Generation swap - Page 4

dar512 · 10-27-2009, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf

dar, hugs to you. I spent some of this last week wishing there had been some distance involved in my experience, but through you I hear the difficulty of that option as well.

Yeah. I guess this time is going to suck no matter what.

Pie · 10-27-2009, 12:26 PM

Yep. My father did most of his dying 1,500 miles away from me. I was there for many parts of what turned out to be his final months, but the distance did suck in a big way. I feel for all of you who are going through this.

Are we experiencing a bumper crop of parental illnesses?

xoxoxoBruce · 10-27-2009, 12:53 PM

Like Dar said, sometimes all the options suck.

dar512 · 10-27-2009, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pie

Are we experiencing a bumper crop of parental illnesses?

It seems like a bad year all around.

monster · 10-27-2009, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pie

Are we experiencing a bumper crop of parental illnesses?

I was thinking that. Bring back the summer of celebrity deaths and go easy on the dwellar rellies.

classicman · 10-27-2009, 01:37 PM

I'd have to agree with that remark, unfortunately.

Sundae · 10-28-2009, 02:14 PM

Thoughts always with you Limey. Mum's bro is in Australia and remembers Britain as he left it in 1979. "Stick him in a home!" he says - not entirely callously. Mum has to explain these days it's not so easy, so well funded, and he won't just be down the street in The Elms, all bills paid and happy as larry.

Sole responsibility is hard enough. Another sibling - with love and respect but not rolling their sleeves up is tough too. But love for a rapidly changing parent must be on a different level.

You know you can always call me now. I'll shut up and listen, I promise.

limey · 10-28-2009, 05:16 PM

Thank you Sundae! Today has not been easy, but it's all gotta be done:
Made a start on compiling a "life story" book for my mum so that the care home staff can relate to her and her interests
Took a friend round to my mum's house to see if she could use anything there. It's good to know that things like wellie boots are going to good use with people I care about.
Started packing up the archive.
Got distracted by personal papers.
Went to see my mum - she says it is killing her to live in the home, but likes the garden, the minibus trips out, one of the lounges, the food ... begs me to let her come and stay for the weekend. All credit to Wolf, I just couldn't do it and said so. Mum doesn't want to see her dogs because "they represent everything that I have lost". She wants, we both want, the life we had planned for her, not this. Not this.

Sundae · 10-28-2009, 05:49 PM

Ah chick.
The trade off between what speaking, thinking loved ones want, and what they can really cope with.
Damned hard.

When Mum retired they "put" Grandad in a home for two weeks while they went on holiday. Sounds awful, but it was sort of a trial run, with his full consent - they knew he was sinking and wanted to see if he would be happy. His health was good enough that his happiness was the main issue.

Mum wasn't trying to off-load him or anything awful like that, but she thought if he enjoyed it (as his sisters Emma and Anne do) he could have a better quality of life, especially if his health deteriorated.

He hated it. He said it was full of old people and he didn't want to be around them.

Now Mum had checked it - it was clean (NHS, not a given). There were activities. The schedule was what Grandad kept mostly. Similar food to wahst he eats just without him having to heat it or do the washing up. Company.

Nope. Hated it, hated it, hated it. Like a child gone to boarding school. Had it been Claridges I suspect he would have reacted the same.

She hasn't dared raise it since.

Old people hate change. Not being mean, but they have in every aspect I've met them in.
And they don't sometimes get what's good for them.
To balance this, neither do teenagers

You can only do what you think best. What you can sleep with at night. And if you do it with love then whatever happens, you should sleep peacefully.

Like Wolf, you're a great daughter doing a tough job.
Much love.

classicman · 10-28-2009, 09:19 PM

I fear in some senses that I am looking at the life I am in a sense fighting for! My heart is torn with realization of that which is coming all too soon.

jinx · 01-06-2010, 09:01 PM

I'm so sorry limey.

TheMercenary · 01-06-2010, 09:13 PM

Condolences my friend. It is a tough situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

chrisinhouston · 01-06-2010, 09:36 PM

Just reading this thread and nothing much to add. You do the best you can and as much as you can. No guilt, no remorse. When my mother was in the final stages of dying, her breathing changed. Each breath that we take for granted became strained and hard for her to complete. There were moments where she stopped altogether and then took a deep breath and went on. In the end, the breathing got slower and more faint. Finally, like the last note of a symphony she let a breath out and did not inhale. We (the kids) were somewhat relieved, but our dad just sat there and cried, 62 years of marriage and companionship does not pass so easily.

I was glad I was there and would not have it any other way.

monster · 01-06-2010, 09:48 PM

Limey, I'm so sorry, but it seems she was all done with her life and ready to release you back to yours. I bet it hurts like hell and then some, but she isn't hurting any more and she will always be there in your thoughts and memories and actions.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-06-2010, 11:34 PM

Bummer Limey, but after you work through your grief, I think you'll reason it was time. Until then, be good to yourself.

10-27-2009, 12:26 PM	#2
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	Yep. My father did most of his dying 1,500 miles away from me. I was there for many parts of what turned out to be his final months, but the distance did suck in a big way. I feel for all of you who are going through this. Are we experiencing a bumper crop of parental illnesses? __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

10-27-2009, 12:53 PM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Like Dar said, sometimes all the options suck. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-27-2009, 01:37 PM	#6
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	I'd have to agree with that remark, unfortunately. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-28-2009, 02:14 PM	#7
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Thoughts always with you Limey. Mum's bro is in Australia and remembers Britain as he left it in 1979. "Stick him in a home!" he says - not entirely callously. Mum has to explain these days it's not so easy, so well funded, and he won't just be down the street in The Elms, all bills paid and happy as larry. Sole responsibility is hard enough. Another sibling - with love and respect but not rolling their sleeves up is tough too. But love for a rapidly changing parent must be on a different level. You know you can always call me now. I'll shut up and listen, I promise. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

10-28-2009, 05:16 PM	#8
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	Thank you Sundae! Today has not been easy, but it's all gotta be done: Made a start on compiling a "life story" book for my mum so that the care home staff can relate to her and her interests Took a friend round to my mum's house to see if she could use anything there. It's good to know that things like wellie boots are going to good use with people I care about. Started packing up the archive. Got distracted by personal papers. Went to see my mum - she says it is killing her to live in the home, but likes the garden, the minibus trips out, one of the lounges, the food ... begs me to let her come and stay for the weekend. All credit to Wolf, I just couldn't do it and said so. Mum doesn't want to see her dogs because "they represent everything that I have lost". She wants, we both want, the life we had planned for her, not this. Not this. __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

10-28-2009, 05:49 PM	#9
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Ah chick. The trade off between what speaking, thinking loved ones want, and what they can really cope with. Damned hard. When Mum retired they "put" Grandad in a home for two weeks while they went on holiday. Sounds awful, but it was sort of a trial run, with his full consent - they knew he was sinking and wanted to see if he would be happy. His health was good enough that his happiness was the main issue. Mum wasn't trying to off-load him or anything awful like that, but she thought if he enjoyed it (as his sisters Emma and Anne do) he could have a better quality of life, especially if his health deteriorated. He hated it. He said it was full of old people and he didn't want to be around them. Now Mum had checked it - it was clean (NHS, not a given). There were activities. The schedule was what Grandad kept mostly. Similar food to wahst he eats just without him having to heat it or do the washing up. Company. Nope. Hated it, hated it, hated it. Like a child gone to boarding school. Had it been Claridges I suspect he would have reacted the same. She hasn't dared raise it since. Old people hate change. Not being mean, but they have in every aspect I've met them in. And they don't sometimes get what's good for them. To balance this, neither do teenagers You can only do what you think best. What you can sleep with at night. And if you do it with love then whatever happens, you should sleep peacefully. Like Wolf, you're a great daughter doing a tough job. Much love. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac Last edited by Sundae; 10-28-2009 at 06:42 PM.

10-28-2009, 09:19 PM	#10
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	I fear in some senses that I am looking at the life I am in a sense fighting for! My heart is torn with realization of that which is coming all too soon. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

01-06-2010, 09:01 PM	#11
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	I'm so sorry limey. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

01-06-2010, 09:13 PM	#12
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Condolences my friend. It is a tough situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

01-06-2010, 09:36 PM	#13
chrisinhouston Professor Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Houston TX Posts: 1,857	Just reading this thread and nothing much to add. You do the best you can and as much as you can. No guilt, no remorse. When my mother was in the final stages of dying, her breathing changed. Each breath that we take for granted became strained and hard for her to complete. There were moments where she stopped altogether and then took a deep breath and went on. In the end, the breathing got slower and more faint. Finally, like the last note of a symphony she let a breath out and did not inhale. We (the kids) were somewhat relieved, but our dad just sat there and cried, 62 years of marriage and companionship does not pass so easily. I was glad I was there and would not have it any other way.

01-06-2010, 09:48 PM	#14
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Limey, I'm so sorry, but it seems she was all done with her life and ready to release you back to yours. I bet it hurts like hell and then some, but she isn't hurting any more and she will always be there in your thoughts and memories and actions. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

01-06-2010, 11:34 PM	#15
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Bummer Limey, but after you work through your grief, I think you'll reason it was time. Until then, be good to yourself. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)