Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 69

Shawnee123 · 08-18-2006, 12:02 PM

Clodfobble · 08-18-2006, 04:05 PM

It's a metaphor for Iraq, Shawnee.

xoxoxoBruce · 08-18-2006, 07:36 PM

You know, HM....angry just doesn't cut it for Bob....he's way past Dr Phil, more like Dr Wolf material.

Happy Monkey · 08-19-2006, 08:42 AM

He has his moments.

Though sometimes it's a bit too stream of consciousness...

capnhowdy · 08-19-2006, 07:46 PM

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly charging towards him. He began running as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him. Although his heart was pumping frantically, he tried to run even faster.

Then he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, he saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God . . ."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head, and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."

ferret88 · 08-21-2006, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

"...but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head, and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."

bra-FREAKIN'-vo!!!

BrianR · 09-15-2006, 07:31 PM

The Tomato Garden
>
>
> An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He
> wanted to dig his tomato
> garden but it was very hard work as the ground was
> hard. His only son,
> Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.
>
> The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
> his predicament.
>
> Dear Vincenzo,
> I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I
> won't be able to plant my
> tomato garden this year.
>
> I am getting too old to be digging up a garden
> plot.
>
> If you were here, my troubles would be over.
>
> I know you would dig the garden for me.
> Love, Papa
>
> A few days later he received a letter from his son.
>
>
> Dear Papa,
> I would help if I could but please do not dig up
> that garden.
> That's where I buried the bodies.
> Love, Vinnie
>
> At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police
> arrived with picks and
> shovels and dug up the entire area without finding
> any bodies. They apologized to
> the old man and left. That same day the old man
> received another letter from
> his son.
>
> Dear Papa,
> Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
>
> That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
>
> Love, Vinnie

Madman · 08-30-2006, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

.....perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head, and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."

OMG! LMAO! Soda tipped over....

xoxoxoBruce · 08-30-2006, 08:54 PM

Speaking of Bears...

skysidhe · 08-31-2006, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Speaking of Bears...

hehehe

Hippikos · 08-22-2006, 08:39 AM

Japanese Sauna

Iggy · 08-22-2006, 02:45 PM

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it, why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Crimson Ghost · 08-23-2006, 04:44 AM

When I asked her to the prom... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked her to dance... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked her to move in with me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked her to kiss me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked her to make love to me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked for her hand in marriage... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked her to bear my children... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

That's when I realized she was a Retard.

Hippikos · 08-23-2006, 04:59 AM

I HATE Callcentres

Shawnee123 · 08-30-2006, 08:56 AM

Important Notice
GREGOR SAMSA Is Not Eligible for SSI

We are writing about GREGOR SAMSA's claim for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) payments. Based on a review of his/her medical condition, he/she does not qualify for SSI payments on this claim. This is because he/she is not disabled or blind under our rules.

The Decision on GREGOR SAMSA's Case

You listed the following impairment(s) on your SSI application:

I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH

DEPRESSION

BACK PAIN

You said the above impairment(s) affected you in the following way(s):

I CANNOT STAND OR WALK UPRIGHT OR SPEAK ANY HUMAN LANGUAGE

I CANNOT HANDLE OR MANIPULATE OBJECTS WITH MY MANY LEGS OR ANTENNAE

WHEN I AM ON MY BACK I HAVE DIFFICULTY RIGHTING MYSELF

MY FAMILY HAS IMPRISONED ME IN MY ROOM AND IS FEEDING ME SCRAPS

The following report(s) were used to decide this claim:

You did not show up for your Consultative Exam. We scheduled an appointment with an examining physician at our expense. You were asked if you required a taxi or other arranged transportation to the exam.

We received no medical records related to your alleged condition(s) of I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH, DEPRESSION, BACK PAIN.

Doctors and other trained staff looked at this case and made this decision. They work for the state but used our rules. The following findings were made:

You are not engaged in any substantial gainful activity.

Your impairment causes more than minimal limitations.

Although your impairment(s) result in some problems for you, which are more than minimal, they do not equal any of the impairments listed in Table 2 of Appendix 1 to Subpart P of Chapter 20, Part 404 of Federal Regulations ("the Listings").

You are not able to perform your previous employment. You listed the following job(s) in your work history report:

TRAVELING SALESMAN

We have determined that your impairment prevents you from continuing in your previous employment, because you cannot handle or finger your sample cases, you cannot speak any human language, and your customers will be frightened by your monstrous clicking mandibles.

You are able to perform other work which exists in substantial numbers in the national economy. A vocational expert was consulted, and determined that your Residual Functioning Capacity (RFC) allows you to perform the following jobs:

STAPLING MACHINE OPERATOR

NUCLEAR WASTE MANAGEMENT

ENTERTAINER (foreign cinema, circus)

TAX PREPARER

If You Disagree With the Decision

If you disagree with this decision, you have the right to appeal. We will review your case and consider any new facts you have. You have to ask for an appeal in writing. We will ask you to sign a form SS-561-U2 called "Request for Reconsideration." If you cannot sign your name, you may mark the line with an X, but you must provide two witnesses willing to sign to your identity. If you cannot mark the line with an X, we will provide you with a special identity stamp. If you cannot handle or finger the identity stamp, we will ask you to come into our office and frantically paw at a ream of carbon triplicate paper, but you must provide two witnesses willing to sign to your identity.

If you do call or visit an office, please have this letter with you. It will help us answer your questions. You must have your Social Security card and a current picture ID to enter the building.

Sincerely,

Barnabas Klamm
Regional Commissioner

(Courtesy of McSweeneys.net and written by Alex St.-Andrews)

08-18-2006, 12:02 PM	#1
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	__________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

08-18-2006, 07:36 PM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	You know, HM....angry just doesn't cut it for Bob....he's way past Dr Phil, more like Dr Wolf material. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

08-19-2006, 08:42 AM	#4
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	He has his moments. Though sometimes it's a bit too stream of consciousness... __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

08-19-2006, 07:46 PM	#5
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly charging towards him. He began running as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him. Although his heart was pumping frantically, he tried to run even faster. Then he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, he saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God . . ." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head, and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen." __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

09-15-2006, 07:31 PM	#7
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	The Tomato (Tomahto?) Garden The Tomato Garden > > > An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He > wanted to dig his tomato > garden but it was very hard work as the ground was > hard. His only son, > Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. > > The old man wrote a letter to his son and described > his predicament. > > Dear Vincenzo, > I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I > won't be able to plant my > tomato garden this year. > > I am getting too old to be digging up a garden > plot. > > If you were here, my troubles would be over. > > I know you would dig the garden for me. > Love, Papa > > A few days later he received a letter from his son. > > > Dear Papa, > I would help if I could but please do not dig up > that garden. > That's where I buried the bodies. > Love, Vinnie > > At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police > arrived with picks and > shovels and dug up the entire area without finding > any bodies. They apologized to > the old man and left. That same day the old man > received another letter from > his son. > > Dear Papa, > Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. > > That's the best I could do under the circumstances. > > Love, Vinnie __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

08-18-2006, 04:05 PM	#2
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	It's a metaphor for Iraq, Shawnee.

08-30-2006, 08:54 PM	#9
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Speaking of Bears... __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. Last edited by xoxoxoBruce; 04-07-2007 at 05:50 PM.

08-22-2006, 08:39 AM	#11
Hippikos Flocci Non Facio Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: In The Line Of Fire Posts: 571	Japanese Sauna __________________ Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

08-22-2006, 02:45 PM	#12
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it, why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick." __________________ Chock-full of naughty goodness.

08-23-2006, 04:44 AM	#13
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	When I asked her to the prom... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to dance... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked for her hand in marriage... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to bear my children... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. That's when I realized she was a Retard. __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

08-23-2006, 04:59 AM	#14
Hippikos Flocci Non Facio Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: In The Line Of Fire Posts: 571	I HATE Callcentres __________________ Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

08-30-2006, 08:56 AM	#15
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Important Notice GREGOR SAMSA Is Not Eligible for SSI We are writing about GREGOR SAMSA's claim for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) payments. Based on a review of his/her medical condition, he/she does not qualify for SSI payments on this claim. This is because he/she is not disabled or blind under our rules. The Decision on GREGOR SAMSA's Case You listed the following impairment(s) on your SSI application: I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH DEPRESSION BACK PAIN You said the above impairment(s) affected you in the following way(s): I CANNOT STAND OR WALK UPRIGHT OR SPEAK ANY HUMAN LANGUAGE I CANNOT HANDLE OR MANIPULATE OBJECTS WITH MY MANY LEGS OR ANTENNAE WHEN I AM ON MY BACK I HAVE DIFFICULTY RIGHTING MYSELF MY FAMILY HAS IMPRISONED ME IN MY ROOM AND IS FEEDING ME SCRAPS The following report(s) were used to decide this claim: You did not show up for your Consultative Exam. We scheduled an appointment with an examining physician at our expense. You were asked if you required a taxi or other arranged transportation to the exam. We received no medical records related to your alleged condition(s) of I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH, DEPRESSION, BACK PAIN. Doctors and other trained staff looked at this case and made this decision. They work for the state but used our rules. The following findings were made: You are not engaged in any substantial gainful activity. Your impairment causes more than minimal limitations. Although your impairment(s) result in some problems for you, which are more than minimal, they do not equal any of the impairments listed in Table 2 of Appendix 1 to Subpart P of Chapter 20, Part 404 of Federal Regulations ("the Listings"). You are not able to perform your previous employment. You listed the following job(s) in your work history report: TRAVELING SALESMAN We have determined that your impairment prevents you from continuing in your previous employment, because you cannot handle or finger your sample cases, you cannot speak any human language, and your customers will be frightened by your monstrous clicking mandibles. You are able to perform other work which exists in substantial numbers in the national economy. A vocational expert was consulted, and determined that your Residual Functioning Capacity (RFC) allows you to perform the following jobs: STAPLING MACHINE OPERATOR NUCLEAR WASTE MANAGEMENT ENTERTAINER (foreign cinema, circus) TAX PREPARER If You Disagree With the Decision If you disagree with this decision, you have the right to appeal. We will review your case and consider any new facts you have. You have to ask for an appeal in writing. We will ask you to sign a form SS-561-U2 called "Request for Reconsideration." If you cannot sign your name, you may mark the line with an X, but you must provide two witnesses willing to sign to your identity. If you cannot mark the line with an X, we will provide you with a special identity stamp. If you cannot handle or finger the identity stamp, we will ask you to come into our office and frantically paw at a ream of carbon triplicate paper, but you must provide two witnesses willing to sign to your identity. If you do call or visit an office, please have this letter with you. It will help us answer your questions. You must have your Social Security card and a current picture ID to enter the building. Sincerely, Barnabas Klamm Regional Commissioner (Courtesy of McSweeneys.net and written by Alex St.-Andrews) __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

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