Humor...I Need Humor...

[Crimson Ghost]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

The Cellar: Learn it, live it, love it.

[Crimson Ghost]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a
quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of
romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
looked at her six items on the belt.

Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said,
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did
you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Ibby]

Oh, I toootally havent heard that one before...

[Crimson Ghost]

Two winos are walking down the street.
Tom says "Man, I haven't eaten in three days."
Jerry says "Dude, I'd eat almost anything, I'm so hungry."
A couple blocks later, they find a dead cat.
Jerry says "Do you want any or can I eat it all?"
Tom says "Go right ahead."
He watches Jerry eat the whole cat, fur, intestines and all.
A couple blocks later, Jerry says "Oh dude, I'm gonna be sick-- BLEAHHH" and pukes everything up.
Tom pulls out a knife and fork and exclaims "Perfect! A hot meal!!!"

[BrianR]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to
> marry the little girl across
> the street. The father, being modern and
> well-schooled in handling children,
> hid his smile behind his hand.
>
> "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought
> it out completely?"
>
> "Yes," his young son answered "We can spend one
> week in my room and the next
> in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run
> home if I get scared of
> the dark."
>
> "How about transportation? "How about transp
>
> "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,"
> the little boy answered.
> The boy had an answer to every question the father
> raised.
>
> Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What
> about babies? When you're
> married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
>
> "We've thought about that, too," the little boy
> replied. "We're not going to
> have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going
> to step on it!"

[Ronald Cherrycoke]

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."


Steven Wright

[Explicit]

Originally Posted by Ronald Cherrycoke

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."


Steven Wright

LOL

[Irie]

What has two legs and bleeds?
...
...
Half a Dog.

(Hope it's not a re-post)

[monster]

The Cellar: A hole in the Bozone layer

[Crimson Ghost]

The Bozone Layer Mascot

[ferret88]

Medical Distinctions

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

This should clear up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference since both ultimately result in death.

[lumberjim]

Chester County Barbies
>
> Mattel recently announced the release of the Limited-Edition Chester
> County dolls for the Pennsylvania Market (Will be releasing Philadelphia
> and New Jersey Limited - Edition in time for Christmas of 2007):
>
> Berwyn Barbie:
> This princess Barbie is only sold at Nieman Marcus in King of Prussia.
> She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
> long-haired dog named Honey, and an attitude. Available with or without
> tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold separately.
>
> Downingtown Barbie:
> This Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym
> outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary
> education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.
>
> Coatesville Barbie:
> This recently paroled former “Porn Actress” Barbie comes with a 9mm
> handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy Lumina with dark tinted windows, and a
> methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid
> for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you’re a cop, then
> we don’t know what you’re talking about.
>
> West Chester Barbie:
> This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
> Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club
> memberships. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private
> School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
>
> Parkesburg Barbie:
> This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
> small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a
> six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over
> 5 feet and can kick mullet haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Doll
> includes the overwhelming confusion as to why more people don’t come to
> downtown Parkesburg. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a
> confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free!
>
> Exton Barbie:
> Complete with acid washed jeans and her 1987 high school year book, this
> model includes a 1984 Pontiac Firebird with T-Top. Exton Barbie spends her
> days at the Bowl O Rama Dream House (sold separately) talking about how
> popular she was in high school and can often be found trying to turn east
> into the westbound lanes of Route 30. Speed trap Ken available with
> traffic citation book and “bad cop” attitude.
>
> Malvern Barbie:
> This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini
> outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the cookie
> cutter dream house. Percocet prescription available.
>
> Honey Brook Barbie:
> This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
> high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time ;she chased
> Beer-gut Ken out of the Honey Brook Barbie’s dream house. Her ensemble Includes
> low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through
> halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
>
> Phoenixville Barbie:
> This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
> archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white
> socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a
> Ken doll, but if you purchase 2 Phoenixville Barbies and the optional
> Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
>
> Kennett Square Barbie:
> This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie ; comes with a double-parked 1984 Toyota
> with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbie’s in the back seat,
> but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a cell phone, designer
> clothes and welfare check. Optional items available include switch blade,
> handgun with scratched off serial number, and Puerto Rican flag. WIC Cards
> are available for Kennett Square Barbie and Ken but green cards are not available
> for either doll.

[Irie]

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, He's fantastic in bed. That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, Hi, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, By the way, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed. That's Brand Recognition.

[ferret88]

Originally Posted by Irie

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

If only I'd had that definition when I was in marketing classes years ago.

[Ibby]

A C-130 was flying on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.


The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.



The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"



The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."