Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 266

jimhelm · 08-13-2011, 02:34 AM

I would like to be best friends with him

Lola Bunny · 08-16-2011, 11:12 PM

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seen nobody do it!'

Big Sarge · 08-17-2011, 10:45 AM

I always enjoy a good hind lick manuver

Lola Bunny · 08-17-2011, 11:07 AM

You're a true Southern man...

Spexxvet · 08-17-2011, 03:14 PM

Why don't basketball players have children?
Because they dribble before they shoot.

Why doesn't the Dairy Queen have any children?
Because she's married to Mr. Softy.

Why doesn't Dr. Pepper have any children?
Because he comes in a bottle.

footfootfoot · 08-17-2011, 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spexxvet

Why don't basketball players have children?
Because they dribble before they shoot.

Why doesn't the Dairy Queen have any children?
Because she's married to Mr. Softy.

Why doesn't Dr. Pepper have any children?
Because he comes in a bottle.

How did the dairy queen get pregnant?
The Burger King didn't wrap his whopper.

Why doesn't Dr. Pepper come in a can?
Because he'd cut himself.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife left him.

Gravdigr · 08-17-2011, 04:05 PM

They call me Mason Jar.

Cuz I come in quarts.

TheMercenary · 08-18-2011, 07:28 AM

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "perfect Doc, and I didn't feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

Gravdigr · 08-18-2011, 03:31 PM

TheMercenary · 08-21-2011, 09:50 AM

These are funny...

http://www.happyplace.com/4286/brill...-meaning-signs

BigV · 08-23-2011, 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

These are funny...

http://www.happyplace.com/4286/brill...-meaning-signs

super funny!

TheMercenary · 08-21-2011, 09:53 AM

These are even better.

http://www.happyplace.com/4042/most-...ct-disclaimers

classicman · 08-24-2011, 10:45 PM

A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation. The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the priest. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?

Mad Professor · 08-25-2011, 05:42 AM

crime in multi-storey carparks, it's wrong on so many levels

I had to come up with an 8 character password, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car...

(all from Edinburgh Fringe 2011)

TheMercenary · 08-25-2011, 09:44 AM

The Weather Channel says yesterday’s east cost earthquake was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia.

It is now being called Obama’s Fault, though Obama says it’s really Bush’s Fault.

Other theories are that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves, or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington.

08-13-2011, 02:34 AM	#1
jimhelm a beautiful fool Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 39.939705 Posts: 4,504	I would like to be best friends with him __________________ There's a Shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. _tool

08-17-2011, 10:45 AM	#3
Big Sarge Werepandas - lurking in your shadows Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: In the Deep South Posts: 3,408	I always enjoy a good hind lick manuver __________________ Give a man a match, & he'll be warm for 20 seconds. But toss that man a white phosphorus grenade and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

08-17-2011, 03:14 PM	#5
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	Why don't basketball players have children? Because they dribble before they shoot. Why doesn't the Dairy Queen have any children? Because she's married to Mr. Softy. Why doesn't Dr. Pepper have any children? Because he comes in a bottle. __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

08-17-2011, 04:05 PM	#7
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	They call me Mason Jar. Cuz I come in quarts. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

08-18-2011, 07:28 AM	#8
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.... Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "perfect Doc, and I didn't feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots." __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

08-16-2011, 11:12 PM	#2
Lola Bunny Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 2,728	Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South! Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seen nobody do it!'

08-17-2011, 11:07 AM	#4
Lola Bunny Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 2,728	You're a true Southern man...

08-18-2011, 03:31 PM	#9
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	__________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

08-21-2011, 09:50 AM	#10
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	These are funny... http://www.happyplace.com/4286/brill...-meaning-signs __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

08-21-2011, 09:53 AM	#12
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	These are even better. http://www.happyplace.com/4042/most-...ct-disclaimers __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

08-24-2011, 10:45 PM	#13
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation. The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the priest. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time? __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-25-2011, 05:42 AM	#14
Mad Professor Belt Conveyor Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Blighty Posts: 65	crime in multi-storey carparks, it's wrong on so many levels I had to come up with an 8 character password, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car... (all from Edinburgh Fringe 2011) __________________ Nothin' seems that weird anymore Lo Fidelity Allstars

08-25-2011, 09:44 AM	#15
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	The Weather Channel says yesterday’s east cost earthquake was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia. It is now being called Obama’s Fault, though Obama says it’s really Bush’s Fault. Other theories are that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves, or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

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