Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 30

Guyute · 03-27-2005, 08:33 PM

**Spanish Cuisine**

An American tourist visited a small town in Spain.

The residents had never seen an American before, so he was treated as an honoured guest at the hotel.

Dinning for the first night, he asked the waiter what he recommended for dinner.

He suggested the "cojones".

The tourist asked what they were and the waiter replied, "Those are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today."

He was shocked but agreed to try them after being assured it was a delicacy reserved only for special guests.

The tourist found them to be very tasty.

The next night he again ordered them for dinner.

The waiter complied but somewhat reluctantly.

The tourist again found them to be very tasty but asked the waiter why they were so much smaller than before.

The waiter said, "You see, Senor, sometimes it is the bull that wins!"
---------------------------------

**Texas Justice**

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.
-----------------------------------
**Divorce Court**

Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'
Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.'
'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.
Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'
------------------
**Dirty Mags**

Dirty Magazines

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

busterb · 04-05-2005, 06:41 PM

My test are back from the VA.

BigV · 04-05-2005, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by busterb

My test are back from the VA.

....yeah, but your profile location still says MS, not far bank of river jordan...

or was this post post dated?

busterb · 04-05-2005, 08:07 PM

From the VA, as in veterans hospital

wolf · 04-05-2005, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by busterb

My test are back from the VA.

That was fast. You had the labs drawn when, around 1972 or so?

I spent the last couple days with some folks who work in one up here ... they had some scary stories to tell that probably wouldn't surprise you at all. Just be careful your next trip over to make sure that they don't take your kidney you aren't using and let someone else have it ...

busterb · 04-05-2005, 08:12 PM

Wolf, Almost that bad. But it's better last few years. Your DR. has to find a few folks who fit the profile, as to who needs training. Today was to test the wig pickers.

Tonchi · 04-06-2005, 05:11 PM

Please forgive me if this one got posted already, but I tried to read all 31 pages of the thread last night and had to give up because my jaw kept falling on the keyboard -

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly a female Genie arose from the bottle and
with a smile said: "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I
don't need any common woman giving me anything", barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning; so just grant it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

Pie · 04-19-2005, 12:12 PM

Guess I lead a sheltered life.

Kitsune · 04-19-2005, 09:32 PM

No, this is one of those babies named by drug-addled parents (Icy 8...Special K...c'mon).

I think Elspode got it, as the infant is giving the "West Side" sign with his left hand.

mrnoodle · 04-22-2005, 02:39 PM

The Washington Post's Style Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.-Enjoy. Here are this year's winners

1. Intaxication - Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation - Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.) - The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy - Any misrepresentation about yourself, for the purpose of getting l*id.

5. Cashtration (n.) - The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti - Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte - To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis - Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis - A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon - It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.) - The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido - All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect - The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) - The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) - Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.) - The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature
18. Ignoranus - A person who's both stupid and an a-hole.

BigV · 04-22-2005, 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrnoodle

--snip--
7. Sarchasm The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Hipatitis - Terminal coolness.

And the pick of the literature
18. Ignoranus - A person who's both stupid and an a-hole.

Should be in the cellar FAQ for newbies.

Bravo! LMAO

busterb · 04-22-2005, 09:04 PM

Babys name. Can you picture when going for welfare. WHF you make me type al dis shit fo?

mrnoodle · 05-06-2005, 11:08 AM

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began:
"Red..........cherry,"
Yellow.........lemon,"
Green........lime,"
Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,

"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!!"

Chewbaccus · 05-06-2005, 03:13 PM

A married couple is going through a vicious divorce, the worst item of contention being their two children. Each wants full custody of both kids, each is a good parent, and each has a very good lawyer.

The lawyers spend a good half-hour, forty-five minutes going back and forth over the merits of their client when finally the judge just has enough. The judge goes "That's it. No more from the lawyers, they can't solve this thing. Right now, I want to hear from the parents. Sir, madam, I'll give you each five minutes. In that five minutes, I want to hear why you think you should have custody over your children."

The mother went first, and delivered the stereotypical mother's plea: They're my children, I carried them for nine months, I nursed them, I raised them, I taught them, et cetera and et al. However, she says it with enough emotion that all in the room are touched, including the judge. The judge thanks the mother, bids her sit back down, then asks the father to begin his statement.

The father stands up, looks at the table for a moment, then goes "Your Honor...if I put a dollar in a Coke machine and the Coke comes out, who keeps it: me or the machine?"

plthijinx · 05-09-2005, 06:41 PM

HARD-DISK Woman
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

EXCEL Woman
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman
She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

INTERNET Woman
Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!!

SERVER Woman
Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman
She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman
She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!!

E-MAIL Woman
Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

VIRUS Woman
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

03-27-2005, 08:33 PM	#1
Guyute Gamehenge Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Halifax, NS Posts: 168	Spanish Cuisine An American tourist visited a small town in Spain. The residents had never seen an American before, so he was treated as an honoured guest at the hotel. Dinning for the first night, he asked the waiter what he recommended for dinner. He suggested the "cojones". The tourist asked what they were and the waiter replied, "Those are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today." He was shocked but agreed to try them after being assured it was a delicacy reserved only for special guests. The tourist found them to be very tasty. The next night he again ordered them for dinner. The waiter complied but somewhat reluctantly. The tourist again found them to be very tasty but asked the waiter why they were so much smaller than before. The waiter said, "You see, Senor, sometimes it is the bull that wins!" --------------------------------- Texas Justice A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule." The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?." The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck. ----------------------------------- Divorce Court Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court. The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?' Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.' 'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires. Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.' ------------------ Dirty Mags Dirty Magazines One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him." __________________ It's Really Plain and Easy To See, The Family grows like fungus on a tree.

04-05-2005, 06:41 PM	#2
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Test My test are back from the VA. Attached Images __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

04-05-2005, 08:07 PM	#4
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	From the VA, as in veterans hospital __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch. Last edited by busterb; 04-05-2005 at 08:08 PM. Reason: Add

04-05-2005, 08:12 PM	#6
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Wolf, Almost that bad. But it's better last few years. Your DR. has to find a few folks who fit the profile, as to who needs training. Today was to test the wig pickers. __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch. Last edited by busterb; 04-05-2005 at 08:14 PM. Reason: Add

04-06-2005, 05:11 PM	#7
Tonchi Victim of gravity Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Hiding in plain sight Posts: 1,412	Please forgive me if this one got posted already, but I tried to read all 31 pages of the thread last night and had to give up because my jaw kept falling on the keyboard - While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly a female Genie arose from the bottle and with a smile said: "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything", barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning; so just grant it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good. __________________ Everything you've ever heard about Fresno is true.

04-19-2005, 12:12 PM	#8
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	Guess I lead a sheltered life. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

04-19-2005, 09:32 PM	#9
Kitsune still eats dirt Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Tampa, FL Posts: 3,031	No, this is one of those babies named by drug-addled parents (Icy 8...Special K...c'mon). I think Elspode got it, as the infant is giving the "West Side" sign with his left hand.

04-22-2005, 02:39 PM	#10
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	The Washington Post's Style Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.-Enjoy. Here are this year's winners 1. Intaxication - Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2. Reintarnation - Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3. Bozone (n.) - The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4. Foreploy - Any misrepresentation about yourself, for the purpose of getting l*id. 5. Cashtration (n.) - The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 6. Giraffiti - Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 7. Sarchasm The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 8. Inoculatte - To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 9. Hipatitis - Terminal coolness. 10. Osteopornosis - A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon - It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n.) - The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido - All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler effect - The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) - The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.) - Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.) - The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature 18. Ignoranus - A person who's both stupid and an a-hole. __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

04-22-2005, 09:04 PM	#12
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Babys name. Can you picture when going for welfare. WHF you make me type al dis shit fo? __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch. Last edited by busterb; 04-22-2005 at 09:04 PM. Reason: Add

05-06-2005, 11:08 AM	#13
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began: "Red..........cherry," Yellow.........lemon," Green........lime," Orange........orange." Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!!" __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

05-06-2005, 03:13 PM	#14
Chewbaccus Freethinker/booter Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 523	A married couple is going through a vicious divorce, the worst item of contention being their two children. Each wants full custody of both kids, each is a good parent, and each has a very good lawyer. The lawyers spend a good half-hour, forty-five minutes going back and forth over the merits of their client when finally the judge just has enough. The judge goes "That's it. No more from the lawyers, they can't solve this thing. Right now, I want to hear from the parents. Sir, madam, I'll give you each five minutes. In that five minutes, I want to hear why you think you should have custody over your children." The mother went first, and delivered the stereotypical mother's plea: They're my children, I carried them for nine months, I nursed them, I raised them, I taught them, et cetera and et al. However, she says it with enough emotion that all in the room are touched, including the judge. The judge thanks the mother, bids her sit back down, then asks the father to begin his statement. The father stands up, looks at the table for a moment, then goes "Your Honor...if I put a dollar in a Coke machine and the Coke comes out, who keeps it: me or the machine?" __________________ Like the wise man said: Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

05-09-2005, 06:41 PM	#15
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	HARD-DISK Woman She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER! WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her. EXCEL Woman They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs. SCREENSAVER Woman She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun! INTERNET Woman Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!! SERVER Woman Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her. MULTIMEDIA Woman She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful. CD-ROM Woman She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!! E-MAIL Woman Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense. VIRUS Woman Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing. __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

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