Humor...I Need Humor...

[elf]

Tasteless humor:

(stop me if you've heard it before. . . )

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

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full.

[Torrere]

A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
examine him about his recent diet.
"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
the problem?"
The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
Tell me a bit about this missionary."
"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"

[lumberjim]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

[cowhead]

not much in a joking mood right now.. but here are some fun links.

http://www.scarysquirrel.org/page1.html
(ware the fuzzy ones!)

http://www.millikin.edu/staley/fluff...nchor-Th-56460
(peep research.. yuppers the fluffy masrhmallow candy)

http://www.peepresearch.org/
(more peep research)

http://www.despair.com/indem.html
(de-motivators)

http://www.kaicurry.com/gwbush/more.html
(political cartoons)

http://www.crazybone.com/slang/index.php
(slang translator! take your favorite web site and have it translated to cockney rhyming slang!)

http://www.sr.se/cgi-bin/p1/src/sing/default.asp
(this is just cool)

http://home.bbspot.com/
(hee hee hee hee news for geeks..*clearing throat*)

http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/bbs/
(because...well.... good stuff)

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/
(need I say more.. I like variety shows)

those ought to hold you for a bit.

[Radar]

hmmm bad link. Nevermind

[cowhead]

Alright, years go there were two friends, the best friends in all the world.. Sam the Clam and Larry the Lobster, they spent all thier time together frollicking in the ocean, laughing, talking and generally causing the other marine life around them to give cause to stop.. point and speculate about 'just how close they really are..." at the weekly Bingo games..(but I assure they were just good friends.) but I digress... One day as they were merrily playing in a tidal pool some young buck strolls by and in that high squeaky voice that only young children have "look mommy!" as the proverbial 'hand of doom' reached into the tidal pool and pulled Sam the Clam from this world and into the next...Larry in a sudden pique of flight of fight reflex..fled..ran and ran and ran.. (and as you can imagine, that's kind of tricky for a Lobster on dry land..) back into the sea, narrowly escaping a simliar fate..
Once he was back in the ocean, he waited for a while to see if his old friend Sam the Clam would return.. he waited and waited and waited but eventually the reality of the situation settled on him like a ton of bricks (hee hee).... he became horribly morose and utterly depressed.. he began hanging out in the shadier sides of the reef and associating with lesss reputable species.. cuttlefish....gulf shrimp.. and moray eels... nasty bunch.. anyway! he stopped eating, sleeping and well.. eventually the life style he was leading caught up to him.. and Larry the Lobster shuffed off this mortal coil...
everything went black..
he saw a tunnel of light... and he began to ascend... the faces of friends and loved ones beckoned him onward..
eventually there he stood before the pearly gates...the sight was amazing! (and at the time he supressed a little victory dance.. he didn't feel it would be appropriate to do a little shimmy in the face of God..) SO! looking about and wondering what to do next.. he spies a tall handsome bearded fellow standing behind a podium.. this being really the only thing he sees... and being not the sharpest knife in the drawer.. figures (and rightly so) that perhaps this fellow could help.. so off Larry went..
Larry: "uh.. hello..I seem to uh.. be new here..and I was wondering what i should do now?"
St, Peter "AH.. welcome Mr. Lobster.. we've been expecting you"
Larry "really?... I mean towards the end there and all..I..uh.."
St peter "think nothing of it..."
Larry "on my way up I saw the faces of all my loved oned and all that.. but there was one I didn't see...."
St. Peter "oh.. Sam the Clam....."
Larry (excitedly) "RIGHT! he was just busy during my ascention (suprising himself that he remembered such a big word)....wasn't he?!"
St. Peter "ah..well you see....Sam didn't lead a life such as yours.. and *clearing throat* other accomodations had to be provided..."
Larry "What! you mean!!?!?!?!?!?!?"
St. Peter "yes.. that's right.." (pointing downward, shaking his head with a sad look in his eyes)
Larry "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I never even got to say goodbye..." (as he breaks down into a fit of hysterical sobbing)
St Peter "Look, Larry.. I tell you what.. we brokered a deal with the Infernal powers...It allows new arrivals an opportunity to travel to the Nether Regions to say good bye to thier not so 'propper' Loved ones.. before they get through the gates of heaven.. I take it you'd be up for that then?"
Larry (with a hopefull look in his eyes) "really...."
St. Peter "really here's the catch though...you have two weeks, no more and no less, and we're going to give you your wings, your Halo and your Harp now.. so they don't just throw you into a lake of fire or somesuch.."
Larry "lake of fire....."
St Peter "not to worry, as long as you have your wings, your Halo and you Harp.. when you get back... everything will be fine and you can bask in the glory of god for all eternity"
Larry "alright! lets go!"
so donning his wings and halo with his harp slung jauntily over one of his many shoulders off he goes.. the Elevator arrives and in he steps..
of course there is only one button...thankfully for Larry..
SO! down he goes.. and down and down and down.. eventually the lift stops.. and the doors slide ominously open... to reveal....An exact copy of Las Vegas crossed with Branson Missouri and New Jersey... ah teh smell of cheap perfume, swamp gas and buttered pop-corn assailed poor Larrys' Nostrils.... but after a moment his head had cleared up and he felt more or less alright.. so off he went in search of his long lost friend...Sam the Calm.. after stumbling around the Hellish conglomeration for a while.. he eventually spies an "information booth" and a large handsome, reddish fellow...casually thumbing through the new tax codes and chuckling a little under his breath...
Larry "uh... helllo sir?"
The Devil "Oh.. Hello....ah have you had a look at this?" (lifting the 40,000 page volume into view) "some of my best work yet.."
Larry "no sir..I'm just a lobster...I've never had to pay taxes..or have a job"
The Devil "hmmmm... well... that's no good..we'll see what we can do about that...But! anyway how may I help you young Lobster?" (breaking into his trademarked 'sly grin'
Larry "I'm uh.. looking for a friend of mine.. they said he was here..."
The Devil (producing an envelope from no-where) "Tell you what..if i can guess the name of your friend...I get to keep your imortal soul...deal?" (raising the envelope to his forhead...)
Larry "uh... no sir...I've already gotten my wings, Halo and Harp.. they're really expecting me back..."
The Devil "oh....alrighty then...*sigh* but i do love that tick..." (pening the envelope slightly dejectedly..) "Ah! Sam the Clam... yes.. he owns a disco down the street..."
Larry (looks down the nearest street only to discover to his horror that every builing is a disco!) "but..but..how ever will I find him?"
The Devil "Mwaa-haa-haa-haaa!... ah that's nt as much fun as it used to be....it's the 300,000th disco to the left... have fun... you want i should call you a cab?..."
Larry "uh no thanks...." and off he runs
eventually there he is standing before his old freind Sam the Clams disco.. In he goes and it is a joyous tearful re-union suffice to say the two old friends spend the entire week induldging in all of Hells finer pleasures
Larry blacks out... doesn't remember much of anything.. except at the end of the two week period sam and some other crustations pouring him into the elevator wishing him happy basking and promises that we'll keep in touch...
SO! hte elevator finally arrives back in heaven... Larry staggers out of the elevator and stumbles up to St. Peter..
Larry "oooooohhhhh ouch"
St. Peter "Bravo young Mr. lobster! you're back right on time... lets se if you have all your things so you can get into heaven..."
Larry "oooohh ouch"
St. Peter..." let's see it looks like you've got your wings...check"
Larry (rolling over to vomit one more time) "uuuhhhh"
St Peter "you've got your Halo...check"
Larry "aaasprin.. please god...have mercy"
St Peter "hmmm.. but where is your harp?..Larry! where's you'r Harp?!?"
Larry (in sudden shock!) "OH NO! I LEFT ME HARP IN SAM CLAMS DISCO....(sorry you have to say it out loud


secondly
Q.) how many animals can you find in a pair of womens pantyhose?

A.) 10 little piggies
2 calves
1 ass
1 beaver
and a fish no one can seem to find

[Radar]

That was the longest pun I've ever heard! <slaps you upside the head with a joke book>

[lumberjim]

Originally posted by Radar
That was the longest pun I've ever heard! <slaps you upside the head with a joke book>

YEAH, I'M PISSED. that's 4 or 5 minutes of my life that i'll never get back......that huge long tale just for a lousy pun? you should be ashamed, sir. ashamed, I say!

[lumberjim]

(sorry you have to say it out loud

you want a good "out loud" joke?

it's much shorter.

ask some one " what's the opposite of above me?"

the answer is "below me" said out loud, you'll hear " blow me"

try it out on your mother in law.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I liked it, Cowhead, don't mind the whiners.

[Radar]

A really old Jewish man wins the largest jackpot in California lottery history. He's on television accepting his giant check when a reporter asks him if he'd like to say anything.

The old man says, "Yes, I would like to thank Hitler!"

The reporter is shocked and asks "Hitler!?!? You want to thank Hitler?!?"

The old man points to his arm and says, "Yep, he's the one who gave me the numbers."

[cowhead]

I've got more along the same line.. so be carefull or you'll get both barrells .

speaking of bad jokes that you have to say out loud.
Q.) what do you call a deer with no eyes?
A.) a bad eye deer

Q.) what do you call a with no eyes and no legs?
A.) Still no eye deer

Q.) what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and copulating?
A.) still no f*cking eye deer

bah dump dump dah! thanks folks I'll be here all week at five and nine... don't forget to tip your bartenders and waitesses!

[lumberjim]

Mr. and Mrs. Whale are swimming along in the ocean when they come across some stranded sailors in a lifeboat. Mr. says to Mrs. Whale, "Hey, go blow some bubbles under their boat and see what happens!"
"I don't know," Mrs. Whale says, "well, ok." So she gets right under the boat and start blowing bubbles. Suddenly the boat turns over and all the sailors are in the water.
"That was Great!" Mr. Whale says, " Hey, eat some and see how they taste!"
"Look," says Mrs. Whale, "I went along with your blow job but NO WAY am I going to swallow any Seamen"

[SteveDallas]

This isn't exactly a joke, but I did find it humorous.

From the Netflix web site... renter reviews of the DVD "Strawberry Shortcake: Get Well Adventure":

"Don't get me wrong - I like Strawberry Shortcake and my two-year old twins adore "cake", but this DVD is horrible. The story is based around Honey Pie Pony sustaining an injured leg and her friends, including Huckleberry Pie and Orange Blossom, coming to her rescue. They bend over backward for her and all she does is complain. It would be fine if it were once or twice, but the dang pony just keeps droning on and on and on, which quickly becomes painful & frustrating to listen to."

"I have never seen a Strawberry Shortcake book, movie or cartoon. I was shocked to see how much sugary treats occupy the characters' attention. It encourages kids (directly and indirectly) to have bad nutrition. The narrative, characters and plot were not enough to make me overlook this (as I do for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I confess). Insipid, shallow, annoying, and bad for the teeth."

"So it's no surpise that this is sickly sweet, is it? For parents of girls ages 3 to 7, turn on the DVD and run like heck into the other room. My girls loved it, but I couldn't take it, even as background noise. What little bit I saw was harmless .... maybe a bit heavy on the reference to sweets, so beware if you're trying to pursue healthy eating with your kids. The "tension", if any, in the show is from an injured pony's bad attitude about being bedridden. No violence; I don't even think the pony's fall is shown. Rent at your own risk for your kids, then run ...."


And yes, this DVD will be appearing at the Dallas household in the next couple of days. Anybody wanna come over & watch it?

[Radar]

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