Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 233

Gravdigr · 08-23-2010, 04:24 AM

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Lamplighter · 08-23-2010, 11:07 AM

Cast of characters:

Computer: xoxoxoBruce
Monitor: UnderToad
Mouse: Wolf
Keyboard: LumberJim
Printer: ? ? ?

(No evil intended)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

Computer:Monitor, display this document, ok?

Monitor: No prob, boss.

Computer: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.

Computer: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?

Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.

Computer: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?

Mouse: Of course.

Keyboard: Sir, he's pressed control and P simultaneously.

Monitor: Oh God, here we go.

Computer: *sighs* Printer, are you there?

Printer: No.

Computer: Please, Printer. I know you're there.

Printer: NO! I'm not here! Leave me alone!

Computer: Jesus. OK look, you really ne...

Mouse: Sir, he's clicked on the printer icon.

Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

Printer: NO! NO! NO! I don't want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I'm turning off!

Computer: Printer, you know you can't turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we'll leave you alone.

Printer: NO! That's what you always say! I hate you! I'm out of ink!

Computer: You're not out of in...

Printer: I'M OUT OF INK!

Computer: *Sighs* Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.

Monitor: But sir, he has plen...

Computer: Just do it, damn it!

Monitor: Yes sir.

Keyboard: AHHH! He's hitting me!

Computer: Stay calm, he'll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.

Keyboard: He's pressing everything. Oh god, I don't know, he's just pressing everything!

Computer: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you've done?!

Printer: HA! that's what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he...hey...HEY! He's trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my god! He's torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please! ERROR!

Monitor: Sir, maybe we should help him?

Computer: No. He did this to himself.

BigV · 08-18-2010, 11:37 AM

*YOU'RE* sorry?!

Shawnee123 · 08-18-2010, 02:07 PM

Haven't been to the politics forums lately?

That's a great joke. I'll tell my nieces!

wanderer · 08-18-2010, 02:33 PM

Why it rains in Europe and not in Gulf

http://www.mailbrunch.com/email/Why-...b-71cf27b53281

GunMaster357 · 08-19-2010, 04:16 AM

Unless I'm sadly mistaken, I never saw Europe in any of those pictures...

But I don't understand why rain clouds do not have an interest into getting that girl wet...

GunMaster357 · 08-19-2010, 04:21 AM

Rhianne, IF you ever think that a joke will be offensive to someone, feel free to post it into the "Tasteless Jokes" thread in the "Entertainment" forum.

There, you'll see some jokes that are truly offensive.

Nirvana · 08-19-2010, 02:08 PM

Alas, where has all our innocence gone?

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'

*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

*****

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares.'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

*****

.... God's Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

classicman · 08-20-2010, 09:26 AM

nice!

classicman · 08-20-2010, 09:35 AM

This is NSFW or KIDS ........

lookout123 · 08-20-2010, 01:13 PM

hahaha - a rhinocerous. brilliant.

Undertoad · 08-20-2010, 08:31 PM

Excellent Craigslist post: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/cto/1881050881.html

Nirvana · 08-20-2010, 09:12 PM

monster · 08-20-2010, 10:56 PM

excellent ut

xoxoxoBruce · 08-21-2010, 12:52 AM

.

08-23-2010, 04:24 AM	#1
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

08-18-2010, 11:37 AM	#3
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	YOU'RE sorry?! __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

08-18-2010, 02:07 PM	#4
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Haven't been to the politics forums lately? That's a great joke. I'll tell my nieces! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

08-18-2010, 02:33 PM	#5
wanderer Master of the Domain Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 225	Why it rains in Europe and not in Gulf http://www.mailbrunch.com/email/Why-...b-71cf27b53281 __________________ smoke on the water

08-19-2010, 04:16 AM	#6
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Unless I'm sadly mistaken, I never saw Europe in any of those pictures... But I don't understand why rain clouds do not have an interest into getting that girl wet... __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

08-19-2010, 04:21 AM	#7
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Rhianne, IF you ever think that a joke will be offensive to someone, feel free to post it into the "Tasteless Jokes" thread in the "Entertainment" forum. There, you'll see some jokes that are truly offensive. __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

08-19-2010, 02:08 PM	#8
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Alas, where has all our innocence gone? While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..' *** As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..' * Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.' ** Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you! ** On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.' * Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?' * Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares.'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?' *** .... God's Problem Now: His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

08-20-2010, 09:26 AM	#9
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	nice! __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-20-2010, 09:35 AM	#10
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	This is NSFW or KIDS ........ __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-20-2010, 01:13 PM	#11
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	hahaha - a rhinocerous. brilliant. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

08-20-2010, 08:31 PM	#12
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Excellent Craigslist post: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/cto/1881050881.html

08-20-2010, 09:12 PM	#13
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	__________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

08-20-2010, 10:56 PM	#14
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	excellent ut __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

08-21-2010, 12:52 AM	#15
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	. Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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