Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 176

Gravdigr · 05-08-2009, 03:29 PM

Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says to the other muffin "Whew, it's hotter than hell in here." The other muffin said "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

BrianR · 05-10-2009, 01:15 PM

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

BrianR · 05-10-2009, 01:17 PM

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"

classicman · 05-11-2009, 10:12 AM

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New Jersey fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?

jester · 05-11-2009, 05:17 PM

Name: Swineflu.jpg
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Hope you haven't seen this before..

busterb · 05-11-2009, 05:37 PM

rerun!!!!

Sheldonrs · 05-11-2009, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by busterb

rerun!!!!

"What's Happenin'" ?

jester · 05-11-2009, 06:35 PM

pssh - oh well.

Juniper · 05-13-2009, 11:38 AM

Silly joke my 11 year old son told me yesterday:

How does a turtle cross the road?

To find out the answer,

Take out the "f" in free

and take out the "f" in way.

What's that you say?

Did you figure out the answer yet?

Do you get it?

It took me about five seconds, because I can be kinda slow sometimes...

But I got it.

There's no f in way.

Cute.

footfootfoot · 05-14-2009, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Juniper

Silly joke my 11 year old son told me yesterday:

How does a turtle cross the road?

To find out the answer,

Take out the "f" in free

and take out the "f" in way.

What's that you say?

Did you figure out the answer yet?

Do you get it?

It took me about five seconds, because I can be kinda slow sometimes...

But I got it.

There's no f in way.

Cute.

Variation:
Kids asks for chocolate ice cream at the store. "There's no chocolate, just vanilla and strawberry." Kid asks for chocolate again. repeat 2x. Store keeper "spell the VAN in vanilla" kids spells van. "Spell the STRAW in strawberry." Kid spells straw. "Now spell the FUCK in chocolate" There is no fuck in (fuckin') chocolate.

"That's what I've been tellin' ya, kid"

depmats · 05-13-2009, 03:27 PM

Die Hard reenacted by bunnies in 30 seconds.

Clickie

lumberjim · 05-13-2009, 10:29 PM

10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut

off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in

the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said,

"Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da
finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you

hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got

microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem

back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole

says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

Pie · 05-14-2009, 09:12 PM

A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

capnhowdy · 05-14-2009, 10:31 PM

Best thing about getting a blow job from an Ethiopian:

You know they'll swallow.

How can you kill 200 flies at one time?

Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

SteveDallas · 05-15-2009, 10:55 PM

Bonus RL sort of humorous:

"Thank you for calling DirecTV, Mr. Dallas. I see that you've been a DirecTV subscriber since 2002. We very much appreciate your loyalty. What may I help you with today?"

"I need to cancel my account."

05-08-2009, 03:29 PM	#1
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says to the other muffin "Whew, it's hotter than hell in here." The other muffin said "Holy shit, a talking muffin!" __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

05-10-2009, 01:15 PM	#2
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" The kid said "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'" __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

05-10-2009, 01:17 PM	#3
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!" __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

05-11-2009, 10:12 AM	#4
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!' The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.' The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!' The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night? __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

05-11-2009, 05:37 PM	#6
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	rerun!!!! __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

05-11-2009, 05:17 PM	#5
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Hope you haven't seen this before..

05-11-2009, 06:35 PM	#8
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	pssh - oh well.

05-13-2009, 11:38 AM	#9
Juniper I know, right? Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,539	Silly joke my 11 year old son told me yesterday: How does a turtle cross the road? To find out the answer, Take out the "f" in free and take out the "f" in way. What's that you say? Did you figure out the answer yet? Do you get it? It took me about five seconds, because I can be kinda slow sometimes... But I got it. There's no f in way. Cute.

05-13-2009, 03:27 PM	#11
depmats Major Inhabitant Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 124	Die Hard reenacted by bunnies in 30 seconds. Clickie

05-13-2009, 10:29 PM	#12
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	10 Finkers Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up? __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

05-14-2009, 09:12 PM	#13
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

05-14-2009, 10:31 PM	#14
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Best thing about getting a blow job from an Ethiopian: You know they'll swallow. How can you kill 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

05-15-2009, 10:55 PM	#15
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	Bonus RL sort of humorous: "Thank you for calling DirecTV, Mr. Dallas. I see that you've been a DirecTV subscriber since 2002. We very much appreciate your loyalty. What may I help you with today?" "I need to cancel my account."

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