here. phucken depressing

[infinite monkey]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

yeah.no. not funny. this year seems extra dreary... and football isnt even over yet.

i'd just like a day of sunshine... even if it's cold... it's been overcast for almost 2 weeks around here. phucken depressing

Amen. I'm counting on spring to renew my lust for life. Or something.

In Ohio we say there are two seasons: Winter, and Road Construction.

[Gravdigr]

Yeah, nuttin' like a cold, gray suckbucket.

Now that I think about it, I dated a girl like that.

[Molasar]

A few gems from Air Traffic Control
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a727?"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway if you are able.
“If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
“Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
*
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
“You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
*
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
*
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
*
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
*
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
*

[Molasar]

in England is a city called Manchester.
it rains in Manchester. All the bastard time.

the saying is that " you can tell summer in Manchester because the rain comes down warm".


I worked there 5 years, and it's true.

[Molasar]

Irish motor accident


A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now, wot da fock would you say?'

[slang]

Originally Posted by Molasar

'Now, wot da fock would you say?'

Many good ones posted here Molasar.