The Double-Standard Rant

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

I will call "bitch" in a very reasonable way if it is the third time or so that I have pointed the game out, as in... "you are starting to be a bitch about this, any idea why?"

Yeah, I view bitching as a verb as different than being a bitch. As with any word, it's context. I can joke with friends "you bitch" but I was talking about abusive behavior.

Amazing how words can hurt.

You are cool as well

[Aliantha]

Game playing sux. I just asked my husband if he thinks I ever do it and he says never, although he did point out that I sulk, but he always knows what I'm sulking about. He also added that it doesn't usually last long.

[lookout123]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

Game playing sux. I just asked my husband if he thinks I ever do it and he says never, although he did point out that I sulk, but he always knows what I'm sulking about. He also added that it doesn't usually last long.

you asked him the emotional equivalent of "do these pants make my ass look fat?" of course, he would say no. everyone plays games of a sort, at times. the only two ways that can work long term are A) if both partners enjoy the game and find that their games are compatible, B) if the relationship is honest enough that each partner is confident in their ability to throw the bullshit flag as game playing becomes evident.

So the question you have to ask is, "which category explains my relationship?"

[SteveDallas]

Well my pet peeve about "communication" is not being taken at my word. I'm an introverted kind of guy -- INTJ if you want to get specific. If I don't have anything to say about something, I don't have anything to say. If I decide that I don't have an overwhelming desire to do something, but I've decided I'm going to do it (for whatever reason), you're going to have to be satisfied with that and not continue to try to convert me into a zealot. If I say I don't care what color the living room is painted, then I really don't have a preference.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Yes, yes, Steve, absolutely.
I do not want to hear any sentence starting with, "I thought you really meant...."

[Trilby]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

You are NOT a goddess or princess...

Some of us are.

Lol... preach on sister!

[Trilby]

[Iggy]

Well, I am also one of those women that doesn't like to play games. I can be unclear about things and then expect him to know, but if he points that out to me I am more than happy to take the responsibility for it. That is pretty much the extent of my accidental game playing. We both will call bullshit on the other if there is any games being played.

If I have a problem with something, I will tell him. And if I am not clear about it then I won't let myself be upset about it. It was my own fault in that case. We are all human and make mistakes.

The only thing that gets to me is if I say "honey, would you please take out the trash?" or something similar and he says yes but then doesn't do it for several days in a row. If he knows he isn't going to do it, he should say so, and I tell him as much. But lately he has been really stressed so I let things like that slide. I wouldn't be thinking very clearly if I was him, so I can't expect him to be super-human.

Communication is key, as I always say. Pretty much every time we have been upset with the other one is when there was a lack of communication. But practice makes perfect!

Originally Posted by Iggy

Well, I am also one of those women that doesn't like to play games. I can be unclear about things and then expect him to know, but if he points that out to me I am more than happy to take the responsibility for it. That is pretty much the extent of my accidental game playing. We both will call bullshit on the other if there is any games being played.

If I have a problem with something, I will tell him. And if I am not clear about it then I won't let myself be upset about it. It was my own fault in that case. We are all human and make mistakes.

The only thing that gets to me is if I say "honey, would you please take out the trash?" or something similar and he says yes but then doesn't do it for several days in a row. If he knows he isn't going to do it, he should say so, and I tell him as much. But lately he has been really stressed so I let things like that slide. I wouldn't be thinking very clearly if I was him, so I can't expect him to be super-human.

Communication is key, as I always say. Pretty much every time we have been upset with the other one is when there was a lack of communication. But practice makes perfect!

Guys can get distracted easily...

[Iggy]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

Guys can get distracted easily...

Well yeah, but that is why if he does it two days in a row I don't particularly care. But if it gets to 3 or more (generally speaking) you can't ignore it because it smells up the apartment. That is why I want it gone. So I almost always take it out myself if he lets it go that long.

Part of the problem is I don't want to nag, so I can't really remind him because he might think I am nagging. I usually remind him two days in a row (once a day) and after that if it doesn't happen I take it out myself (unless it is super heavy for some reason) and tell him I took it out. He will then usually say he is sorry, he really meant to do it, but it is just annoying to me sometimes. No big deal really.

If I at home and I ask him to do it and he doesn't, then I start getting ready to take it out and he usually does it for me. But we work slightly different schedules so most of the time I say something in passing or the night before. So I am not really surprised that he forgets. I just can't stand the smell of old garbage...

[bluecuracao]

Originally Posted by Iggy

Well yeah, but that is why if he does it two days in a row I don't particularly care. But if it gets to 3 or more (generally speaking) you can't ignore it because it smells up the apartment. That is why I want it gone. So I almost always take it out myself if he lets it go that long.

Part of the problem is I don't want to nag, so I can't really remind him because he might think I am nagging. I usually remind him two days in a row (once a day) and after that if it doesn't happen I take it out myself (unless it is super heavy for some reason) and tell him I took it out. He will then usually say he is sorry, he really meant to do it, but it is just annoying to me sometimes. No big deal really.

If I at home and I ask him to do it and he doesn't, then I start getting ready to take it out and he usually does it for me. But we work slightly different schedules so most of the time I say something in passing or the night before. So I am not really surprised that he forgets. I just can't stand the smell of old garbage...

The trick is to ask him right as he's leaving the house ("Will you take out the trash on your way out?"). If the trashbag is full the night before, I tie it up and leave it by the door--so if I forget to ask, it's usually noticed and gets taken out anyway.

[Iggy]

Originally Posted by bluecuracao

The trick is to ask him right as he's leaving the house ("Will you take out the trash on your way out?"). If the trashbag is full the night before, I tie it up and leave it by the door--so if I forget to ask, it's usually noticed and gets taken out anyway.

Well, see, that is the problem. He either goes to work a couple hours before me and I am asleep at the time, or I go to work before him and he is asleep, or he is late for work. He always waits until the very last second to leave for work so if I asked him to take the trash out on his way out he would be late.
And I tried getting the trash ready and by the door. There were three bags of several day old trash by the door and in his way (I put it where you had to basically walk over the trash to get out of the door) and he still didn't take them out.

And I always try to speak calmly and neutrally to him when I want something done. Usually I have to say "I really don't want to have to take out the trash again because it is really heavy and I have been doing most of the cleaning anyway. I would really appreciate it if you took it out for me."
He responds fairly well to that, but like DanaC said, we are all human. I think he just forgets until he is out the door and is running late and then there isn't time.

And Bruce, that is my problem. He said he would so I expect him to. It isn't like I am asking him to read my mind.
That is a pet peeve of mine. If you aren't sure you are going to do something, say you will try. Don't say you will and then not do it.

[Aliantha]

lookout, I don't think you can make that judgement call on my realtionship. Hubby and I tend to be honest with each other about what's pissing us off and game playing doesn't come into it in any way.

I already knew I didn't play mind games, but I asked him for his perspective and got the answer I expected.

Why is it hard to believe there'd be no game playing?

[lookout123]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

Why is it hard to believe there'd be no game playing?

sorry, didn't mean to insult. i'm just saying that, at times, everyone slips into a game, whether intentionally or not. healthy relationships are relationships where it is ok to throw the BS flag. it's possible that you and i have different definitions of game playing as well.