please recommend a self help book, therapy, drug...

[Beestie]

Originally Posted by staceyv

And I still feel a lot of pressure to figure out what I would like to do with my life, because even though he's giving me the perfect opportunity to pursue it, I don't have a clue what "it" is!

In your particular case, at this particular moment, "it" means learning to be at peace with yourself. Took me a looooooooooooong time to figure that out.

Suspend personal expectations and self-examination for a spell - stop judging yourself for six weeks.

[Schrodinger's Cat]

Stacey, I suspect you grew up in an environment where you weren't allowed to be a "self." Possibly, you had an overly critical or demanding parent who was difficult to please. As an adult, you do not feel "authentic." When you recieve praise, you dismiss it, thinking to yourself, "They don't know what I'm REALLY like." When someone critisizes you, you unconsciously revert to a child in front of a scolding parent. You accept low paying jobs and unsatisfactory relationships because on some level you think that's all you deserve. You need to work to consciously counter these early negative messages that you have unconsciously assimilated into your thinking about yourself and your situation.

[404Error]

You still wake up sometimes, don't you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs.

[staceyv]

Stacey, I suspect you grew up in an environment where you weren't allowed to be a "self." Possibly, you had an overly critical or demanding parent who was difficult to please.

That's true. No matter what I did, my mother was never happy. I got good grades in school and spent most of my time reading books when I was young. I know my mother has some kind of mental illness, whether it's depression or something else, I don't know, but she is the most miserable person I know. She used to complain constantly, like it was her job. Nothing made her happy, life sucked, she hated women, she didn't want the neighbors bothering her, she didn't want ME bothering her...I KNOW she didn't wan't me and she always told me I was a pain in the ass ( she got knocked up at the drive- in movie at age 17). She never wanted to be bothered with me. getting me ready for school was the ultimate torture for her. I was only 6 years old and I knew that I should pretend to be sleeping so at least it wouldn't be directed on me...But I had my grandmother and my aunt who took me on weekends and sometimes after school, they were very good to me. At one point, my grandmother was going to try getting full custody of me because my mother neglected me and didn't lead a healthy lifestyle (partying, dating a lot of different men...) but for some reason, that didn't fall through...I do realize now, though, that it's not my fault that my mother is unhappy, and I feel bad for my little sister who is 9 years younger than me, because she is suffering from anxiety problems just like I did at her age. She gets heart palpitations and she has a hard time holding down a job...I'm not sure if it's a genetic thing or a result of being raised in a negative environment, but I really feel for her.
Ofcourse, there were some benefits, like I am great at working independently and I like to find answers for myself, probably because I was afraid to ask for help when I was little!

[staceyv]

Here's a picture of my grandmother and I on New Year's Eve. I hate this picture of me, but she looks beautiful. She IS beautiful. If it wasn't for her, I'd be WAAAAY more screwed up. She is the most important person in my life. She's caring, loving, kind AND she likes to go out and sing karaoke with us- I got lucky being born into her family

[justme]

woooow, you're beautiful. Now I 100% believe Arsen loves you

Stacey, it's good that you understand your problem with lack of mother's love. It's true that kids who didn't have parents love try to please everyone around just to feel they are not bad.
My parents loved me, I believe. However, they always told me that everything I'm doing or I'm interested in is wrong and bullshit. My mom used to love to tell her friends about me by negative way.

I was so surprised to realize that negativity still gives me a lack of self confidence. I thought I solved that problem. I was aggressive, confident, I knew what to do with my life. As result, I was successful business executive. And... I got surprise. Since I came here in totally new environment, I've lost my confidence for all these years. Even I know it's wrong, something inside of my mind telling me I'm piece of shit like my parents used to tell me. I understand they wished the best for me in the way they knew "the best".

I suggest I lost my job only because I was too good It's funny, but all that time I was trying to be perfect just to prove I'm goooood. As result, I was too good. I tried to help my boss (but have been asked for help!) just to prove I' good. I always was so nice, so friendly, so efficient, so helpful. Well, I was above. The result is negative, people feels very uncomfortable if somebody is better than they.
That's why, Stacey, try to find your level of co-workers you're dealing with.
Maybe, it's easy to make you crying at work because you stress yourself trying to prove you're good. You're always in alert to be goad every moment. Relax
Looking back to your childhood, just say your mom thanks she gave you birth, pretty look and good brain. And now move forward to yourself.
Don't you know where you are? Start looking for you.

I started again. I come back to my art and going to bring that to expensive gallery level. I'm set up my studio again, buying and making tools etc. Also, I 'm looking for another job will match with my educational level and my background. Also, I need to improve English because my English doesn't match with my educational level and my skills at all.
This is a plan. When you have a plan, you don't have time to look for definitions of problem, but you're ready to solve them.

[staceyv]

Thanks for being so positive. You have very good insight, maybe you should be a therapist!
I hope things go well for you with your studio. Art is WAY more rewarding than business, and by the way, your english is good enought that you are able to communicate everything you want to say, even when talking about emotions and complex subjects, so don't be hard on yourself there.

[staceyv]

I appreciate you trying to be nice, and because you were so nice, I'm able to admit that you're probably right. I have a lot of the symptoms, but I am also missing key symptoms- I am not clumsy and I am good at reading body language, etc.
I guess it's like trying to diagnose a headache. After researching enough, you could end up thinking that you have meningitis or brain cancer just because you have a few of the same symptoms, when in reality you have a stress tension headache.
I really do enjoy talking with people on the Asperger's forums, though. I feel like we just "click".
I have taken numerous personality tests over the years, trying to figure out what job would be good for me, etc. I always score as an introvert. I have been introverted all of my life, but I have also been working with the public since I was 14 and I was in public school since age 5, so I do know how to act with people. Anyway, I just got this book on introversion in the mail, and I think that's my thing. Maybe there's nothing really wrong with me, I just naturally need more down time, and I process everything internally rather than externally.
Although I wondered what the hell was wrong with me when I spent days printing out recipes from the computer and organizing in three-ring binders, with indexes by ingredient , ethnicity and meal type...?

[wolf]

See, there you go again ... if you are managing to waitress ... and are personable enough to score some decent tips, you're not as introverted as you think you are. The food sensitivity thing is weird, but there is an excellent chance that you are just :gasp: normal.

(which would including having a little bitty bit of a lot of the things you are reading about in the books).

[Beestie]

Originally Posted by wolf

... but there is an excellent chance that you are just :gasp: normal.

So what you are saying, Wolf, is that there isn't a colored bracelet for what's bugging Stace? I know how much I hate it when stuff is wrong with me and it just turns out to be normal stuff.



The organizing internet info in three-ring binders did ring a bell, though. I have about three binders full of java tutorials that I printed out. Haven't taken a one of them. That was three years ago. Starting tomorrow, tho...

[staceyv]

if you are managing to waitress ... and are personable enough to score some decent tips, you're not as introverted as you think you are.

I went through two weeks of training before I was on my own, and I basically just copy everything my trainer did. I know I should smile, so I do. I don't do any of that chit chat, though. I stick to basics. I say the same exact things to every table- "hi, how are you tonight, can I start you off with something to drink?" "okay, I'll be right back with that"..."here you go, would you like a few minutes to look over your menus?" then, either "sure, take your time" or "alright, what can I get for you?"..food comes out..."chicken teriyaki...steak au poivre...gourmet burger...Can I bring you any mayonaisse, vinegar, ketchup or extra napkins?...okay, enjoy your meal.."...."how is everything?...great." "can I take that for you?" or "would you like to wrap that?" "can I bring you any coffee or dessert?" check- "I'll be right back with that....I'll take care of this whenever you're ready..." "I'll be right back with your change"..."here you go, thank you very much, have a good night".


It's like a script to me! It's not really like socializing, I'm more like a smiling computer. And it does drain me. After work and the next day, I don't want to be around people at all, I need to be alone for a whole day before I have the urge to be around people again.
Being introverted doesn't make anyone abnormal, almost a quarter of the population is introverted, it's just the way the brain is wired. I guess I could be normal, though..What a concept.

[kerosene]

Stacey, you sound a lot like me. It's so funny, because I feel like I can relate to you exactly in some areas...like the waitressing thing. I was a waitress for a while and it didn't last for the same reasons you don't want to continue to do it. I use to burst into tears uncontrollably...like a ticking time bomb that I couldn't shut off. It wasn't just waitressing, either. Other jobs, at times of high stress or as a result of an insensitive comment from someone, would cause me to cry, and I would try and hide and not let anyone know I was crying. It was like this curse that kept me from functioning "normally". I would think "how can all these other people function normally, and I cant?" "What is wrong with me?" I figured out that I am just highly sensitive. Simple as that. I try and surround myself with other sensitive people, too. It helps a lot. I try and use my passions and sensitivity to its advantage...like with art, music and other things that allow me self expression. I quit my "good paying" "respectable" job, got rid of extra bills, got out of the industry I was in, moved into half the space I had before, and enrolled in school at CU (University of Colorado) studying fine arts. I love it, because I feel like I fit in. The kids in school are all about 10 years younger than me (I am almost 28). But, I don't care as much as I thought I would. In some classes, I am a loner and people look at me in my pink hair and weird clothes like I am a freak. In some classes, I have made one or 2 friends. But, overall, the experience has been amazing, so far and I have drawn an immense amount of inspiration from everything around me, because I can now allow myself to let that "oversensitive" part free. I don't cry much anymore. I don't get down on myself much, either. I am learning to live everyday as a gift and an opportunity to explore more of myself and the world I see. I hope that helps a little bit, maybe...maybe not. I just thought I would relate my recent story and try and give a different perspective.

[Trilby]

Case, I so admire that you had the guts to do what you did. Quitting a "respectable" job to follow your heart is just sooooo hard--I know, I tried to quit mine and found out very quickly that I could not survive on 6$/hour. I had to go back to the grind but I am trying very, very consciously to make it work for me and not become a slave to my emotions and feelings about the work, just go in and do what it is I do and forget all the insane, rotten, evil aspects of it. I couldn't change my situation, so I changed my mind. It's a daily battle, but it helps me to survive.

[kerosene]

Thanks, Bri! I just found myself in an unusual opportunity which afforded me to do that. And had a lot of encouragement and support.

[limey]

Originally Posted by Brianna

[snip ...] I couldn't change my situation, so I changed my mind. [...snip]

That is the way to do it - you can't control anyone else, or the world outside of yourself, but you can control your reactions, though it isn't necessarily easy.