Humor...I Need Humor...

[Nirvana]

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[TheDaVinciChode]

Originally Posted by Nirvana

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Dress 'em like humans, pretty soon they'll be acting like humans.

[TheMercenary]

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a
sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized
that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One
particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of
them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more
cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought
Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening -
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings'
again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

[GunMaster357]

At first glance, this one is a classic joke that translates well in French. Then I got curious and googled Nancy Pelosi...

Had me laughing for a good minute...

I understand that poor guy

[classicman]

LOST WOMAN


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground, elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am" replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[classicman]

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


******************************************



My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.....

******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed,
made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded
to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed,
and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I
was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink
as she sat alone at a nearby table..

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'Wow!' says my wife,
'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant.. The waiter took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[Nirvana]

Word of the day:
FOCUS

When you are annoyed with someone tell them to FOCUS
It means...
FucK Off 'Cause U're Stupid!

[GunMaster357]

I was looking at the result of the soccer world cup in South Africa...

The French team is like an old bra...

No cup, and little support.

[TheMercenary]

Originally Posted by GunMaster357

I was looking at the result of the soccer world cup in South Africa...

The French team is like an old bra...

No cup, and little support.

Did you hear about the imported fans for NK? That was humor in real life. They were rented actors from China.

[Nirvana]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep things from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

[ZenGum]

Have we had this yet?


The good news is that Ford and GM have developed cars that run on water. The bad news is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.

[Pie]

[TheMercenary]

These were good.

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
.........................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[classicman]

Oldies, but still worth a chuckle....

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
And I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad News when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.. ' Which one ?'. .. . I asked.
'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the Hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem To get used to the taste.' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered ...
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read ' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

9. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

[squirell nutkin]

How come the Pakistani soccer team has never won the world cup?

Every time they get a corner they open up a corner shop.

(I know I told this already)