Ask the Transperson

[it]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

So you don't believe the people that say your born with it, you prefer the nurture over nature theory.

Other way around - I was saying that this indicates more of an element for nature then Dana's theory gave it credit.

that for children to identify more with members of a particular gender, it would need to come from feeling they have more in common - naturally and from a very early age and even without having much of an idea of gender - with members of their own gender.

[Gravdigr]

I could not readily find a suitable thread for this, so, I put it here:

Chris Sarandon talks about playing 'Leon', Al Pacino's transgender girlfriend, in "Dog Day Afternoon".

And about the movie. And some of his role research.

It's a decent enough read.

[it]

So... Here's a more serious question(s):
What were your expectations of people when you were first opening up and coming out, what did they actually do, and how much of that carried over into helping you / harming your own self acceptance as well as your friendships and relationships with them? Did any of them say or reacted in ways you found unforgivable? If so, what was it?

[Pamela]

I don't know what I expected. I have been careful in coming out to people. Not everyone knows yet. I expect the worst; that they will immediately try to murder me. That way I'm prepared and get a pleasant surprise when they don't.

No one has tried to kill me like that yet. Not counting the rednecks in the dented pickup who tried to run me off the highway yelling epithets and throwing beer cans at me for no apparent reason. Oh, and the random stranger who felt the need to express his belief that people like me should be shot while pumping gas. Gotta love Texas!

Most people were shocked to varying degrees. None had any inkling, unlike many TSs I know who told me that they heard things like "About time" and "We knew all long, we were just waiting for you to say it". Most of my friends are no longer my friends and nearly all my family refuses to acknowledge my existence. The one person who I thought I could count on cut out on me and removed herself from my life entirely.

I have times when I doubt myself, wonder if I could just carry on like I had been before and keep my secret. Then I remember what a pistol tastes like and know the answer. Deep inside, I bear scars that will never truly heal from this. We all do, but we don't talk about it much.

Best question so far!

[xoxoxoBruce]

I guess people are getting used to someone coming out gay, as there has been so much in the media. In your case, while it's not exactly a new thing, you're on the leading edge of general public awareness. So you're going to surprise people to whom gays are ho hum another one. The problem is people don't like to be surprised very much, and when they are, they're unpredictable. Don't know what to say, what to do, it's new territory so sometimes they revert to the default instinct of fight or flight. You've chosen not the road less traveled, but a path in the fucking wilderness. Interesting, and a little exciting, but loaded with unknown hazards.

If I wish you well, and everything goes to shit, will it be my fault for encouraging you?

[it]

Wow. Ok that's... Well beyond the scale of anything I imagined. The transfolk I know faced problems but nothing like that. Sorry you had to go through that - I hope you'll be able to move the fuck out of there. People ranging from bigots to ignorant exist everywhere but... Fuck... That's not normal reactions in the rest of the western world, even for transfolk.

[DanaC]

I dunno about that trace. There are a lot of prejudiced people and a lot of people who take a kind of personal affront at trans people.

I was for a while a sitting member of our cuoncil's 'Health and Social Care' scrutiny committee. One of the issues that was brought to our attention was the dearth of specialist services for trans men and women. The way those people were/are treated in the NHS was shocking. I supported a small group who were bringing the issue to the committee and became friends with a couple of the people leading that group. The driving force of the group, has had some terrible experiences.

Workmen taking on jobs at her house, getting there and seeing her then telling her to fuck off, they won't do the job, she should be ashamed, perverts like her make them sick.

People leaning out of cars as they drive past shouting obscenities

A severe beating on a train station about 7 years ago.

[DanaC]

Could one of the mods just remove the name from that post - it's a little too identifiable. Cheers.

[Undertoad]

done

[DanaC]

Tankee m'dear.

[Pamela]

Unfortunately, events like these are quite common for transwomen (and men) all over. My experiences have been tame compared to many. And I have yet to venture into official territory like the DMV to renew my license appearing as female, only to be told to remove my makeup and put on men's clothing ("disguises" are illegal). Also, no one has yet actually assaulted me, but it is only a matter of time on that.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Yeah, since your bag isn't BDSM, that would be most unwelcome. In sketchy places, road flares look enough like dynamite to scare off troublemakers when you whip your coat open. But I suppose it would kill the elegance of your outfit.

I'm trying to be as casual/upbeat about a very serious danger, as you are apparently trying to be, although we both know it's serious.

[Pamela]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Yeah, since your bag isn't BDSM, that would be most unwelcome. In sketchy places, road flares look enough like dynamite to scare off troublemakers when you whip your coat open. But I suppose it would kill the elegance of your outfit.

I'm trying to be as casual/upbeat about a very serious danger, as you are apparently trying to be, although we both know it's serious.

You obviously do not know me vewy well, do you? I have been involved in BDSM for nearly 30 years. But, as tempting as it is to take a twelve foot bullwhip to certain people, there is that consensuality thing.

I do keep a flare gun and a few smoky flares and a few M-250s in my pick em up truck since those rednecks tried to run me off the road, just in case. And my personal defense training is superior to most. But it's the surprise from nowhere that worries me most.

[xoxoxoBruce]

My bad, I thought you quit the abuse when the Philly chick stole your dog.

[Pamela]

Laid off for a long while. Still laid off, really. Lotta psychology involved which I won't bore you with. But I still hang with my friends in that community and attend parties and events and live vicariously.