need advice really really bad - Page 2

staceyv · 02-12-2004, 03:22 PM

i'm not friends with his friends. most of them only speak russian. plus, i know he's not cheating on me right now. my worry is that our whole relationship leading up to our marriage was based on a lie. thanks for the input, though, i just don't speak russian...

FileNotFound · 02-12-2004, 03:27 PM

Bet you $50 that the day he gets his citizenship will be the day he files for a divorce and a K1 for that gf of his.

Not saying that it will happen, just that it's fairly common and I'm willing to bet $50 on it.

Why would he write those emails to her if he wasn't intending to bail on you? To me it sounds like he wants to get together with her when the chances comes.

Do this. Keep all these emails, keep everything you can to use against him. When he tries to pull his stunt, you can get him deported and ruin his plans. Plus you'll get every penny.

Hell, you could do so now. Did he get his green card due to being married to you? If he did, and you can show that the only reason he married you was to get his gf out of Russia, you can easily deport him.

You have any emails from her?

Just because he treats you like a princess, doesn't mean that he loves you. He could just be a very nice sweet guy, who just happens to see you as a nice girl that's pleasant to be around with and a means to an end.

FileNotFound · 02-12-2004, 03:29 PM

Oh and it's fine if the emails from her are in Russian or "ruski" as in Russian in English, I can read both just fine.

staceyv · 02-12-2004, 03:33 PM

He could just be a very nice sweet guy, who just happens to see you as a nice girl that's pleasant to be around with and a means to an end.

this is what i'm so worried about. the thing is, i read her e-mails to him and she says she doesn't understand why he loves her so much because they only dated for two weeks (he lost his virginity to her) also, she tells him that she has a boyfriend and it is serious. she congratulates him on his marriage. i really don't think that she was half as interested as he was, by reading her letters. i doubt that they will be together, because she is traveling the world, telling him of parties, her boyfriend, etc. and his e-mail after marriage hasn't had the "i love yous" and all of that, mostly just friendly stuff. it's not her i'm so worried about, it's the fact that i was/am? living a lie, he didn't feel the same, i can't trust us or him...and i really love him and i want to believe he loves me, but I HATE BEING A FOOL!!!

Undertoad · 02-12-2004, 03:37 PM

Was he giving and thoughtful in May when, at the end of the month, he was supposedly finding Newport "boring" and hoping he'd "evade" to Europe?

It's possible he was just stringing this other gal along...

staceyv · 02-12-2004, 03:41 PM

Was he giving and thoughtful in May when, at the end of the month, he was supposedly finding Newport "boring" and hoping he'd "evade" to Europe? yes, he was. as always

It's possible he was just stringing this other gal along...
i thought maybe he felt guilty for being with me, and instead of going into detail about his life, he just said it was boring...how could SHE help him with citizenship? that's the part i don't get.

FileNotFound · 02-12-2004, 03:42 PM

Well as long as you know that he can't run off with her because she doesn't want to, you have nothing to worry about.

But keep those letters anyway. They can come in handy with two faced people.

Hard to say, maybe he really does love you but is trying to keep the other girl around as a back up. Maybe he hopes that US Citizenship will impress the girl. (www.bride.ru or is it www.brides.ru (can't check at work..would be creepy)is a prime example of how impressed Russian girls are with US citizenship)

Oh and don't worry about the "virginity" thing. I don't think most guys care if they lost thier virginity to the girl of their dreams or a $5 hooker - as long as they lost it.

Seriously though, if the only thing you're worried about is "living a lie" get over it. There is nothing you can do to find out the "truth". I feel that in a relationship, the truth is what you make it.

staceyv · 02-12-2004, 03:48 PM

so, you mean i should just continue on with life, have sex with him tonight, bake him some muffins and smile? god, i wish i could. but i don't know anymore if his love is real or a stupid act. i don't know if he married me for a green card just so he could be with her and then changed his mind and decided to be with me,... i don't want that! i don't want to be his second choice and accept it and be nice to him and love him, because if that was the case, he would not deserve it.

FileNotFound · 02-12-2004, 03:56 PM

*shrug*

You have no way to find out the truth. He's obviously a liar.

Someone is being lied to, it's either you, or her. Or both.

Oh sure you could "confront" him, but what would that get you? No matter what the deal is, he'd get pissed off about you reading his mail. If he was like me, he'd never forgive you for that.

If you confront him without the evidence, he can just tell you that he loves you very much and has long forgotten about all other women. Maybe it's even the truth...only he knows.

There is nothing you can do. Everything he does and says could be a lie.

So you're just going to have to forget all you read (after putting it in a nice place for safe keeping. (I suggest a bank)) and then do your best to trust him, if you can. If you can't...well what other option is there?

Riddil · 02-12-2004, 05:38 PM

Well think about the possible things that could happen. There is only one way in which this relationship can go on. If you accept his apologies and start loving him again, then if his love is true the relationship will last.

In every other case the marriage will end, whether it's because he "used" you, or because trust died.

So yeah. To make this work it will take a leap of faith. But isn't that what a marriage is anyhow?

(Oh, and the things you listed are all great things he's done, but if he's just sitting around bored is he really sacrificing anything? Measure not just the time he takes, but the time he takes away from what he wants to do).

wolf · 02-12-2004, 06:25 PM

Do you have any of HER responses? Is one torch carried fully lit, and the other guttering or extinguished?

(yeah, i know that's not totally relevant, but it would be interesting to know what her responses are.)

lumberjim · 02-12-2004, 07:10 PM

ok, stacy, as requested, i've read this post. this is your doing, mainly.

you should not have read his email. if you hadn;t you'd not be torturing yourself with doubt now.

What says he can;t love that girl and love you? he married you. he lives with YOU. man can only be judged by his actions, not his thoughts, which you've snooped into. everyone has fantasies. he was with her for 2 weeks(he syas) so all he knew of her was the "new love" phase and that's locked in his memory, and takes him to a place that excited him and made him feel loved. Maybe he IS bored. Maybe YOU're bored.

this damage is yours. you need to forgive him for his fantasy ; forgive yourslef for sneaking into his mind; forget it ever happened, and go on loving him. If he leaves you, he leaves you. Doesn't sound like he will, though. sounds relatively devoted if you ask me. Why can't you be satisfied with what he DOES? must you control his very thoughts? ask him if he loves this girl. ask him if he loves you. ask him if he intends to stay with you.

and NEVER NEVER EVER read his emails again.

I had a similar experience once when shelb and i were fighting,. she had discussed my faults with her friends(which she has every friggin right to do) and i stumbled accross it, followed the thread, and was dejected and depressed for about 3 days until i realized that i had no business spying on her conversations with her friends. so...i confronted her with what bothered me- after apologizing for invading her privacy- we talked it out, and it's all good now. strong marriages don;t get any stronger if there is never a problem to resolve....it's like exercise.

you done wrong...fix it.

staceyv · 02-12-2004, 08:24 PM

lumberjim, he wrote those e-mails to her at the very beginning of our relationship!! we met march 30, and the letters are from april, may, june, july... it wasn't that he was bored with me - he just met me! while he was telling me he was falling in love with me, he was telling this girl he loved her and would be with her again, he was working on a green card, etc. he knows i read his e-mail and he' not mad about that. sorry if you think it is wrong, i just wanted to know who this "eva was" because i'm his wife, i have a right, i would rather know than walk around like a blind fool.

lumberjim · 02-12-2004, 08:56 PM

yeah, ok, so now you know.....when's the last email he sent her from? why is this an issue today?

you'll be fine......

OR

you're using this as an excuse to move in a direction that you want to move in.

stacy, i'm not trying to be a jerk to you, but as an objective, unconcerned observer, these are my thoughts.

hope it all works out for you. it doesn't matter WHEN he did it. have you talked to him recently about it?

ps when's your next song coming out? this would make good fodder for one, i think.....

OnyxCougar · 02-12-2004, 09:41 PM

Here's the bottom line:

Right now, do you trust him to be your husband and everything that goes with that, until you both die?

If your answer is yes, then your problem is solved. Go have sex, bake muffins and be wifey. (And learn Russian. It's not that hard.)

If your answer is no, you no longer trust your husband, then the bottom line foundation is gone and you'd be better off to cut your losses now, and have his ass deported.

Whether or not he SAYS he loves you and not her is totally irrelevant. It comes down to whether you trust him or not.

From your responses to the other posts, I don't think you do.

It's over.

02-12-2004, 03:27 PM	#17
FileNotFound Intouch with his inner sheep rider. Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 603	Bet you $50 that the day he gets his citizenship will be the day he files for a divorce and a K1 for that gf of his. Not saying that it will happen, just that it's fairly common and I'm willing to bet $50 on it. Why would he write those emails to her if he wasn't intending to bail on you? To me it sounds like he wants to get together with her when the chances comes. Do this. Keep all these emails, keep everything you can to use against him. When he tries to pull his stunt, you can get him deported and ruin his plans. Plus you'll get every penny. Hell, you could do so now. Did he get his green card due to being married to you? If he did, and you can show that the only reason he married you was to get his gf out of Russia, you can easily deport him. You have any emails from her? Just because he treats you like a princess, doesn't mean that he loves you. He could just be a very nice sweet guy, who just happens to see you as a nice girl that's pleasant to be around with and a means to an end. __________________ This is a rat. \|This is a hamster.\| This is a chipmunk.\| This is a Sheep Rider.

02-12-2004, 03:29 PM	#18
FileNotFound Intouch with his inner sheep rider. Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 603	Oh and it's fine if the emails from her are in Russian or "ruski" as in Russian in English, I can read both just fine. __________________ This is a rat. \|This is a hamster.\| This is a chipmunk.\| This is a Sheep Rider.

02-12-2004, 03:42 PM	#22
FileNotFound Intouch with his inner sheep rider. Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 603	Well as long as you know that he can't run off with her because she doesn't want to, you have nothing to worry about. But keep those letters anyway. They can come in handy with two faced people. Hard to say, maybe he really does love you but is trying to keep the other girl around as a back up. Maybe he hopes that US Citizenship will impress the girl. (www.bride.ru or is it www.brides.ru (can't check at work..would be creepy)is a prime example of how impressed Russian girls are with US citizenship) Oh and don't worry about the "virginity" thing. I don't think most guys care if they lost thier virginity to the girl of their dreams or a $5 hooker - as long as they lost it. Seriously though, if the only thing you're worried about is "living a lie" get over it. There is nothing you can do to find out the "truth". I feel that in a relationship, the truth is what you make it. __________________ This is a rat. \|This is a hamster.\| This is a chipmunk.\| This is a Sheep Rider.

02-12-2004, 03:56 PM	#24
FileNotFound Intouch with his inner sheep rider. Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 603	shrug You have no way to find out the truth. He's obviously a liar. Someone is being lied to, it's either you, or her. Or both. Oh sure you could "confront" him, but what would that get you? No matter what the deal is, he'd get pissed off about you reading his mail. If he was like me, he'd never forgive you for that. If you confront him without the evidence, he can just tell you that he loves you very much and has long forgotten about all other women. Maybe it's even the truth...only he knows. There is nothing you can do. Everything he does and says could be a lie. So you're just going to have to forget all you read (after putting it in a nice place for safe keeping. (I suggest a bank)) and then do your best to trust him, if you can. If you can't...well what other option is there? __________________ This is a rat. \|This is a hamster.\| This is a chipmunk.\| This is a Sheep Rider.

02-12-2004, 06:25 PM	#26
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Do you have any of HER responses? Is one torch carried fully lit, and the other guttering or extinguished? (yeah, i know that's not totally relevant, but it would be interesting to know what her responses are.) __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

02-12-2004, 03:22 PM	#16
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	i'm not friends with his friends. most of them only speak russian. plus, i know he's not cheating on me right now. my worry is that our whole relationship leading up to our marriage was based on a lie. thanks for the input, though, i just don't speak russian...

02-12-2004, 03:33 PM	#19
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	He could just be a very nice sweet guy, who just happens to see you as a nice girl that's pleasant to be around with and a means to an end. this is what i'm so worried about. the thing is, i read her e-mails to him and she says she doesn't understand why he loves her so much because they only dated for two weeks (he lost his virginity to her) also, she tells him that she has a boyfriend and it is serious. she congratulates him on his marriage. i really don't think that she was half as interested as he was, by reading her letters. i doubt that they will be together, because she is traveling the world, telling him of parties, her boyfriend, etc. and his e-mail after marriage hasn't had the "i love yous" and all of that, mostly just friendly stuff. it's not her i'm so worried about, it's the fact that i was/am? living a lie, he didn't feel the same, i can't trust us or him...and i really love him and i want to believe he loves me, but I HATE BEING A FOOL!!!

02-12-2004, 03:37 PM	#20
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Was he giving and thoughtful in May when, at the end of the month, he was supposedly finding Newport "boring" and hoping he'd "evade" to Europe? It's possible he was just stringing this other gal along...

02-12-2004, 03:41 PM	#21
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	Was he giving and thoughtful in May when, at the end of the month, he was supposedly finding Newport "boring" and hoping he'd "evade" to Europe? yes, he was. as always It's possible he was just stringing this other gal along... i thought maybe he felt guilty for being with me, and instead of going into detail about his life, he just said it was boring...how could SHE help him with citizenship? that's the part i don't get.

02-12-2004, 03:48 PM	#23
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	so, you mean i should just continue on with life, have sex with him tonight, bake him some muffins and smile? god, i wish i could. but i don't know anymore if his love is real or a stupid act. i don't know if he married me for a green card just so he could be with her and then changed his mind and decided to be with me,... i don't want that! i don't want to be his second choice and accept it and be nice to him and love him, because if that was the case, he would not deserve it.

02-12-2004, 05:38 PM	#25
Riddil Management Consultant Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 165	Well think about the possible things that could happen. There is only one way in which this relationship can go on. If you accept his apologies and start loving him again, then if his love is true the relationship will last. In every other case the marriage will end, whether it's because he "used" you, or because trust died. So yeah. To make this work it will take a leap of faith. But isn't that what a marriage is anyhow? (Oh, and the things you listed are all great things he's done, but if he's just sitting around bored is he really sacrificing anything? Measure not just the time he takes, but the time he takes away from what he wants to do).

02-12-2004, 07:10 PM	#27
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	ok, stacy, as requested, i've read this post. this is your doing, mainly. you should not have read his email. if you hadn;t you'd not be torturing yourself with doubt now. What says he can;t love that girl and love you? he married you. he lives with YOU. man can only be judged by his actions, not his thoughts, which you've snooped into. everyone has fantasies. he was with her for 2 weeks(he syas) so all he knew of her was the "new love" phase and that's locked in his memory, and takes him to a place that excited him and made him feel loved. Maybe he IS bored. Maybe YOU're bored. this damage is yours. you need to forgive him for his fantasy ; forgive yourslef for sneaking into his mind; forget it ever happened, and go on loving him. If he leaves you, he leaves you. Doesn't sound like he will, though. sounds relatively devoted if you ask me. Why can't you be satisfied with what he DOES? must you control his very thoughts? ask him if he loves this girl. ask him if he loves you. ask him if he intends to stay with you. and NEVER NEVER EVER read his emails again. I had a similar experience once when shelb and i were fighting,. she had discussed my faults with her friends(which she has every friggin right to do) and i stumbled accross it, followed the thread, and was dejected and depressed for about 3 days until i realized that i had no business spying on her conversations with her friends. so...i confronted her with what bothered me- after apologizing for invading her privacy- we talked it out, and it's all good now. strong marriages don;t get any stronger if there is never a problem to resolve....it's like exercise. you done wrong...fix it. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

02-12-2004, 08:24 PM	#28
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	lumberjim, he wrote those e-mails to her at the very beginning of our relationship!! we met march 30, and the letters are from april, may, june, july... it wasn't that he was bored with me - he just met me! while he was telling me he was falling in love with me, he was telling this girl he loved her and would be with her again, he was working on a green card, etc. he knows i read his e-mail and he' not mad about that. sorry if you think it is wrong, i just wanted to know who this "eva was" because i'm his wife, i have a right, i would rather know than walk around like a blind fool.

02-12-2004, 08:56 PM	#29
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	yeah, ok, so now you know.....when's the last email he sent her from? why is this an issue today? you'll be fine...... OR you're using this as an excuse to move in a direction that you want to move in. stacy, i'm not trying to be a jerk to you, but as an objective, unconcerned observer, these are my thoughts. hope it all works out for you. it doesn't matter WHEN he did it. have you talked to him recently about it? ps when's your next song coming out? this would make good fodder for one, i think..... __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

02-12-2004, 09:41 PM	#30
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	Here's the bottom line: Right now, do you trust him to be your husband and everything that goes with that, until you both die? If your answer is yes, then your problem is solved. Go have sex, bake muffins and be wifey. (And learn Russian. It's not that hard.) If your answer is no, you no longer trust your husband, then the bottom line foundation is gone and you'd be better off to cut your losses now, and have his ass deported. Whether or not he SAYS he loves you and not her is totally irrelevant. It comes down to whether you trust him or not. From your responses to the other posts, I don't think you do. It's over.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)