Adventures in Cooking

[wolf]

I don't get the opportunity to cook a lot, mostly related (this is my story and I'm sticking to it) to the fact that I work nights, and just don't have the time.

But I can make stuff much more complex than reservations for dinner.

So anyway, as you know, I'm on vacation.

A time of fun and low-stress activities.

For most people.

This is me remember ...

My boyfriend and I have been given a thoughtful gift of a turkey by one of his friends who ended up with an extra one.

And WHAT an extra. 21 pounder. Birdzilla.

I'm all ready to go. Decisions have been made regarding stuffing (cheating with Stove-Top to reduce the cooking time) and other side dishes (including couscous. I'm going all out here.)

Everything's ready to go. The beast is defrosted, sitting happily in the pan. I'm excited at the prospect of showing off my cooking prowess. I just hope I don't kill us with salmonella poisoning. Which now appears likely.

Put the oven on preheat. On schedule the little light clicked off and I hoisted the pan into the oven.

Closed the oven door and returned to the relative safety of the office to alllow the magic of heat and meat to happen.

Went back to check on it after about a half-hour, expecting to be greeted by the lovely smells of turkey beginning to roast, the crack and sizzle of drippings hitting the pan ...

This is how things would work for most people.

Not me. Not today.

What do I find instead?

A pink, fleshy, INSOLENT 21 pound turkey, which looks exactly like it did 1/2 hour ago.

It is mocking me.

The oven doesn't work. To clarify, the lower heating element is apparently an ornament, placed in the base of the oven by the manufacturer to provide aesthetic balance for the broiler element.

I'm trying to figure out Plan B at this point (which may involve bribing a neighbor with the promise of turkey if I can borrow their oven for four to five hours).

Does anybody know if Dominoes is delivering today?