Humor...I Need Humor...

[Troubleshooter]

Originally posted by zippyt

Troubleshooter , just ragging on ya , nothing personal , not my fault you desided to join the squids , but hey we needed the drivers as we were to busy learning how to blow shit up "REAL GOOD !!!!!!"

That's why I joined the Submarine Fleet.

Swift, silent, deadly.

And speaking of blowing shit up real good, that's why we carry
these

When you care enough to send the very best...

Edit: made the link work right

[Shattered Soul]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed
him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings
along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to
the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure
if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger!"

[Shattered Soul]

Here's one that registers on the ick-o-meter. For those of you who get the willies thinking of your parents doing it, pass this one up

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active!


10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-
burn."

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section
of the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Craft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

[Shattered Soul]

Rome- An Italian physics student, Lino Missio, has invented
a condom that plays Brahms' Lullaby if it breaks during a
roll in the hay. If the condom ruptures, an
electrical impulse is created, triggering the musical
performance.

I'm not sure if that's scary or not.

[Torrere]

In Heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.

[mitheral]

Originally Posted by Torrere

In Heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.

The rallist version:
Heaven is where the rallymaster is British,
the checkpoint workers Swiss,
the hospitality done by the French,
the service crews German,
and the local law enforcement Italians.
-
Hell is where the rallymaster is German,
the checkpoint workers Italian,
the hospitality done by the British,
the service crews French,
and the local law enforcement Swiss.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally posted by funkykule
my apologies!

Don't apologize. It's a joke thread, not a current events class.

[funkykule]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The
trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten
days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and
beer. "Ok Les give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says
Les. "I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan,
"Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles
from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go
back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the
sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and
he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is
a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a
promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich
each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind
a rock and shouts........ ...............


"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

(p.s. thanx bruce )

[funkykule]

Originally posted by Shattered Soul




Am I the only one who thinks that's "Dude, Where's My Car" funny?

um....yes

[jinx]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when
one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't
know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast
into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into
the house, I sneak up the Stairs, I get undressed in
the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're
obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into
the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw
my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the
ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like
she's sound asleep.




A PRAYER....



Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.



AMEN

[SteveDallas]

YIKES!!! Is there something you've done lately you need to get off your chest, lumberjim?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Can't be. Must be humor because Jinx is too smart, to warn him in advance, of a whoopass coming.

[lumberjim]

Originally posted by xoxoxoBruce
Can't be. Must be humor because Jinx is too smart, to warn him in advance, of a whoopass coming.

no wonder you score a 140 on the iq test, bruce.

yeah, if i did something that provoked physical revenge, not only would i not see it coming, but she'd make sure i was naked when it happened so that it hurt twice as bad.

[Pi]

Freud

A fellow goes to the train station and wants to buy a ticket to pittsburg but upon looking over the counter he sees a beautiful girl with huge tits and instead he says "I'd like a ticket to TITSberg". Upon saying this he becomes embarrassed and goes red.

A fellow standing along side starts to console him

He says "Its all right - I'm a psychologist and what has happened here is perfectly natural - Its what they call a Freudian slip - Freud postulates that we think about sex a thousand times a day and when we see it in front of us, sometimes we make these small slips of the tongue - here - I will give you an example - The other day I was sitting on my porch having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say to her 'Excuse me dear, can you pass the sugar over here please' but when I looked at my wife I opened my mouth and said 'You fat ugly slut, you've ruined my fucking life'."

[Shattered Soul]

A woman standing in the check out line at the grocery store places


a half-gallon of 2% milk,


a dozen eggs,


a quart of orange juice,


a head of romaine lettuce,


a 2 lb. can of coffee,


and a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.


She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."