Can it be my turn to cry? (Long VENT. Like a novel.)

[DucksNuts]

poutin' sexy though isnt it?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Hoof Hearted

Ha! I sincerely think it was being able to let off steam here at The Cellar AND reading the advice of others that allowed me to view it from a different perspective and let it go without pouting.

Whew, I'm glad you've got a handle on it, 'cause my next suggestion was going to be .......buy another horse.

[Hoof Hearted]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

...my next suggestion was going to be .......buy another horse.

How did you know I was contemplating another horse earlier this week?!
Great Googley Moogley! Don't tell Hubby!

[Pie]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

[footfootfoot]

Yes! Crescent Fresh 40th! The cellar is getting rip roaring drunk tonight in your honor.

[DucksNuts]

HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY HH!!!!

[limey]

Rather late in the day ... I, too, am glad that communication - with your SIL, with your husband - has proved to be the answer this time. I am a great believe in talking things out, if you can. And belated happy birthday, too!

[Hoof Hearted]

Originally Posted by limey

...am glad that communication - with your SIL, with your husband - has proved to be the answer this time.

Thanks for the b-day wishes and apologies for the lengthy delay in responding. I had a friend fly out to visit this week and have been minimally on the internet with her here.

Communication. Well, it looks like we still need to work on communication with the SIL... SIL walked in on me and my friend as I was making disparaging remarks about SIL/BIL to my friend. Granted, SIL only heard a part of that conversation...but she heard the most damning. I felt awful. I really did!
For about 5 minutes.
It took SIL that long to formulate a reply and come back to confront me with the juvenile, yet dramatic, statement of: "Don't bother to cook for us any more."
What she overheard was me making a comment about the crappy Hamburger Helper they purchase to cook on "their" nights. I cannot eat HH as it upsets my digestive system. When I cook, I cook REAL food. Follow recipes and such. Some things come out of a box, (noodles, stuffing, froz/veg) but not the main course. The REST of my comment to my friend was going to include how they haven't used the HH in quite a while, but the last time they (BIL, because SIL can't/won't) cooked was porkchops on the BBQ, but it was over 10-14 days previous...and I was feeling very put upon doing all of the cooking.
So, I was dumbfounded at her response and told her we all needed to sit down and discuss things, and she snarkily replied "Yeah, we will!" So I clapped my hands in a 'shut-up' gesture and replied that we certainly WOULD be having a discussion.
I didn't say it, but I was thinking...my house, my rules and I am going to WIN this one.

I read somewhere though...if you fight to win, everybody loses. If you fight to reach a solution, everybody wins.

I don't want to fight, but I am very tired of feeling used/abused and especially seeing so little gratitude or assistance from them. They empty the dishwasher. They do their own laundry. I have asked and had SIL vacuum once and asked and had her mop once. I have also asked for specific yard work. NOTHING is done on their own initiative. Well, the garbage gets taken to the outdoor trash and I know Hubby doesn't do that so I assume they are carrying that out. However, they do not assist in cleaning the kitchen after I have cooked dinner meals and I have even cleaned some of their pots/pans after they've made a bkfst or lunch meal for themselves.
I just want them out of my house if they are going to continue to behave this way. I want to help them, but I want to see some effort on their part, too. How can I get this across without alienating them?
hh

PS
...as I was preparing my own dinner this evening (of leftovers from last nights' delicious meal I prepared for my friend) SIL entered the kitchen and I heartfelt apologized to her about what she overheard me say. I really DO feel badly that she overheard my comments. She only looked at me and nodded her head. Didn't say a word and went back to the bedroom she and BIL share.
What do I make of that?

[Clodfobble]

You say, "I'm so sorry. I really value our relationship and I feel that living together is causing terrible problems between a group of people who obviously love each other. Look how horribly I behaved! I don't want to make things worse, so you'll just have to move out of my house that I pay for that belongs to me and not you right away. I hope this will help you forgive my terrible outburst."

[Hoof Hearted]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

You say, "I'm so sorry. I really value our relationship and I feel that living together is causing terrible problems between a group of people who obviously love each other. Look how horribly I behaved! I don't want to make things worse, so you'll just have to move out of my house that I pay for that belongs to me and not you right away. I hope this will help you forgive my terrible outburst."

..my tongue tip is poking out the corner of my mouth as I carefully copy this down word for word. Good one!

[Iggy]

Well, I have been trying to finish reading this thread for over a week now and I just never seem able to. But finally I did... and I am glad that you worked out the birthday problems with your hubby. Communication is key! Oh, and a very happy birthday! (however belated it was...)

I am so sorry to hear about the problems between you and SIL. She sounds immature and unresponsible. I think you should definitely sit everyone (hubby, Bro, SIL and yourself) down and talk things out. You might mention that the situation is making you resent them, and you don't want that. I am sure you want a good relationship with them and their living with you is making that impossible. Good luck though! I hope all works out all right!

[Hoof Hearted]

Thanks, I hope it all works out, too.

Well, they returned home from work this evening and have mostly holed up in their room. I guess they don't want to have the discussion tonight, so tomorrow (BIL's b-day) it is. They did hang out a bit in the garage while Hub and I finished installing the soft top on Jeepers. BIL seems comfortable, SIL appeared to be avoiding me.

Later in the house, I overheard SIL ask her hubby if he opened the package of lunchmeat and I replied from down the hall that I had opened it to make my hubby (her brother) a sandwich for lunch. I don't usually eat lunchmeat, so she has nothing to 'dig' me on over that.
Besides, for what we are putting out to keep them, if she wants to fuss over lunchmeat...it will get ugly and go downhill from there.

I lived in a situation where I had to provide ALL of my own foods, kept seperate from the rest of the household AND pay my % of the bills. The food situation is a sore spot with me, and will always be a problem for me because of that situation. I do NOT want to harbor the same feelings here.

I think, to keep the peace, we will have our discussion but I will tone down some of the things I wanted to cover. I think I will outline how they are affecting our finances, request continued help with groceries and perhaps ask them to contribute meats or cook more. I do not want to charge them rent/utilities because I want them to save their money and get out on their own. If they have to pay us, they will be here longer. UNLESS, I keep their money and put it aside and give it back to them (or a portion of) to assist in getting them out. The biggest item...I think we need to give them an Out-Date.
No more bar nights on Friday/Saturday. They need to save their money and do those fun things when they're on their own, not while we are supporting them.

Oh, it is going to be so hard to be the bad guy...but I am certain it will have to be me. Hubby is a push-over if he see's Sis cry.

I also spoke with my mother today and she suggested letting Hubby handle it because it was his invitation and his family...but like I told her; if I wait for him, it won't get done. I need to push the envelope and get it on the table for discussion and resolution.

Thanks, everyone. I know I've dragged my feet over this, but it is nice to continue to get encouragement and advice. It keeps me moving in the right direction.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Maybe if you get it all down on paper in a concise but complete outline, it will firstly let you clarify in your head exactly what the problem is and how you feel about each item. Secondly, be able to discuss in detail how you feel with Mr Hoof Hearted and get his input.

After you, or is that y'all?, decide on what must be done, you can discuss your view/position/plan, with SIL & BIL as a united front. No appeal, that's the way it must be. If they are offended, then they are offended by you both.

Best for all, methinks.....good luck.

[Hoof Hearted]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Maybe if you get it all down on paper in a concise but complete outline...

You must be psychoti...er...um...psyCHIC! Yeah, psychic. That's the word I wanted.
I wrote down everything I wanted to cover on Friday. I have been ammending and reading it to get everything clear in my head. I want to cover the key points but be able to do so in a non-judegmental manner. Sticking to the facts, discussing how things are making people feel (don't know what resolution we'll get on those...) and setting firm dates.

She came thru the LR just a bit ago to get a soda and stopped and spoke with me, saying she hadn't forgotten that we all needed to talk and I was able to let her know I felt we all needed to sit together and discuss everything and that I didn't want it to deteriorate into any arguments. There are just things that I feel need resolution and I'm sure they have things they'd like to discuss, too. I want it to be an open meeting, but there will be some tough decision making going on. The months are wearing on and tempers are getting shorter...we need some boundaries to contain everyone.
...or a door to push them through.

It seems that waiting for the initial 'anger period' to pass allows for better thinking and refining of what one wants to say. I think we'll come through this pretty well.
Thanks for all the advice,
hh