Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 79

footfootfoot · 02-05-2007, 05:40 PM

Spexxvet, XoBruce, and _______ are visiting a farm in Australia and they see a sheep which is tangled up in barbed wire in such a way that it's posterior is up in the air a bit.

Spexx says w/o a moment's hesitation, "Gee, I sure wish that was labrat."
XOBruce says "Yeah, I wish it was SG."
and _______ says, "I wish it was dark."

zippyt · 02-05-2007, 05:43 PM

Don't froget the hip boots There Footie

Spexxvet · 02-05-2007, 05:46 PM

Ok, I'll tell. It was Zippy, with Bruce and me.

xoxoxoBruce · 02-05-2007, 08:03 PM

I know nothing....... noooothing.

BrianR · 02-06-2007, 09:52 PM

> A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
> pharmacy, right up
> >>to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
> and said, "I
> >>would like to buy some cyanide."
> >>
> >>The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you
> need cyanide?"
> >> The lady replied, "I need it to poison my
> husband."
> >>
> >> The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed,
> "Lord have mercy!
> >> I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
> That's against the
> >>law! I lose my license! They'll throw both of
> us in jail! All
> >>kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
> You CANNOT have
> >>any cyanide!"
> >>
> >> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out
> a picture of her
> >>husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
> >>
> >> The pharmacist looked at the picture and
> replied, "Well now.
> >>That's different. You didn't tell me you had a
> prescription. "

Cyclefrance · 02-08-2007, 05:20 AM

Awwwwww.... Shi...!

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed!
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently
married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!

xoxoxoBruce · 02-09-2007, 06:05 AM

An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

Spexxvet · 02-12-2007, 05:55 PM

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

So you could read her lips.

Crimson Ghost · 02-12-2007, 06:53 PM

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

Trying to read the waffle iron.

Crimson Ghost · 02-12-2007, 07:02 PM

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to
the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside
here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is
not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton
is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your
answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

footfootfoot · 02-19-2007, 04:06 PM

A Shakespearean Theater troupe is about to go on tour with a production of six different plays, however they only have enough paint and material to make one sign so they decide to write it in short hand and this is what they come up with. What are the six plays?

MISCARRIAGE
WET DRY
3" 6" 9"

jinx · 02-19-2007, 04:46 PM

I've seen that before foot3 (so I won't answer), but my version also had "MARRIAGE".

footfootfoot · 02-19-2007, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx

I've seen that before foot3 (so I won't answer), but my version also had "MARRIAGE".

that's pretty funny too

footfootfoot · 02-20-2007, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

A Shakespearean Theater troupe is about to go on tour with a production of six different plays, however they only have enough paint and material to make one sign so they decide to write it in short hand and this is what they come up with. What are the six plays?

MISCARRIAGE = Love's Labors Lost
WET = Midsummer Night's Dream DRY = Twelfth Night
3" = Much Ado About Nothing 6" = As You Like It 9" Taming Of The Shrew

Pie · 02-19-2007, 05:41 PM

I googled it to get the answer, and it still doesn't make sense.

02-05-2007, 05:40 PM	#1
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Spexxvet, XoBruce, and _______ are visiting a farm in Australia and they see a sheep which is tangled up in barbed wire in such a way that it's posterior is up in the air a bit. Spexx says w/o a moment's hesitation, "Gee, I sure wish that was labrat." XOBruce says "Yeah, I wish it was SG." and _______ says, "I wish it was dark." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

02-05-2007, 05:43 PM	#2
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	Don't froget the hip boots There Footie __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

02-05-2007, 05:46 PM	#3
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	Ok, I'll tell. It was Zippy, with Bruce and me. __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

02-05-2007, 08:03 PM	#4
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	I know nothing....... noooothing. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-06-2007, 09:52 PM	#5
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	> A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the > pharmacy, right up > >>to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, > and said, "I > >>would like to buy some cyanide." > >> > >>The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you > need cyanide?" > >> The lady replied, "I need it to poison my > husband." > >> > >> The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, > "Lord have mercy! > >> I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! > That's against the > >>law! I lose my license! They'll throw both of > us in jail! All > >>kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! > You CANNOT have > >>any cyanide!" > >> > >> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out > a picture of her > >>husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. > >> > >> The pharmacist looked at the picture and > replied, "Well now. > >>That's different. You didn't tell me you had a > prescription. " __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

02-08-2007, 05:20 AM	#6
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Awwwwww.... Shi...! Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation: Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them! __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

02-09-2007, 06:05 AM	#7
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: - a Bible, - a silver dollar, - a bottle of whisky and - a Playboy magazine "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-12-2007, 05:55 PM	#8
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants? So you could read her lips. __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

02-12-2007, 06:53 PM	#9
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? Trying to read the waffle iron. __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

02-12-2007, 07:02 PM	#10
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away . . . The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow." __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

02-19-2007, 04:06 PM	#11
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	A Shakespearean Theater troupe is about to go on tour with a production of six different plays, however they only have enough paint and material to make one sign so they decide to write it in short hand and this is what they come up with. What are the six plays? MISCARRIAGE WET DRY 3" 6" 9" __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

02-19-2007, 04:46 PM	#12
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	I've seen that before foot3 (so I won't answer), but my version also had "MARRIAGE". __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

02-19-2007, 05:41 PM	#15
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	I googled it to get the answer, and it still doesn't make sense. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

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