Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 166

Tulip · 02-28-2009, 05:14 PM

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize .... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,

and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

BrianR · 03-01-2009, 12:01 AM

Apartment for rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed please find a check worth $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that;

#1 - It had never been occupied;
#2 - There was plenty of heat; and
#3 - It was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - It had been previously occupied,
#2 - There wasn't any heat, and
#3 - It was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

Aliantha · 03-03-2009, 06:15 PM

My cousin sent me this via email just a short while ago. I thought it was funny.

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current..

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off- white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

capnhowdy · 03-03-2009, 06:57 PM

monster · 03-03-2009, 10:10 PM

Apparently I'm only 20% woman

Flint · 03-03-2009, 10:13 PM

But...you give it 110%

monster · 03-04-2009, 03:50 PM

A guy dies and goes to heaven, and whille he's waiting for St Peter to do the paperwork, he sees a strange being in a white coat float by.
"What was that?" he asked.
"Oh that was just God, he likes to play doctor sometimes"

Pie · 03-04-2009, 04:28 PM

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

dar512 · 03-04-2009, 04:35 PM

Good one, Pie. I'll have to use that at work.

Radar · 03-04-2009, 05:16 PM

http://videos.komando.com/2008/06/04...rprising-laugh

classicman · 03-04-2009, 07:39 PM

Nirvana · 03-05-2009, 10:52 AM

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Kaliayev · 03-06-2009, 07:13 AM

From my old blog, I present, the greatest joke in the history of mankind. It is long, I warn you.

JuancoRocks · 03-07-2009, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zhuge Liang

From my old blog, I present, the greatest joke in the history of mankind. It is long, I warn you.

I've been warned twice and I still read it twice. It's mesmerizing.
What does that mean?

Flint · 03-07-2009, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zhuge Liang

From my old blog, I present, the greatest joke in the history of mankind. It is long, I warn you.

Did you write that? Great job! Loved it.

03-03-2009, 06:57 PM	#4
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	__________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

03-03-2009, 10:10 PM	#5
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Apparently I'm only 20% woman __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-03-2009, 10:13 PM	#6
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	But...you give it 110% __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

03-04-2009, 03:50 PM	#7
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	A guy dies and goes to heaven, and whille he's waiting for St Peter to do the paperwork, he sees a strange being in a white coat float by. "What was that?" he asked. "Oh that was just God, he likes to play doctor sometimes" __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-04-2009, 04:28 PM	#8
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

02-28-2009, 05:14 PM	#1
Tulip Professor Join Date: May 2008 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 1,293	You are on the bus when you suddenly realize .... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

03-01-2009, 12:01 AM	#2
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Apartment for rent A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note: Dear Madam: Enclosed please find a check worth $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that; #1 - It had never been occupied; #2 - There was plenty of heat; and #3 - It was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - It had been previously occupied, #2 - There wasn't any heat, and #3 - It was entirely too large.' Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

03-03-2009, 06:15 PM	#3
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	My cousin sent me this via email just a short while ago. I thought it was funny. Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women PREGNANCY Q & A & more! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q : Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. 'ESTROGEN ISSUES' 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES' 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'. 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.' 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off- white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

03-04-2009, 04:35 PM	#9
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	Good one, Pie. I'll have to use that at work. __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

03-04-2009, 05:16 PM	#10
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	http://videos.komando.com/2008/06/04...rprising-laugh __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

03-04-2009, 07:39 PM	#11
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	__________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

03-05-2009, 10:52 AM	#12
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?" __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-06-2009, 07:13 AM	#13
Kaliayev Magnificent Bastard Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 216	From my old blog, I present, the greatest joke in the history of mankind. It is long, I warn you.

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