Why is my teen-age daughter stealing?...

[Sundae]

I get what your saying Dana. It's not, "Hey it's okay to steal food kids, it doesn't hurt anyone but Fat Cats!" What you're saying is it doesn't have the same personal effect as - say - befriending old Mrs Jones and lifting a fiver a week from the stash in her tea caddy. It's not about whether stealing is wrong, it's about whether some thefts have more emotional impact than others.

At that age I was busy throwing emotional tantrums and being manipulative to get what I wanted and confusing sexual attention with love. I started drinking as an excuse for the things I wanted to do and wasn't brave enough to admit to doing sober. I put myself in danger in quite a few ways in my late teens, but nothing I couldn't pretend hadn't happened in the morning.

Your 19 year old self sounds so much more fucked up than mine - and yet you learned from it, moved on and are at a very good place in your life. Mine was a less scary form of fucked-uppery to outward appearance (i.e. parents, employers), but I believe I am still dealing with issues I had then.

[DanaC]

I'd give them some food and then worry about giving advice.

Excellent.


@ Sundae. Oh I dunno *grins* I suspect me an' thee were both on a par we just expressed it in very different forms of madness:P Wolf, in a way, nailed it somewhat for me. Not now, but at the time. The Jean Val John thing? I escaped life by becoming my own anti-hero. I remember, very clearly, as a young woman trying to project a kind of restless energy and disturbing undercurrents. *Shrugs* worked for me :P It was only really as a grown-up looking back that I realised I was actually as wild and leftfield as I had so wanted to be. At the time I desperately wnted to break out and away. Drop out totally and utterly and follow a life without boundaries. All fed into with 60s imagery and a love of Bob Dylan. I wanted to be wild. I felt wild inside. I wanted to make who I was reflect that maelstrom. But I didn't see it that way. I just saw it as wanting to have fun and wild adventures. I wanted to be part of a wild scene, right at its centre.

Everybody else (discount anyone living the 9-5 life frm this, I saw that as the ultimate defeat) seemed to be having a wilder and more fun time. I wanted the free-form student life, without the studies :P It's only really as an adult I see how close to what I wanted my life actually was much of that time. It's a little like looking at a photo of yourself at 18 and thinking "Why couldn't I see then that I was beautiful?"

So, stuff like the stealing? Honestly, what I remember, I remember with access to the thrill that accompanied it at the time and my own sense of pride as I 'beat the system'. Stupid? Yeah. But I know what was going on in my head at the time. I like recalling those times. The sharp edges have been blunted by time and what's left is just the landscape of young adulthood. A pleasant place to visit.

Particularly pleasant since I gave up all semblance of wildness long ago. I kept hold of some of the eccentricity though. Why the fuck not, I earned it :P

[Flint]

Oh, the moral bravery of these stalwart netizens, the Churchill-esque fortitude to stand in the face of the enemy, the creeping fungus of moral ambiguity, to strike out true, each keystroke falling like a hammer of doom upon the sickly, scab-encrusted slime weasel of ethical corruption, shining a beacon of truth and goodliness, what valor is diplayed by these, who seek to cast out the devils which whisper insidious lies into the innocent ears of our young ones; never has better time been spent on typing things, which few have the courage to post--I applaud thee!

[Sundae]

Talk to the hand

[TheMercenary]

You mean like when a 17 year old girl gets pregnant?

[Brett's Honey]

Update on "Why is my daughter stealing?" - To make a long story short, I am no longer "Brett's honey", we aren't divorced but we have been separated for close to two years now. However, I do have an update on his daughter's behavior, and that is the reason for my addition to this conversation. The stealing when she was 14 did not just "go away". Her Dad and Grandma pretty much ignored and made excuses for the stealing (They are the only two adults who have ever been in her life until I came along.) Upadate on her - she just turned 17 and has been working part time job at a drug store for about 8 months. About a month ago she was charged with embezzlement by that store. Apparently a customer lost his wallet in the store, she found it and is seen on a security camera putting it under a counter, but at some point either removed the money from it or took it back and pocketed it....I'm not sure of the details. That was the story by the time it got to me, anyway. I did not know that stealing a customer's property would be an embezzlement charge - anyone know if that is correct?

So.....to the Mom with the son who has sticky fingers, deal with it now! I know that you are, by your comments, but I did want to update this story after I saw your posts and I had just heard what happened with my step-daughter. Good luck to you.

I check in to the cellar regularly, but my internet access has been sporadic and I have been BUSY. Happily busy with a brand new grandson! Christopher Anthony was born June 17th, weighed 6 lbs. 14 0z., healthy as a horse, and is the most beautiful baby ever born! Him, my son and daughter-in-law (22 & 19 yrs old) are living with me right now and I'm loving it.

[Sundae]

Thanks for the update HoneyGrandma!
If you think you might have time to drop by you can always ask UT to change your username. I for one love the fact the Cellar lets me hear from people with different life experiences than mine.

Sorry to hear about your ex's daughter. I can genuinely understand the temptation. I try to lead as moral a life as possible but if I found a wallet in the pub tonight and I knew it didn't belong to one of the regulars, I'd be sorely tempted. In fact I can even think of one of the regulars who I'd be happy to relieve of some money, but that's personal and a whole other issue (he was so rude to me last night!)

It's a shame she wasn't burned by her earlier encounters, or she might not be facing a criminal conviction now. It's a heavy weight to carry around with you, even without a prison sentence.