Humor...I Need Humor...

[monster]

^I know, lame comment, but I did laugh

[squirell nutkin]

Two hikers were in the woods when a distant grizzly bear spotted them and began to charge. one of the hikers frantically began to remove his boots and change into sneakers. His partner said "What are you doing? You'll never be able to out run that bear."
The hiker looked at his friend and said, "I don't have to out run the bear, I only have to out run you."

[monster]

A neutron walks in to a bar and orders a drink.

"How much?" he asks.

The bartender says "For you, no charge."

[squirell nutkin]

An atom said to his friend, "I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?" his friend asked.
"I'm positive."

[SteveDallas]

My friend told me I didn't understand irony. Which was ironic, because we were waiting in line at the movies.

[toranokaze]

now that is ironic

[toranokaze]

And this:

[TheMercenary]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?


'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.


Jane explained to him what sex was.


Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'


Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'


She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.


'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'


Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !


Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?'


Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

[plthijinx]

might be a repeat but here goes:

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She came home very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!!"

[GunMaster357]

Q: What's the definition of a will?



A: It's a dead giveaway.

[skysidhe]

The creator forgot social networking sites.

[classicman]

excellent!

[monster]

just found this, made me laugh. Probably staged, but who cares....

[classicman]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue,
and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for 4 hours and then get
back on the road.
When we checked out 4 hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for 4 hours.
Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the "standard rate". I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," I said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York ,
Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."


''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

[skysidhe]

An irreverent poke in the eye. I thought it was funny in a tongue and cheek kind of way.