Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 39

footfootfoot · 10-07-2005, 11:44 PM

Wolf: "How long have you thought you were a dog?"
Patient: "Ever since I was a puppy."

later...

Wolf: "You used to think you were a dog, but now you're cured?"
Patient: "Sure. Feel my nose."

BigV · 10-08-2005, 10:54 PM

A young blonde woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now we'll have to work on your hearing."

capnhowdy · 10-10-2005, 08:52 AM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a young and very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch. She knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the paper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay, and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. One day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house he found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse, and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now, take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

BigV · 10-10-2005, 10:33 AM

Zzzzzziiiiiiing!

You got me on that one. I did not see that coming. Very funny!

footfootfoot · 10-10-2005, 07:25 PM

A gal from NYC moved to Seattle and wound up as next door neighbor to the family V.
The movers unloaded her furniture in a light rain and she surveyed her new surroundings withmixed pleasure.
"Well the weather will be good for my complexion" she thought.

The next morning she awoke and took a stroll around the block, taking in her new home, after a while she was pretty wet from the steady drizzle and she returned home to unpack and have a nice cup of soup.

The next day she went outside and saw LittleV playing trucks in the rain in his driveway,
"Hey kid." she asked "does it ever stop raining around here?"

LittleV looks up and says "How the hell should I know? I'm only six years old."

rimshot

Kagen4o4 · 10-11-2005, 02:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

A gal from NYC moved to Seattle and wound up as next door neighbor to the family V.
The movers unloaded her furniture in a light rain and she surveyed her new surroundings withmixed pleasure.
"Well the weather will be good for my complexion" she thought.

The next morning she awoke and took a stroll around the block, taking in her new home, after a while she was pretty wet from the steady drizzle and she returned home to unpack and have a nice cup of soup.

The next day she went outside and saw LittleV playing trucks in the rain in his driveway,
"Hey kid." she asked "does it ever stop raining around here?"

LittleV looks up and says "How the hell should I know? I'm only six years old."

rimshot

?? is there more to this?

Tonchi · 10-11-2005, 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kagen4o4

?? is there more to this?

(HINT) Yep, about 70 more years according to the current actuarial tables for Seattle.....

mitheral · 10-11-2005, 10:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kagen4o4

?? is there more to this?

That's it. The joke is that even at the age of six a native to the PNW might never have seen a day where it wasn't raining.

Kagen4o4 · 10-11-2005, 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mitheral

That's it. The joke is that even at the age of six a native to the PNW might never have seen a day where it wasn't raining.

oh...ok

what the hell is PNW? im not american

Elspode · 10-11-2005, 11:15 PM

Pacific NorthWest - Washington, Oregon, sometimes includes Idaho, Northern California if the Oregonians aren't being too xenophobic.

BigV · 10-10-2005, 07:33 PM

LOL!!!!!

Actually, SonofV would say "How the BEEP should I know? I'm only six years old." and really say "beep". He's very aware of what he can say and not say, and edits himself verbally in this way. Cracks me up.

footfootfoot · 10-10-2005, 10:12 PM

That's funny. Where'd he pick that up? And will he paste a "parental warning" sticker on himself someday?

BigV · 10-12-2005, 11:54 AM

SCF, buster, come on, please?

plthijinx · 10-12-2005, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigV

SCF, buster, come on, please?

SHIT! i forgot about SCF! if i was drinking something i def. would've spewed after i clicked on the link!

capnhowdy · 10-13-2005, 08:50 PM

Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two went to dinner and had a serious talk about the relationship. Ed told his new lover that she meant so much to him. Then he said, "It's only fair to warn you that I'm a complete and utter golf nut. I eat, sleep and breath golf. If that's a problem, you'd better say so right now."

"Well, since we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," replied Ed. He was quiet for a moment and then said, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.

10-07-2005, 11:44 PM	#1
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Wolf: "How long have you thought you were a dog?" Patient: "Ever since I was a puppy." later... Wolf: "You used to think you were a dog, but now you're cured?" Patient: "Sure. Feel my nose." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

10-08-2005, 10:54 PM	#2
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	A young blonde woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week. The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!" The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now we'll have to work on your hearing." __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-10-2005, 08:52 AM	#3
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a young and very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch. She knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the paper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay, and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. One day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house he found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse, and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now, take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot." __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

10-10-2005, 10:33 AM	#4
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Zzzzzziiiiiiing! You got me on that one. I did not see that coming. Very funny! __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-10-2005, 07:25 PM	#5
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	A gal from NYC moved to Seattle and wound up as next door neighbor to the family V. The movers unloaded her furniture in a light rain and she surveyed her new surroundings withmixed pleasure. "Well the weather will be good for my complexion" she thought. The next morning she awoke and took a stroll around the block, taking in her new home, after a while she was pretty wet from the steady drizzle and she returned home to unpack and have a nice cup of soup. The next day she went outside and saw LittleV playing trucks in the rain in his driveway, "Hey kid." she asked "does it ever stop raining around here?" LittleV looks up and says "How the hell should I know? I'm only six years old." rimshot __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

10-11-2005, 11:15 PM	#10
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Pacific NorthWest - Washington, Oregon, sometimes includes Idaho, Northern California if the Oregonians aren't being too xenophobic. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

10-10-2005, 07:33 PM	#11
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	LOL!!!!! Actually, SonofV would say "How the BEEP should I know? I'm only six years old." and really say "beep". He's very aware of what he can say and not say, and edits himself verbally in this way. Cracks me up. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-10-2005, 10:12 PM	#12
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	That's funny. Where'd he pick that up? And will he paste a "parental warning" sticker on himself someday? __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

10-12-2005, 11:54 AM	#13
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	SCF, buster, come on, please? __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-13-2005, 08:50 PM	#15
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two went to dinner and had a serious talk about the relationship. Ed told his new lover that she meant so much to him. Then he said, "It's only fair to warn you that I'm a complete and utter golf nut. I eat, sleep and breath golf. If that's a problem, you'd better say so right now." "Well, since we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker." "I see," replied Ed. He was quiet for a moment and then said, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

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