Polishing the Buckle on the Bible Belt - Page 2

Bullitt · 08-11-2005, 12:55 PM

Yeah, one of my buddies used to be a Jewhova's Witness.. his praents still go to the church, but he butted out when he turned 18. Still has his "Do not give this person blood" card just for kicks.. talk about scary

08-11-2005, 02:09 PM

I used to go out with a guy who had been raised JW. He was one messed up dude. Had quit the JW's when he left home, and didn't go to church at all when I knew him, but he still seemed to think God was out to get him or something. Knew another man who was a practicing JW and practicing wife beater - definately a strange group!

Urbane Guerrilla · 08-11-2005, 04:49 PM

Let's hear it for intelligent religious denominations!

I'm baptized and confirmed Episcopalian -- thought is encouraged. Even if the much-venerated via media is so littered and messy one is tempted to grab a broom. Some Episcopalians will quip in reply to an oft-raised challenge from unchurched people that they don't believe in organized religion either.

If anything, I was raised Unitarian -- Christians who avoid even the profession of the Christian Creeds, Nicene, Apostles', or the Athanasian. With this bunch, thought is required. Nothing's handed you; you find it with your own intellect.

xoxoxoBruce · 08-11-2005, 05:34 PM

OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD
I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

Happy Monkey · 08-11-2005, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

Technically, that's not a coincidence, but a deception.

Which is just what I would expect from the Pastamancer's natural enemy.

08-11-2005, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD
I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution...

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature...

I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

Oh, God, Bruce that is priceless! Second time in two days you've had me laughing out loud in front of my computer screen!

SEND IT! DO IT! YEA!

BigV · 08-28-2005, 03:25 AM

The Japan Times weighs in.

Quote:

Well, I felt that I just had to get to the bottom of this theory of Intelligent Design. So I went right to the source and contacted the Dorothy Toto School of Intelligent Design in Rumsfeld, Kansas. It was a miracle, too, that the phone was answered by none other than the principal of the Dorothy Toto School himself, I.M. Lord. The following is a faithful, if you will, transcript of that interview.

richlevy · 08-28-2005, 10:21 AM

The Darwinists need counter programming.

Quote:

Introducing a new and exciting main Character, "Dirt," the urban rock chick, g-string wearing girl and 'Mr Boo,' her emotive bear backpack that conveys information about the surrounding game world.

This should get the interest of the high school gamers, at least.

08-11-2005, 12:55 PM	#16
Bullitt This is a fully functional babe lair Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Akron, OH Posts: 2,324	Yeah, one of my buddies used to be a Jewhova's Witness.. his praents still go to the church, but he butted out when he turned 18. Still has his "Do not give this person blood" card just for kicks.. talk about scary __________________ Kiss my white Irish ass.

08-11-2005, 02:09 PM	#17
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	I used to go out with a guy who had been raised JW. He was one messed up dude. Had quit the JW's when he left home, and didn't go to church at all when I knew him, but he still seemed to think God was out to get him or something. Knew another man who was a practicing JW and practicing wife beater - definately a strange group! Last edited by marichiko; 08-11-2005 at 06:15 PM.

08-11-2005, 04:49 PM	#18
Urbane Guerrilla Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Southern California Posts: 6,674	Let's hear it for intelligent religious denominations! I'm baptized and confirmed Episcopalian -- thought is encouraged. Even if the much-venerated via media is so littered and messy one is tempted to grab a broom. Some Episcopalians will quip in reply to an oft-raised challenge from unchurched people that they don't believe in organized religion either. If anything, I was raised Unitarian -- Christians who avoid even the profession of the Christian Creeds, Nicene, Apostles', or the Athanasian. With this bunch, thought is required. Nothing's handed you; you find it with your own intellect. __________________ Wanna stop school shootings? End Gun-Free Zones, of course.

08-11-2005, 05:34 PM	#19
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design. Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him. It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith. Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease. I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t. You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature. In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence. Sincerely Yours, Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. Last edited by xoxoxoBruce; 04-07-2007 at 05:55 PM.

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