Catwoman's Important and Consequential Personal Drama (don't read if easily bored) - Page 3

Beestie · 05-05-2005, 11:15 AM

It just seems to me that you are staying with him because you are afraid of not being with him. Paradoxically, you won't be able to figure out how to survive without it until you can learn to survive without it. "It" being whatever it is that he is unwittingly providing to you in this relationship.

At this point, he just wants out but doesn't want a sticky mess on his hands. Honestly, you would be doing both of you a favor by doing the dirty work yourself - its an act of courage but you need to keep a stiff upper lip and make a decision not to put your emotional fate in the hands of someone who hasn't put his emotional destiny in yours. Set yourself free. If you don't do it now, he's gonna fall for someone that rings his bell and he'll do it for you. Better for you to what needs to be done before its done unto you. Trust me on that.

But, all the clinical bullshit aside, just be good to yourself and gear up for the difficult task ahead. One thing that might help to think about is that the rest of your life is NOT going to suck. When in love, it seems like the other person has the keys to your happiness. They don't and the feeling that they do will pass eventually.

Next time you pass by a bookstore, have a look at this book as well as other writings by Leo Buscaglia.

wolf · 05-05-2005, 11:27 AM

NO. DON'T DO IT CAT!!! NO, NO BUSCAGLIA!!!! Oh the humanity!!

Undertoad · 05-05-2005, 11:28 AM

I don't think you're in the same place, necessarily. It all depends on how emotional one is, how social one is, how dependent one is on affection, that sort of thing. So maybe both of you are fulfilling some of your needs in the situation, but your needs are different than his in type and amount.

Beestie · 05-05-2005, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf

NO. DON'T DO IT CAT!!! NO, NO BUSCAGLIA!!!! Oh the humanity!!

I read it about 20 years ago. Its not that bad and something about Cat's post reminded me of it. I seem to remember that it had a lot of good things to say about the expectations people go into relationships with. I wasn't all that crazy about the "hug everyone in sight" parts but I did manage to get something out of it when I was in a similar situation.

What could go wrong? Its not like I traded my wing tips for Birkenstocks after reading it. Besides, a lot of people did stuff in the 80s they wouldn't do again

LCanal · 05-05-2005, 10:28 PM

This is my take ,but relationships are by nature personal as are individual’s feeling so you are the only one who can solve your dilemma.
It’s spring when everyone’s heart turns to love, the future, happy sun filled days etc.. Which in part explains your quandary.

A guy’s perspective.

I have many friends in a beachside community and they are happy “single” and just like to swim, golf, ride m/bikes, read, relax etc.. I guess in a way they’ve dropped out and don’t want a regular job with all the restrictions on one’s time that they entails. If they want female companionship they go and find it, if they don’t ….

CW. You want a steady guy but no necessarily exclusively as described. Yes?
HE: Wants essentially the same but not necessarily the extended “sleep-overs” relationship thing.

You are obviously not happy with the status quo otherwise you wouldn’t have asked.

You don’t need ANYTHING else from him? Are you happy being alone?

From my experience it all starts out Ok but gradually women want more than they claim. Women are always trying to make the “relationship” work whereas guys are just happy being intimate pals. Some guys just don’t want to be responsible for others. Maybe they’ve done that before. Some guys are not “relationship” types. Oh they might settle down etc., because that’s what society, family, friend expect but they are not absolutely happy.

I don’t believe in this there’s someone for everyone romantic BS. I believe there are lots of people for everyone and in the ability to love more than one person. I’m not a stud by any means but I’ve had quite a few sexual partners. Every one has a special place in my heart, even if it was a quid pro quo relationship, some more special than others admittedly.

If he spends more time with you than with “others” and you spend more time with him. If he phones you frequently just to say hi, etc.. If you can phone him just to say Hi, without any other “agenda. Then it’s probably already working for him.”

Sounds like it’s you that has to do all “ the work” so it’s not working for you. If so there are three solutions. Accept the part of him he’s willing to give, use this relationship as a stable base to explore others or get out cold turkey. I would suggest for self-esteem, confidence, and peace of mind the second alternative.

It’s spring Happy Hunting.

PS shoulder always available

staceyv · 05-07-2005, 07:20 AM

so what's new? Did you give up? Update, please.

mrnoodle · 05-07-2005, 09:44 AM

at the moment i have a bad crush on my friend's sister. she's engaged. i love me some inaccessible women.

grumble.

Trilby · 05-07-2005, 10:02 AM

I love inaccessible men! Why are we so twisted? Is it that we really don't want a relationship? Or do we just truly like pain?

mrnoodle · 05-07-2005, 10:40 AM

both, undoubtedly. All the flutteries of crushdom, none of the responsibilities. Plus you get to roll in misery for a few days. Very tortured artist. Most of my shirts are black, too.

limey · 05-08-2005, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catwoman

He is. But I'm not the one for him. That's really hard to accept.

If you're not the one for him, then he's not the one for you, however much you'd like to think otherwise. Finding the perfect fit means that you must both agree that it is the perfect fit.

Catwoman · 05-09-2005, 07:46 AM

While those ominous words 'we need to talk' were never explicitly uttered, we had a much needed series of conversations this weekend. They began and ended fluidly over two days, and I think we've hit a resolution.

He was feeling pressured. He felt the relationship had entered the typical '2-year' stage: woman wanting more, man not knowing what's supposed to have changed. He was happy, but woman's recent emotional instability, combined with what he perceived as clingy jealousy, led to feelings of entrapment and loss of freedom. He wanted to feel free to chat up other girls without woman crying every time, and insisted he doesn't want a full-on relationship.

I don't know why I've put that in the third person.

So, I absorbed the above points with some difficulty but managed to fight through my emotional resistance/denial and accept it. He doesn't want a relationship.

As I expected, as soon as I actually accepted it, it changed. Well, not entirely, it's still true, but my feelings changed and enabled me to see a lot more clearly.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to write this down.

Well, the truth is I don't want a typical 'relationship' either. We both see freedom in our futures, not a life trapped by committments or 'should and shouldn't's' (have you ever seen that many apostrophes at once?). Learning about life is much too important to both of us to restrict it by imposing rules upon ourselves. Yes, that all sounds very hippy and unreal but this is actually true for us.

What I mean is, we can both feel free to live every moment with no restrictions. If I meet an enchanting stranger, I can enter his/her world with no guilt, until the magic ends. If I see an opportunity, and want to move away, or fly to Mongolia, I can. If he finds himself in a similar situation, I will hold no ties, he can feel free to do whatever he likes with his life.

If it happens that doing whatever we like means being with each other, all the better. If not, oh well. I can accept it, and with that acceptance comes a huge range of possibilities that never seemed quite so possible.

Once I had realised this, he felt free to open up about his feelings without giving me false hope of a more secure relationship.

Having established our feelings for each other are more or less the same, I felt a huge burden lifted - I could now concentrate on any real problems, not an endless spiral of 'he loves me, he loves me not'.

So I realised, while I've been complaining and crying, I've been having the kind of relationship I've always dreamed of. Right now.

And it is what it is. I won't hyperbolise. It's not fountains and fairytales, it's just real. And I'm happy in a way I think will last, whether he does or not. I feel like I've realised something more important than this relationship, that things are what they are, and that I'm incredibly lucky in being able to see it.

Catwoman · 05-09-2005, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beestie

Set yourself free. If you don't do it now, he's gonna fall for someone that rings his bell and he'll do it for you.

Just to add to the post above, if he did 'leave' for someone else, I would still be devastated. The feelings are still there, the only difference is I can accept what's now. I'm not trying to protect myself from the future by 'securing' him in the net of a relationship. I would never stand between him and someone else, if that's what he wants to do. I'll let 'now' happen and if it's meant to be, it will be!

Catwoman · 05-09-2005, 07:53 AM

Of course this is subject to change and may not be the enlightened clarity it sounds. Watch this space this time next year; I for one will be interested to see how this stands the test of time and turmoil....

Undertoad · 05-09-2005, 08:08 AM

How lucky you must be to feel unobstructed by any desire for a deeper, closer, more supportive, more loving and more personally and emotionally fulfilling relationship, so that you are free to learn about life.

please read the above absolutely deadpan for maximum effect

Catwoman · 05-09-2005, 08:18 AM

That may or may not come, but if it does, it will come on its own, and my desire for it or lack thereof will have no impact whatsoever.

05-05-2005, 11:15 AM	#31
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	It just seems to me that you are staying with him because you are afraid of not being with him. Paradoxically, you won't be able to figure out how to survive without it until you can learn to survive without it. "It" being whatever it is that he is unwittingly providing to you in this relationship. At this point, he just wants out but doesn't want a sticky mess on his hands. Honestly, you would be doing both of you a favor by doing the dirty work yourself - its an act of courage but you need to keep a stiff upper lip and make a decision not to put your emotional fate in the hands of someone who hasn't put his emotional destiny in yours. Set yourself free. If you don't do it now, he's gonna fall for someone that rings his bell and he'll do it for you. Better for you to what needs to be done before its done unto you. Trust me on that. But, all the clinical bullshit aside, just be good to yourself and gear up for the difficult task ahead. One thing that might help to think about is that the rest of your life is NOT going to suck. When in love, it seems like the other person has the keys to your happiness. They don't and the feeling that they do will pass eventually. Next time you pass by a bookstore, have a look at this book as well as other writings by Leo Buscaglia. __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

05-05-2005, 11:27 AM	#32
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	NO. DON'T DO IT CAT!!! NO, NO BUSCAGLIA!!!! Oh the humanity!! __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

05-05-2005, 10:28 PM	#35
LCanal I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Sumatra Posts: 257	This is my take ,but relationships are by nature personal as are individual’s feeling so you are the only one who can solve your dilemma. It’s spring when everyone’s heart turns to love, the future, happy sun filled days etc.. Which in part explains your quandary. A guy’s perspective. I have many friends in a beachside community and they are happy “single” and just like to swim, golf, ride m/bikes, read, relax etc.. I guess in a way they’ve dropped out and don’t want a regular job with all the restrictions on one’s time that they entails. If they want female companionship they go and find it, if they don’t …. CW. You want a steady guy but no necessarily exclusively as described. Yes? HE: Wants essentially the same but not necessarily the extended “sleep-overs” relationship thing. You are obviously not happy with the status quo otherwise you wouldn’t have asked. You don’t need ANYTHING else from him? Are you happy being alone? From my experience it all starts out Ok but gradually women want more than they claim. Women are always trying to make the “relationship” work whereas guys are just happy being intimate pals. Some guys just don’t want to be responsible for others. Maybe they’ve done that before. Some guys are not “relationship” types. Oh they might settle down etc., because that’s what society, family, friend expect but they are not absolutely happy. I don’t believe in this there’s someone for everyone romantic BS. I believe there are lots of people for everyone and in the ability to love more than one person. I’m not a stud by any means but I’ve had quite a few sexual partners. Every one has a special place in my heart, even if it was a quid pro quo relationship, some more special than others admittedly. If he spends more time with you than with “others” and you spend more time with him. If he phones you frequently just to say hi, etc.. If you can phone him just to say Hi, without any other “agenda. Then it’s probably already working for him.” Sounds like it’s you that has to do all “ the work” so it’s not working for you. If so there are three solutions. Accept the part of him he’s willing to give, use this relationship as a stable base to explore others or get out cold turkey. I would suggest for self-esteem, confidence, and peace of mind the second alternative. It’s spring Happy Hunting. PS shoulder always available __________________ "Happiness is like sex. In order to get any good out of it, you have to give it to someone else."

05-07-2005, 09:44 AM	#37
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	at the moment i have a bad crush on my friend's sister. she's engaged. i love me some inaccessible women. grumble. __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

05-07-2005, 10:02 AM	#38
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	I love inaccessible men! Why are we so twisted? Is it that we really don't want a relationship? Or do we just truly like pain? __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

05-05-2005, 11:28 AM	#33
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	I don't think you're in the same place, necessarily. It all depends on how emotional one is, how social one is, how dependent one is on affection, that sort of thing. So maybe both of you are fulfilling some of your needs in the situation, but your needs are different than his in type and amount.

05-07-2005, 07:20 AM	#36
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	so what's new? Did you give up? Update, please.

05-07-2005, 10:40 AM	#39
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	both, undoubtedly. All the flutteries of crushdom, none of the responsibilities. Plus you get to roll in misery for a few days. Very tortured artist. Most of my shirts are black, too. __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

05-09-2005, 07:46 AM	#41
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	While those ominous words 'we need to talk' were never explicitly uttered, we had a much needed series of conversations this weekend. They began and ended fluidly over two days, and I think we've hit a resolution. He was feeling pressured. He felt the relationship had entered the typical '2-year' stage: woman wanting more, man not knowing what's supposed to have changed. He was happy, but woman's recent emotional instability, combined with what he perceived as clingy jealousy, led to feelings of entrapment and loss of freedom. He wanted to feel free to chat up other girls without woman crying every time, and insisted he doesn't want a full-on relationship. I don't know why I've put that in the third person. So, I absorbed the above points with some difficulty but managed to fight through my emotional resistance/denial and accept it. He doesn't want a relationship. As I expected, as soon as I actually accepted it, it changed. Well, not entirely, it's still true, but my feelings changed and enabled me to see a lot more clearly. I don't know if I'm going to be able to write this down. Well, the truth is I don't want a typical 'relationship' either. We both see freedom in our futures, not a life trapped by committments or 'should and shouldn't's' (have you ever seen that many apostrophes at once?). Learning about life is much too important to both of us to restrict it by imposing rules upon ourselves. Yes, that all sounds very hippy and unreal but this is actually true for us. What I mean is, we can both feel free to live every moment with no restrictions. If I meet an enchanting stranger, I can enter his/her world with no guilt, until the magic ends. If I see an opportunity, and want to move away, or fly to Mongolia, I can. If he finds himself in a similar situation, I will hold no ties, he can feel free to do whatever he likes with his life. If it happens that doing whatever we like means being with each other, all the better. If not, oh well. I can accept it, and with that acceptance comes a huge range of possibilities that never seemed quite so possible. Once I had realised this, he felt free to open up about his feelings without giving me false hope of a more secure relationship. Having established our feelings for each other are more or less the same, I felt a huge burden lifted - I could now concentrate on any real problems, not an endless spiral of 'he loves me, he loves me not'. So I realised, while I've been complaining and crying, I've been having the kind of relationship I've always dreamed of. Right now. And it is what it is. I won't hyperbolise. It's not fountains and fairytales, it's just real. And I'm happy in a way I think will last, whether he does or not. I feel like I've realised something more important than this relationship, that things are what they are, and that I'm incredibly lucky in being able to see it. __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

05-09-2005, 07:53 AM	#43
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	Of course this is subject to change and may not be the enlightened clarity it sounds. Watch this space this time next year; I for one will be interested to see how this stands the test of time and turmoil.... __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

05-09-2005, 08:08 AM	#44
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	How lucky you must be to feel unobstructed by any desire for a deeper, closer, more supportive, more loving and more personally and emotionally fulfilling relationship, so that you are free to learn about life. please read the above absolutely deadpan for maximum effect

05-09-2005, 08:18 AM	#45
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	That may or may not come, but if it does, it will come on its own, and my desire for it or lack thereof will have no impact whatsoever. __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

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