I'm Jim, and I'm a Compulsive Overeater

[Crimson Ghost]

I hope everything works out right for you and jinx.

[squirell nutkin]

Rich, have you tried eating whole, real foods in a conscious way rather than trying to "feel full fast" and eating fat free (artificial) dressing.

Your body is much smarter than you realize. I can't imagine "feeling full" is comfortable for you, it isn't for me. Feeling full and satisfied are two different things.

I just recently finished a 21 day "diet" if you will where I could eat as much as I wanted of any fresh fruits or veggies, olive oil, cooked veggies, and a half cup of brown rice or lentils a day. I felt full a lot and I felt hungry a lot, it took about a week for me to get in tune with what my body wanted and not what my mind felt it needed to have.

After the second week, I could add a few ounces of chicken per day. I quickly lost interest in junk foods and the few times I put refined food (even artisananl whole wheat bread) it tasted like cardboard, not like food.


At the end of the 21 days I learned to distinguish real food and nutrition from "filler"

Try eating as much raw fruit and veggies as you want for a week, skip anything that is processed or refined. See how you feel.

[Pooka]

The book Loving What Is, helped me learn to love myself

Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University helped Flint and me get on the same page financially discuss our money mistakes... air it out, design a game plan, pay off $20K, learn to be financial partners in this marriage and learn to live within our means.

And the HCG diet is helping me break my food issues...

I spent years in therapy and nothing has helped me the way these three things have. The secret is not in the specific plans I mention above, but in the support I had/ have during each.

My best friend gave me the book by Byron Katie, she had done the Work herself and I had the opportunity to watch her blossom while doing it, she was there to encourage me and help me see myself and situations I found myself in as they are… letting go of the story lines in my head that were the real source of my pain, anger, fear, frustration. Flint and I went through Dave Ramsey’s program together, you have support of other couples… you learn to live differently and have new goal and are supported by others who have been where you are and are headed in the same direction as you… to a debt free existence. 3 of my best friends are doing this diet with me… I don’t eat out … I can’t (which works just great for our budget). I bring my food with me in a little cooler everywhere I go. The most amazing thing is that I’m not only not hungry on this, I have no interest in food… I can cook it… I know it would taste good, but eating it doesn’t matter to me any more… holy crap what a change for me.

I guess what I’m saying is … it isn’t so important the road you take to where you want to be in life as much as the support you have on your journey.

[LJ]

Originally Posted by Pooka

The book Loving What Is, helped me learn to love myself


My best friend gave me the book by Byron Katie, she had done the Work herself and I had the opportunity to watch her blossom while doing it, she was there to encourage me and help me see myself and situations I found myself in as they are… letting go of the story lines in my head that were the real source of my pain, anger, fear, frustration.

a free pdf of the short version of this book

download the worksheets, etc

I'm just cracking this book, but will be giving it a real go. Her method seems sound, and I find myself grinning when I begin to see how it breaks up assumptions and investigates thoughts and 'stories' to determine their truth.

[squirell nutkin]

Originally Posted by LJ

Her method seems sound...

Willard: They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.
Kurtz: Are my methods unsound?
Willard: I don't see any method at all, sir.

[Elspode]

Well, do I ever feel like a shitheel. Not only was I not aware of this until this evening, I've been around here so little that no one passed it on to me until tonight.

As someone whose marriage is teetering on the brink, albeit for different reasons, just let me say that I feel for both of you. It's sort of like hearing the Homecoming King and Queen broke up or something.

I know that you two are both intelligent and articulate, and that you feel things deeply. These three things will help you as you sort out the issues and plan a future.

In the meantime, I think you're both very special, and will keep you in my thoughts.

[Shawnee123]

Amen, Miss Pooka.

[Griff]

Pretty intense stuff LJ. There is a ton of good advice here. I think putting Jinx in charge of the money is important, but it becomes your job not to resent that loss of control. Another idea for a higher power is your position as ancestor. How do you set your children up to live to their potential, so their children can be joyful and productive? The decisions you make now set their expectations. Addressing this issue honestly and openly will give them tools. You are brave enough to do this brother. Keep it simple. Good luck to you both.

[limey]

Originally Posted by Griff

Pretty intense stuff LJ. .... I think putting Jinx in charge of the money is important, but it becomes your job not to resent that loss of control. ...

This is tricky with the "man must earn and control the money" ethos that abounds everywhere, and probably particularly in your line of work, LJ.
Can you learn to feel proud of knowing your own weaknesses and your strengths as a couple and choosing the right way to use these to manage your money for the well-being of your family?

On another note, I eat too much, not compulsively, just too much snacking out of boredom and/or as a displacement activity. I'm inspired by you, LJ, to really try to get a grip on this now (not next week, or soon, or later, as I've kept telling myself for far too long) and now really think about what I'm eating and why. This means I feel hungry every day at some point, but that's not a bad thing at all. I could certainly use losing 28-42lb myself ...

[wolf]

I'll second Dave Ramsey ... his Total Money Makeover book and plan is excellent, and surprisingly simple to follow.

[lumberjim]

fixing my body is easy at this point. It comes under the heading: Things I can control.

Fixing my mind is slightly more challenging, but doable.

Fixing the damage I did to the trust in our marriage.... I can't really control that.

I have to learn to accept that fact, and just pray and trust that if I do handle the things I can control that, hopefully.... things will work out.

[jinx]

He knows how to diet. He knows how to manage money. He understands the consequences of not doing these things.

The problem isn't overeating, or overspending. The problems are dishonesty, sneakiness, the need to be getting away with something, the need to be destructive. This is what he needs help with. This is what I can't understand and don't want to be around anymore.

I find out something fucked up, somehow, not from him, and I confront him with it. He makes excuses, apologies, promises.... says anything he thinks I want to hear to make it go away. Doesn't mean any of it, just keeps on doing, until the next fucked up thing pops up. These things become a pattern of behavior on top of the actual issue of the moment - but that's on me. That makes me unforgiving.

He knows the things he does are wrong so he hides them from me. If I don't ask direct and specific questions, I'll never find out, and it's all good in his mind. Over and over and over again for years and years and years. He's even recruited friends to hide things from me.

It's all on me, but it's all hidden from me so I can't really do anything about it. And now the trust and our marriage is all on me. He even told the kids that - that he doesn't want to split up, that it's all my decision.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm screwed either way.

[Pooka]

I'm sorry Jinx. That is a terrible position to be in. I hope everything works out.

I hope he is able to identify why he feels the need to hid these things and is able to work through it.

I wish you both the best.

[lumberjim]

Originally Posted by jinx

He knows how to diet. He knows how to manage money. He understands the consequences of not doing these things.

The problem isn't overeating, or overspending. The problems are dishonesty, sneakiness, the need to be getting away with something, the need to be destructive. This is what he needs help with. This is what I can't understand and don't want to be around anymore.

I find out something fucked up, somehow, not from him, and I confront him with it. He makes excuses, apologies, promises.... says anything he thinks I want to hear to make it go away. Doesn't mean any of it, just keeps on doing, until the next fucked up thing pops up. These things become a pattern of behavior on top of the actual issue of the moment - but that's on me. That makes me unforgiving.

He knows the things he does are wrong so he hides them from me. If I don't ask direct and specific questions, I'll never find out, and it's all good in his mind. Over and over and over again for years and years and years. He's even recruited friends to hide things from me.

It's all on me, but it's all hidden from me so I can't really do anything about it. And now the trust and our marriage is all on me. He even told the kids that - that he doesn't want to split up, that it's all my decision.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm screwed either way.

that's all true.

I will change.

I'm sorry about what I said to the kids. I told them that as soon as you were ready to let me back in, I was there. I did not think of the position it puts you in with them. I was trying to assure them that I was working hard to get back with you. mea culpa.

[glatt]

It's not all on you, jinx.

I don't have any sage advice for you guys, but I'm rooting for you both.


There's got to be a middle way. People generally lie when they are trying to avoid "punishment" for something. They don't want to get in trouble, so they lie to avoid it. Take away the punishment, and you take away the motivation for lying. At the same time, structuring your lives differently so that the bad behavior is less of an option should reduce incidents of it. If it's money, taking control of the finances. If it's something else, there may be other things you guys can do.

Of course, saying to him he won't get in trouble when he's doing whatever he's doing assumes that the behavior is something you can live with when it does happen. If the bad behavior is a deal breaker, then it's not going to work.

I'm on the outside, so I have no idea what you guys are dealing with. But you can probably find a middle way if you look for it.