Death/Funeral Etiquette Advice, please - Page 3

casimendocina · 06-19-2010, 06:40 AM

I'm not sure about funeral etiquette in the US either and prior to reading this thread, I hadn't thought about the associated issues, but certainly whenever either I've had a family member pass away or a friend has, the presence of friends (no matter how close or otherwise they were before the funeral) at whatever part of the proceedings has always been really appreciated. I think it makes the person who has lost someone feel that it's ok to be upfront about the death, rather than pretending that they have to be stoic and everything is ok.

Aliantha · 06-19-2010, 07:20 AM

I don't think I'd take my boys to a friend's parent's funeral. The main reason being that I think as kids they just don't need to be exposed to that level of grief.

I think if it were a close friend of either of my boys, I'd maybe suggest picking him up after the funeral and bringing him home to hang out or something. One, because maybe it would help the child, and two because it might help the remaining parent in a way. Not saying to offer would be accepted, but it's probably something I'd do.

It's a hard thing, but I personally just don't think kids need to go to funerals.

monster · 06-19-2010, 09:47 AM

Thanks we're going. Borrowed hector's dark concert pants and found a black t-shirt. I gave him the option of trying to find some navy cargo shorts, but he likes the pants.

Now, on arrival, what to we expect? is there a reception line or something? I don't know that we'll make the visitation. Or will we just slip into a back row and meet the relatives after? I'm off to get dressed, I'll be back for your answers in a few minutes, thanks

Have decided to take his DS to play on the way there and back, knowing that he can get to his DS after something often helps him concentrate.

Shawnee123 · 06-19-2010, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

Thanks we're going. Borrowed hector's dark concert pants and found a black t-shirt. I gave him the option of trying to find some navy cargo shorts, but he likes the pants.

Now, on arrival, what to we expect? is there a reception line or something? I don't know that we'll make the visitation. Or will we just slip into a back row and meet the relatives after? I'm off to get dressed, I'll be back for your answers in a few minutes, thanks

Have decided to take his DS to play on the way there and back, knowing that he can get to his DS after something often helps him concentrate.

If you're going straight to the funeral, you will probably be greeted and seated. Afterwards, people go to their cars to head to the cemetary. Not everyone goes to the cemetary. After that there is typically a church or a home where everyone meets and eats and talks. After all the agony leading up to the death, and the stress of the funeral...I find it is usually an uplifting thing. People will talk about good things they remember, have a laugh or two.

Play it by ear...just being there is all you really need to do.

glatt · 06-19-2010, 10:05 AM

There will be a reception line at some point. I've mostly seen them at the lunch after the service and at the viewings before the service.

monster · 06-19-2010, 09:49 AM

thanks glatt, I think he'll be fine, I just needed help with the decision of the right thing to do becasue of course we'd rather be at the pool.

jinx · 06-19-2010, 09:53 AM

Yeah, I think you'll both feel better having gone.
My kids have both been to several, and they have always handled them just fine. I mean, no one goes for the fun, but it's the right thing to do.

monster · 06-19-2010, 10:17 AM

So we should go to the lunch? Seems intrusive but that may be more where Thor gets a chance to be with Fred.

glatt · 06-19-2010, 10:23 AM

If it were me, I'd go to the lunch if it was in some sort of church hall or something, and wouldn't go if it was in a private residence. They are actually kind of fun after the serious business of the service. You'll know other parents there, right?

SteveDallas · 06-19-2010, 12:48 PM

I agree, go to the lunch and give Thor and Fred a chance to hang out.

monster · 06-19-2010, 03:16 PM

We're back. We did the whole thing but didn't stay too long at the lunch. No I didn't really know anyone except Fred's mom and his dad's partner who I met once and who was weeping a lot and surrounded by her relatives. But Thor made the decision to go to all the parts to be there for his friend. Who could've cared less, to be honest. I think it's really too early for it to have sunk in for him yet, and it's been coming for more than two years, plus he's an only kid and loves to be the center of attention. but maybe, later, when he needs a friend to tal k to, it will help that Thor was there. A couple of other kids were at the service, but not the burial or lunch. Kids just wore regular clothes -Fred was in a comic strip t-shirt and shorts. Not all adults wore black but most did.

Yes, it was open casket at the visitation beforehand, but not during the funeral. Which was 90 minutes long and included a full communion. Then we joined the processin to the cemetary, during which I got a nosebleed -and I was driving the stick-shift car -plus being a funeral procession, we blew through all the red lights, so no stopping opportunity to grab more kleenex...

Cemetary was brief, Fred's dad's partner was pretty emotional, Fred's mom was somewhat inappropriately dressed in a mini cocktail dress with ladders in the tights. I guess it was hard for there being there on the row behind Fred who was being cuddled by his dad's partner and her family.

And it was hot. Hoping to go to the pool in a mo, but apparently the power is out and likely to stay that way until Monday. I hear we may have found a generator.

Clodfobble · 06-19-2010, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

I guess it was hard for there being there on the row behind Fred who was being cuddled by his dad's partner and her family.

Ooh, that is awkward. On the other hand, I suspect the dad's girlfriend will basically never see him again after this point.

monster · 06-19-2010, 07:22 PM

I think he was the custodial parent, but they both lived in the same cohousing project as far as I can tell. the girlfriend was certainly as in charge as the mom at the last birthday party.

monster · 06-19-2010, 07:39 PM

Um, so now we went, do we still send a card?

casimendocina · 06-19-2010, 07:50 PM

If you attended the funeral, probably no need to send a card.

06-19-2010, 07:20 AM	#2
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I don't think I'd take my boys to a friend's parent's funeral. The main reason being that I think as kids they just don't need to be exposed to that level of grief. I think if it were a close friend of either of my boys, I'd maybe suggest picking him up after the funeral and bringing him home to hang out or something. One, because maybe it would help the child, and two because it might help the remaining parent in a way. Not saying to offer would be accepted, but it's probably something I'd do. It's a hard thing, but I personally just don't think kids need to go to funerals. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

06-19-2010, 09:47 AM	#3
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Thanks we're going. Borrowed hector's dark concert pants and found a black t-shirt. I gave him the option of trying to find some navy cargo shorts, but he likes the pants. Now, on arrival, what to we expect? is there a reception line or something? I don't know that we'll make the visitation. Or will we just slip into a back row and meet the relatives after? I'm off to get dressed, I'll be back for your answers in a few minutes, thanks Have decided to take his DS to play on the way there and back, knowing that he can get to his DS after something often helps him concentrate. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-19-2010, 09:49 AM	#6
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	thanks glatt, I think he'll be fine, I just needed help with the decision of the right thing to do becasue of course we'd rather be at the pool. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-19-2010, 09:53 AM	#7
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	Yeah, I think you'll both feel better having gone. My kids have both been to several, and they have always handled them just fine. I mean, no one goes for the fun, but it's the right thing to do. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

06-19-2010, 10:17 AM	#8
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	So we should go to the lunch? Seems intrusive but that may be more where Thor gets a chance to be with Fred. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-19-2010, 06:40 AM	#1
casimendocina Professor Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 1,622	I'm not sure about funeral etiquette in the US either and prior to reading this thread, I hadn't thought about the associated issues, but certainly whenever either I've had a family member pass away or a friend has, the presence of friends (no matter how close or otherwise they were before the funeral) at whatever part of the proceedings has always been really appreciated. I think it makes the person who has lost someone feel that it's ok to be upfront about the death, rather than pretending that they have to be stoic and everything is ok.

06-19-2010, 10:05 AM	#5
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	There will be a reception line at some point. I've mostly seen them at the lunch after the service and at the viewings before the service.

06-19-2010, 10:23 AM	#9
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	If it were me, I'd go to the lunch if it was in some sort of church hall or something, and wouldn't go if it was in a private residence. They are actually kind of fun after the serious business of the service. You'll know other parents there, right?

06-19-2010, 12:48 PM	#10
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	I agree, go to the lunch and give Thor and Fred a chance to hang out.

06-19-2010, 03:16 PM	#11
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	We're back. We did the whole thing but didn't stay too long at the lunch. No I didn't really know anyone except Fred's mom and his dad's partner who I met once and who was weeping a lot and surrounded by her relatives. But Thor made the decision to go to all the parts to be there for his friend. Who could've cared less, to be honest. I think it's really too early for it to have sunk in for him yet, and it's been coming for more than two years, plus he's an only kid and loves to be the center of attention. but maybe, later, when he needs a friend to tal k to, it will help that Thor was there. A couple of other kids were at the service, but not the burial or lunch. Kids just wore regular clothes -Fred was in a comic strip t-shirt and shorts. Not all adults wore black but most did. Yes, it was open casket at the visitation beforehand, but not during the funeral. Which was 90 minutes long and included a full communion. Then we joined the processin to the cemetary, during which I got a nosebleed -and I was driving the stick-shift car -plus being a funeral procession, we blew through all the red lights, so no stopping opportunity to grab more kleenex... Cemetary was brief, Fred's dad's partner was pretty emotional, Fred's mom was somewhat inappropriately dressed in a mini cocktail dress with ladders in the tights. I guess it was hard for there being there on the row behind Fred who was being cuddled by his dad's partner and her family. And it was hot. Hoping to go to the pool in a mo, but apparently the power is out and likely to stay that way until Monday. I hear we may have found a generator. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-19-2010, 07:22 PM	#13
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I think he was the custodial parent, but they both lived in the same cohousing project as far as I can tell. the girlfriend was certainly as in charge as the mom at the last birthday party. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-19-2010, 07:39 PM	#14
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Um, so now we went, do we still send a card? __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-19-2010, 07:50 PM	#15
casimendocina Professor Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 1,622	If you attended the funeral, probably no need to send a card.

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