Divorce - Page 4

Deuce · 08-02-2007, 05:06 PM

have called... let me count...

G & J -- appt tomorrow at 9 am $95
CL -- twice. no call back
SDS -- conflict, sorry.
JPJ -- talked for an hour. seemed competent, but lukewarm. agreed to call each other again this afternoon. I called as agreed, left vmail, 30 mins ago.
LS -- called, left message.

crap! phone just vibrated, thought it was call... nope. spam.

JH -- left message 8 hours ago. no call back.
DH -- called last night and again this morning, no call back.

very discouraged.

yesman065 · 08-02-2007, 05:09 PM

Hang in there buddy it sucks "buying" something you totally don't want, that is horribly overpriced. Just stay focused - I am praying for ya.

Deuce · 08-02-2007, 05:13 PM

Spoke with friend, recent divorce survivor. Learned some stuff, had some stuff I already knew reinforced, enjoyed a little stinkin solidarity. woot.

fuck. I need a plan.. I think I need some food. Have had a couple of pots of coffee. last meal was.bag of chips yesterday lunch. I am not hungry, but I know that's not exactly right. I should have a reasonable meal anyway, trusting brain over mis-signaling belly.

a lull now. gonna walk around a little (carrying phone and willing it to ring....)

later.

Deuce · 08-02-2007, 05:14 PM

thanks very much yman.

pm

Uisge Beatha · 08-02-2007, 05:25 PM

That's it, Deuce. You keep plugging away at it; the momentum is good to maintain right now. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. I know what you mean about your appetite; after a figurative punch in the gut you just don't feel like eating. Your brain is the one to trust here. Anything nutritious will be helpful, even if accompanied by a treat. In fact, be good to yourself and have something really tasty. It might even stimulate your appetite a bit.

DanaC · 08-02-2007, 05:34 PM

You will get through this Deuce. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing each of the little steps that get you to the other side of it. Brilliant reaction from your daughter, mate. Take heart from that.

Keep in mind you have this place to come and vent at any time.

yesman065 · 08-02-2007, 05:51 PM

Duece - call me back when you're done - don' bother to pm me. I'm here for ya, I'm not always online - two teen sons and all...Just call me when you want or need 24/7.

kerosene · 08-02-2007, 06:10 PM

The divorce process is sickening, at best. I have heard females sometimes use the "restraining order" as a strategy in a divorce. I think it is often recommended, even if there isn't a good reason for restraint, because it forces the man out of the house and into a defensive situation. Not saying that restraining orders are never the best thing for a situation, I have just heard of them being abused for this purpose. My husband's ex even once said "At least I didn't get a restraining order on you." I remember thinking "What reason would she have for that?" (I was there...there was no reason for her to feel threatened at all.) But it is sometimes used as a tactic to win custody battles.

Deuce, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, especially in midst of the emotional turmoil you are already dealing with.

A couple of things:

- Absolutely get a lawyer. Now. Keep calling until someone talks to you.
- Keep your head on straight. Sounds like you are doing that, but just keep it that way. Your wife may try to sweeten you up for something she wants, but keep in mind that she is going to try and get everything she can and she is, in fact ending the marriage. Getting a lawyer will help with this, too, if he/she is a good one. They should be sort of a buffer for you. Not like a therapist, but they handle the stinky stuff and should do their best to clean it up before they hand it over to you. If not, you need a better lawyer.
- Get as much time with your kids as you can and don't settle for anything less than being a fully involved parent, no matter what mediators or your wife say about it. Even if they are residing with their mom away from you, stay involved as much as you can. Go to events. Take them to school, pack their lunches...whatever it takes to show them you are still their father and that you have not abandoned them (or that their mother has not pushed you out of their lives.) You should be able to get the restraining order suspended or dropped, I would think which makes being involved a lot more possible.
- Don't ever demonize their mother to them. I doubt you would do this, but people divorcing do this, sometimes as an emotional reaction, but it is a serious issue for kids in divorces, I think and damages them for a long time. My step-kids still ask questions about the crap their mother fed them about Dad.

It seriously sucks, but divorce is like that. Take heart...it will get better, but it has to get a little worse, first.

I hope I haven't come across too harshly, but I truly wish you the best with this. You have made a lot of progress with the struggles you have had, lately, even if you don't feel like you've made progress. It is apparent in reading your posts. Don't let these new developments keep you from continuing to make progress. This is your next lesson and you will master it.

Cicero · 08-02-2007, 06:20 PM

Attorney's are like that....you think they aren't responsive but as soon as you give them a buck they up your butt and around the corner.....(that's actually a good thing when you need one)

One of my ex- fiance's had an ex- wife that got a restraining order claiming that he was "escalating".
I saw the police report. It was strangely devoid of any writing aside from the "escalation during an arguement" comment.
Holy crap- I escalate all the time. I'm probably even doing that right now....
Yep.....remember that one everyone....say "escalating".

yesman065 · 08-02-2007, 06:55 PM

Wow - you totally nailed it case - Unfortunately a woman needs NOTHING other than "I'm afraid of him" to get a restraining order. I had to deal with much of it. A year and a half later I have sole custody of all my kids and my house. Men can win, it can be, and usually is, very hard, but even moreso worth it. Great advice!

Aliantha · 08-02-2007, 06:57 PM

Do you have to pay for the initial consultation? That doesn't sound good. You'd think since you're deciding whether or not to hire them that you'd be the one deciding if they're worth paying or not.

Effectively that's what you're doing right? Hiring them to do a job for you.

Who's ever been paid for an interview?

Uisge Beatha · 08-02-2007, 07:08 PM

You're on the money there, Aliantha; it is akin to an interview. I know when my wife and I were splitting up, I was able to see a couple of different lawyers for one free consultation. Maybe we have a more competitive market for lawyers around here, though.

monster · 08-02-2007, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deuce

a lovely handwritten note on the top saying that she and the boy were going out of town this weekend so I could move out by saturday night, per the court order.

OK, so I'm one of the lucky ones not to have been through this, and thus may be a little slow on the uptake.

Does the order say that you have to move out, or just not be in her vicinity? Could you not use the time to change the locks, pack up her stuff and leave it at the end of the drive with a note saying "I will be out tonight so you can take this away without fear of forcing a violation of the restraining order?

You say you spoke to a friend who had been through it -did you ask him for a lawyer recommendation?

Aliantha · 08-02-2007, 07:13 PM

You're probably right there UB. Our society is nowhere near as litigious as yours.

xoxoxoBruce · 08-02-2007, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deuce

I have always had success in processing complex information by repeating it, by telling it, and you're all a captive audience. *Perfect*. Seriously, I also know that there are some of you that genuinely care. And that gets me crying again. I thank you, my friends. Thank you very much.

Yes listening... and seething along with you.

08-02-2007, 06:57 PM	#56
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Do you have to pay for the initial consultation? That doesn't sound good. You'd think since you're deciding whether or not to hire them that you'd be the one deciding if they're worth paying or not. Effectively that's what you're doing right? Hiring them to do a job for you. Who's ever been paid for an interview? __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

08-02-2007, 07:13 PM	#59
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	You're probably right there UB. Our society is nowhere near as litigious as yours. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

08-02-2007, 05:06 PM	#46
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	have called... let me count... G & J -- appt tomorrow at 9 am $95 CL -- twice. no call back SDS -- conflict, sorry. JPJ -- talked for an hour. seemed competent, but lukewarm. agreed to call each other again this afternoon. I called as agreed, left vmail, 30 mins ago. LS -- called, left message. crap! phone just vibrated, thought it was call... nope. spam. JH -- left message 8 hours ago. no call back. DH -- called last night and again this morning, no call back. very discouraged.

08-02-2007, 05:09 PM	#47
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Hang in there buddy it sucks "buying" something you totally don't want, that is horribly overpriced. Just stay focused - I am praying for ya.

08-02-2007, 05:13 PM	#48
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	Spoke with friend, recent divorce survivor. Learned some stuff, had some stuff I already knew reinforced, enjoyed a little stinkin solidarity. woot. fuck. I need a plan.. I think I need some food. Have had a couple of pots of coffee. last meal was.bag of chips yesterday lunch. I am not hungry, but I know that's not exactly right. I should have a reasonable meal anyway, trusting brain over mis-signaling belly. a lull now. gonna walk around a little (carrying phone and willing it to ring....) later.

08-02-2007, 05:14 PM	#49
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	thanks very much yman. pm

08-02-2007, 05:25 PM	#50
Uisge Beatha Lecturer Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 945	That's it, Deuce. You keep plugging away at it; the momentum is good to maintain right now. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. I know what you mean about your appetite; after a figurative punch in the gut you just don't feel like eating. Your brain is the one to trust here. Anything nutritious will be helpful, even if accompanied by a treat. In fact, be good to yourself and have something really tasty. It might even stimulate your appetite a bit.

08-02-2007, 05:34 PM	#51
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	You will get through this Deuce. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing each of the little steps that get you to the other side of it. Brilliant reaction from your daughter, mate. Take heart from that. Keep in mind you have this place to come and vent at any time.

08-02-2007, 05:51 PM	#52
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Duece - call me back when you're done - don' bother to pm me. I'm here for ya, I'm not always online - two teen sons and all...Just call me when you want or need 24/7.

08-02-2007, 06:10 PM	#53
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	The divorce process is sickening, at best. I have heard females sometimes use the "restraining order" as a strategy in a divorce. I think it is often recommended, even if there isn't a good reason for restraint, because it forces the man out of the house and into a defensive situation. Not saying that restraining orders are never the best thing for a situation, I have just heard of them being abused for this purpose. My husband's ex even once said "At least I didn't get a restraining order on you." I remember thinking "What reason would she have for that?" (I was there...there was no reason for her to feel threatened at all.) But it is sometimes used as a tactic to win custody battles. Deuce, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, especially in midst of the emotional turmoil you are already dealing with. A couple of things: - Absolutely get a lawyer. Now. Keep calling until someone talks to you. - Keep your head on straight. Sounds like you are doing that, but just keep it that way. Your wife may try to sweeten you up for something she wants, but keep in mind that she is going to try and get everything she can and she is, in fact ending the marriage. Getting a lawyer will help with this, too, if he/she is a good one. They should be sort of a buffer for you. Not like a therapist, but they handle the stinky stuff and should do their best to clean it up before they hand it over to you. If not, you need a better lawyer. - Get as much time with your kids as you can and don't settle for anything less than being a fully involved parent, no matter what mediators or your wife say about it. Even if they are residing with their mom away from you, stay involved as much as you can. Go to events. Take them to school, pack their lunches...whatever it takes to show them you are still their father and that you have not abandoned them (or that their mother has not pushed you out of their lives.) You should be able to get the restraining order suspended or dropped, I would think which makes being involved a lot more possible. - Don't ever demonize their mother to them. I doubt you would do this, but people divorcing do this, sometimes as an emotional reaction, but it is a serious issue for kids in divorces, I think and damages them for a long time. My step-kids still ask questions about the crap their mother fed them about Dad. It seriously sucks, but divorce is like that. Take heart...it will get better, but it has to get a little worse, first. I hope I haven't come across too harshly, but I truly wish you the best with this. You have made a lot of progress with the struggles you have had, lately, even if you don't feel like you've made progress. It is apparent in reading your posts. Don't let these new developments keep you from continuing to make progress. This is your next lesson and you will master it.

08-02-2007, 06:20 PM	#54
Cicero Looking forward to open mic night. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,148	Attorney's are like that....you think they aren't responsive but as soon as you give them a buck they up your butt and around the corner.....(that's actually a good thing when you need one) One of my ex- fiance's had an ex- wife that got a restraining order claiming that he was "escalating". I saw the police report. It was strangely devoid of any writing aside from the "escalation during an arguement" comment. Holy crap- I escalate all the time. I'm probably even doing that right now.... Yep.....remember that one everyone....say "escalating".

08-02-2007, 06:55 PM	#55
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Wow - you totally nailed it case - Unfortunately a woman needs NOTHING other than "I'm afraid of him" to get a restraining order. I had to deal with much of it. A year and a half later I have sole custody of all my kids and my house. Men can win, it can be, and usually is, very hard, but even moreso worth it. Great advice!

08-02-2007, 07:08 PM	#57
Uisge Beatha Lecturer Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 945	You're on the money there, Aliantha; it is akin to an interview. I know when my wife and I were splitting up, I was able to see a couple of different lawyers for one free consultation. Maybe we have a more competitive market for lawyers around here, though.

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