Brutally honest opinions needed please

[Catwoman]

Can I have some input on this article about the Muslim schoolgirl who won a court case to wear traditional robes in class. Sent it off to a few titles but no reply as yet so is it crap or are they slow?

Don’t just sit there; your human rights are being compromised

This country is diverse, and multicultural. It is also full of people who just won’t do as they’re told.

I once got put into isolation for wearing jeans to school. It was a dark, damp room at the top of the headmaster’s building; claustrophobic, creaky, and redolent of teenage sweat. It was right on the edge of Dartmoor, and with the little imagination befitting a bored teenager you could almost believe you were in prison for some heinous crime, and the heavy footsteps coming angrily down the corridor were those of a sadistic six-foot-sixty monster, not plump old Mrs Proust (no relation) coming to tell me I’m not special or different and consequently have no excuse not to wear prescription trousers.

Admittedly, my entire purpose whilst at school was to irritate teachers who thought they knew more than me, and more importantly, to not be at school. Nevertheless, I deemed this treatment grossly unfair, not least because I had to change into a pair of uniform trousers from lost property that pinched slightly on the waist and smelt of boys.

So, recent news of a young Muslim girl’s battle to wear religious dress in school has got me thinking – if only I had pursued it at the time, I could have taken them to court, revolutionised the school uniform, made them see that there was a point and identity in what may appear to the ignorant as hormone-driven rule-breaking, that I shouldn’t be penalised just because I was different. I could have fought for my human rights.

And that’s not the only UN convention my school was in breach of. I was told off once for talking in assembly, and made to publicly apologise (in a lost property jumper) to twelve hundred students. As if spots and large breasts weren’t enough to contend with at the age of 14. It was humiliating, one could almost say torturous. But I stood by and did nothing as my freedom of speech was compromised.

Lest this lesson is lost amidst political furore and fear of racial agitation, I must stress to any distressed teenagers trapped in the emotional throws of a disallowed identity: stand up against your oppressors, don’t let anybody tell you what to do, and never – sorry, what was that? You do that already? Oh, sorry, my mistake.

[Clodfobble]

Brutally honest?

It is well-written. My guesses as to why a magazine wouldn't want to publish it:

1.) It's too short, unless the publications you're sending this tend to print things much shorter than the average American editorial piece.
2.) 99% of it is not about the Muslim girl at all; it's about you and your teenage clashes with authority. And the fact that you (seem to be) genuinely comparing your disruptive talking to her desire to wear more modest clothing than the school uniform is probably offensive to some. Your goals seem a lot more petty than hers. If you were to examine what would have happened had her case come up while you were in school, and how the rules have shifted over time, that might make it a little more relevant.

[breakingnews]

Edit: Is this a letter or some sort of opinion bit? Too long for letter, too short for opinion, IMO.

It's a bit muddled at the top to try and close with a rather trite statement. Unless your copy somehow furthers the issue at hand, keep irrelevant information limited and focus directly on your point. Especially if it's going to newspapers/magazines - they'll scan for about 10 seconds (as I just did) and quickly decide whether to hit delete.

I would whittle down graf 2, and mash together 3, 4 and 5 and clarify. Drop the kicker - b/c it doesn't really kick.

Sorry, tough day at work here. When I'm in the editing mode, it sticks for a while.

[Beestie]

The peice fails to make a point. There is no conclusion. Tell me, in one sentence, the point you are trying to make. Every sentence in the article should tie back to it. I know what you are getting at but it shouldn't be up to the reader to fill in all the gaps and trim away the excess.

As it stands, we have two stories being conveyed: you refusing to wear what is required and another character insisting on wearing what is forbidden. Unfortunately, you have failed to make the case why either of you are justified in what you both were trying to do. And to compare your desire to wear jeans to the other character's desire to wear traditional religious attire doesn't elevate your conflict but, by comparison, makes your conflict seem rather trite. She went to court and won. You got detention and had to wear boy pants and apologize.

Then, to make matters worse, you invert the comparison* and use the other character's victory as a justification to vindicate your own actions which lack any of the implied nobility of the other character's actions.

* By leading off with your own anecdote, you are comparing her to you instead of you to her.

Does that help???

[jaguar]

Considering the length your best bet is the lead letter in most decent newspapers - it tends to be about this length. letters@ is your friend.

[Catwoman]

Piss ass bastard fucking computer!!! Just wrote a long response with quotes and everything but I've timed out, or something. Bastard!

Sorry, deep breath.

Bascially I was saying thanks for all the advice, can't be bothered to re-write the article but will bear the points in mind for the future.

By drawing a parallel with my own teenage insolence I was hoping to make the point that despite the religious tone she is still a 16 year old girl who has entered an institution and doesn't want to follow the rules. You don't go to India and complain about cows walking in the road. If you don't like it, don't go to India. (I went to a school that didn't require uniform for a while). It's just with all the walking on eggshells regarding Islam at the moment we don't need some hormone ridden religiously intoxicated young girl adding fire to fire.

But I do need to break the 10-second barrier and get a decent kick - the point is there somewhere but yes the story is too personalised to break through. Thanks people.

[wolf]

The motivation, though, is the key to the story ... your adolescent whingings really don't have parallel to her religious obligation.