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Relationships People who need people; or, why can't we all just get along?

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Old 04-04-2007, 03:05 PM   #1
glatt
 
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Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
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Old 04-04-2007, 03:26 PM   #2
rkzenrage
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundae Girl View Post
You come across as a real prince sometimes, Merc.
You disagree with what he said, not his wording, what he said?
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Old 04-04-2007, 03:35 PM   #3
Sundae
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkzenrage View Post
You disagree with what he said, not his wording, what he said?
This is the way I read it:
Quote:
I know you want a good looking woman. But sometimes you have to compromise. Sometimes - sheesh - you have to settle for a plain one. I know, I know - it's crummy. But maybe she won't bug you as much. It's a trade-off I realise, but it might be necessary.
I accept he did not say that, but that's the message that came across to me.
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Old 04-04-2007, 03:28 PM   #4
rkzenrage
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Ask yourself this... a good friend, brother, or son is in this relationship, not you.
What do you tell them?
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Old 04-04-2007, 03:38 PM   #5
rkzenrage
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I did not read it that way at all.
"Beautiful" women often come with baggage that more dowdy women, who do not work at being fashionable and outwardly attractive do not come with. I agree with this... we definitely read it in two different ways.
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Old 04-06-2007, 03:20 PM   #6
Hime
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkzenrage View Post
I did not read it that way at all.
"Beautiful" women often come with baggage that more dowdy women, who do not work at being fashionable and outwardly attractive do not come with. I agree with this... we definitely read it in two different ways.
I think everyone deserves to be with someone who finds them attractive. I never advise my friends to settle for someone who they think is plain or homely, because that person deserves to feel attractive, too.

Hey, I never thought I'd get a hot guy, but I never settled for "oh well he has a nice sense of humor"... and lo and behold a gorgeous former Marine decided to propose to me! If you hold out for good chemistry (which doesn't mean that they're America's Next Top Model, just that they make you tingly in the pink parts), you will eventually find it.
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Old 04-04-2007, 03:43 PM   #7
Pie
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A more charitable reading:
"Your hormones drive you to find the hottest woman you can find. But don't
be so shallow, a woman's better qualities may not be obvious on the surface. Take the time to look at the non-obvious choices."

It's also true that hot ones (of either gender) that are not in a committed relationship are more likely to have ...issues. Basic statistical kinetics.
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Old 04-08-2007, 11:36 PM   #8
Predicament
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Hime... actually you had a good string of posts. It reminded me of a past conversation I've had with my SO going back to the theme of confidence and insecurities. Basically it's the fact that she's always trying to so hard to be something "better". She had this drive to prove to me that she was better in every way than any girl I'd ever dated in the past. It'd drive her crazy. Is she better looking? Better cook? Sexier? Better in bed? Conversationalist? And on and on. She'd obsess that every little thing she did I was comparing to some girl in my past and measuring her to that standard.

I can understand why it'd get frustrating. My message: this isn't some race. You're not on some metaphorical race-track trying to outrun every woman in my past to prove you're #1. You've already won. Stop running. Just be you, and be happy. That's a lot more enjoyable for both of us.

Easy to say. Harder to live by. But she's trying.
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Old 04-09-2007, 12:11 AM   #9
Predicament
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And this reply is more aimed at rkz...

She hit me with an interesting snippet this weekend. Basically, one thing I believe is that in the wrong situation anyone can cheat. Everything in life is a chain of events which you can control at any point. Imagine...
- A non-cheating husband hires a super-hot secretary
- His marriage hits a rough spot and he decides to ignore the problem
- He starts innocently confiding in his secretary, nothing too serious
- Secretary start showing him attention and he doesn't stop the behavior
- Months later at an out-of-town conference they get a drink at the bar
- They both drink too much, decide to take a trip to the hot-tub...

And bam, next thing you know somebody who thought he'd never cheat is suddenly shagging his secretary. The key is to recognize what path you are on, and to choose if you want to accept the consequences. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're trying to say "no" as you're walking to the hot-tub with a young hottie while you're in a drunken stupor. Stop it earlier.

Well, my SO hit me with an interesting perspective. She takes it a step further. Basically, if you stop every situation where it could even lead to an eventual attraction, then you don't have to worry about fidelity since there's never an opportunity to break it.

Interesting perspective. I don't particularly agree with it because then you get into a sticky situation where one partner eventually feels chained in by the exhaustive rules of the other person, until they finally resent them.

The basic reply is that relationships are built on TRUST. Everyone has heard that saying before. I don't recall anyone ever saying relationships are built on RULES.

While you *can* build an elaborate system of rules for behavior intended to keep the other person in line, I'd argue that RULES should be personal rules enforced by each individual, and that each person should TRUST the other to operate within their own rules.

One example is that the husband may not be comfortable taking a female co-worker out for a round of golf, but the wife may have no compunctions taking out a male co-worker for an occasional round of tennis.

The husband may be uncomfortable by his wife's decision, but it's his responsibility to trust HER rules, and not to try to enforce his own rules. Again, this goes back to accepting the consequences of your decisions. If you continually enforce rules on your partner, how many rules can they bear until you're viewed as oppressive?
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Old 04-04-2007, 04:41 PM   #10
freshnesschronic
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So back on topic.......
Basically man, you can't change people or their behaivor but you already know that. You can tell them how it makes you feel, but it's ultimately up to them to take control of their part of the relationship. Feel me?
Love isn't enough, sometimes. It's true. There are sometimes more complicating factors that don't allow love to overcome everytime. Sorry boys and girls.
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Old 04-04-2007, 05:17 PM   #11
TheMercenary
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"Baggage", exactly. A common term in my house. Everyone has it. The question is how much can you live with and how much of the other persons baggage are you going to be expected to carry. There is definitely a point of diminishing returns.
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Old 04-06-2007, 03:43 PM   #12
rkzenrage
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Attractive, based on your idea and ideal and something you are basing on a social construct and competition with the world and those around you are two, incredibly, different things.
Please, see my post on what I see as attractive and why.

Jealousy is not insecurity, it is a lack of trust.
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Old 04-06-2007, 04:19 PM   #13
Hime
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkzenrage View Post
Attractive, based on your idea and ideal and something you are basing on a social construct and competition with the world and those around you are two, incredibly, different things.
Please, see my post on what I see as attractive and why.

Jealousy is not insecurity, it is a lack of trust.
Wow, way to read everything I post as a personal attack on you.

I don't agree with your views about attractiveness. I don't think that a person should pursue a relationship with someone he views as "dowdy," because no one should have to be in a relationship with someone who thinks something like that about them. To me, that's like settling -- saying that someone isn't perfect, but they're good enough and you can't expect better. I know people who believe that they have to settle to be in a relationship, and they aren't healthy people -- they are too unhappy with themselves to accept being alone even for a little while. It is simply more healthy to be willing to wait for someone who excites you.

Maybe you, personally, are excited by the more low-maintenance type who don't work out or wear a lot of makeup or anything. That's fine. Personally, I prefer girls who have a strong personal style and put some effort into it. To me, that is just a difference of taste, not a difference between whether someone is "beautiful" or not. Both types can be beautiful.

And jealousy does not necessarily mean a lack of trust. You can be jealous that your SO finds someone else attractive without actually believing that they would cheat on you.
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Old 04-06-2007, 04:22 PM   #14
rkzenrage
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LOL, you sure read a lot into posts and make it into things on your own. I never stated anything personal or made any specific remarks that you could interpret to mean that in any way.
If you don't think they will cheat, there is no reason to be jealous.
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Old 04-06-2007, 09:31 PM   #15
Hime
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Originally Posted by rkzenrage View Post
LOL, you sure read a lot into posts and make it into things on your own. I never stated anything personal or made any specific remarks that you could interpret to mean that in any way.
If you don't think they will cheat, there is no reason to be jealous.
Sure you can. You can think that the person is more attractive than you, or just think that your SO is spending time thinking about that person when you would rather they were thinking about you.
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