Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 219

TheMercenary · 03-31-2010, 08:44 PM

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap..
>
When the train emerges from the tunnel the French guy has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
>
The old lady thinks: The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
>
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
>
The French guy thinks: That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
>
And the English bloke thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel just so I can smack that French bastard again.

Nirvana · 04-02-2010, 01:15 PM

The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from
his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

OR...

3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

classicman · 04-05-2010, 02:39 PM

A professor at Leeds University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?'

About 3 students raise their hand.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further......Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,

no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Abdul , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Abdul replied, "Oh, uh sorry..... From where I was sitting at the back I thought you said Goats! "

classicman · 04-08-2010, 09:23 AM

thats not funny - its true & sad.

Pie · 04-08-2010, 10:38 AM

More not funny, sad.

lumberjim · 04-08-2010, 01:43 PM

TheMercenary · 04-08-2010, 02:11 PM

DeLuise was the bomb.

Sheldonrs · 04-08-2010, 03:16 PM

And one of his funniest movies was "Hot Stuff". Rent it or buy it. I almost died laughing during the pot smoking scene!

spudcon · 04-08-2010, 03:27 PM

True and funny

TheMercenary · 04-08-2010, 03:45 PM

True, funny, and practical.

BrianR · 04-09-2010, 12:21 AM

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian
woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card
today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

BrianR · 04-09-2010, 12:22 AM

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365, "We Shall Gather at the River."

xoxoxoBruce · 04-09-2010, 01:00 PM

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."
"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"

Gravdigr · 04-09-2010, 02:47 PM

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'Watch this!' and promptly
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
cinnamon roll.'

Stress Puppy · 04-10-2010, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'Watch this!' and promptly
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
cinnamon roll.'

I first read it this way:

Quote:

a hotshot F-14 is assigned to escort a B-52 on a mission. the hotshot is flying barrel-rolls doing flips and flying around( and just being a nussiance to) the lumbering bomber. after awhile the F-14 pilot askeds the B-52 pilot what he thinks about his flying skills. The B-52 pilot says that he has some skills but if he ( the B-52 pilot) could show him something just by flying in the B-52. the hotshot responds with. a sarcastic," oh yeah what ever you can do in that hunk I can do better" the B-52 piolt says " ok beat this" and continues to fly straight and level. afer about 15 mins. the hotshot askes " what did you do"? thw other pilot responds with "I just shut off two engines kid!"

04-02-2010, 01:15 PM	#2
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	The Wedding Ring A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1) Having your girl friend find out you're married. 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. OR... 3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. Tough call. You decide. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

04-08-2010, 09:23 AM	#4
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	thats not funny - its true & sad. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

04-08-2010, 10:38 AM	#5
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	More not funny, sad. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

04-08-2010, 01:43 PM	#6
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	__________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

04-08-2010, 03:16 PM	#8
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	And one of his funniest movies was "Hot Stuff". Rent it or buy it. I almost died laughing during the pot smoking scene! __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

03-31-2010, 08:44 PM	#1
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts. The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.. > When the train emerges from the tunnel the French guy has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks. > The old lady thinks: The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek. > The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek. > The French guy thinks: That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. > And the English bloke thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel just so I can smack that French bastard again.

04-05-2010, 02:39 PM	#3
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A professor at Leeds University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. 'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?' About 3 students raise their hand. 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further......Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Abdul , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Abdul replied, "Oh, uh sorry..... From where I was sitting at the back I thought you said Goats! " __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

04-08-2010, 02:11 PM	#7
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	DeLuise was the bomb.

04-08-2010, 03:27 PM	#9
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	True and funny Attached Images __________________ "I believe that being despised by the despicable is as good as being admired by the admirable."

04-08-2010, 03:45 PM	#10
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	True, funny, and practical.

04-09-2010, 12:21 AM	#11
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin. One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

04-09-2010, 12:22 AM	#12
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "We Shall Gather at the River." __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

04-09-2010, 01:00 PM	#13
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?" "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen! He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver. "Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

04-09-2010, 02:47 PM	#14
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Pilot Humor A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'Watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.' __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

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