Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 2

Radar · 01-15-2004, 01:31 PM

I heard it was 3 old ladies and the third one's arms were too short. Good joke though.

A pirate walks into a bar with the helm (steering wheel) attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, "Man that looks painful". The Pirate answers..."Arrrrgh, it's driving me nuts!"

i_rox_this_world · 01-06-2008, 09:50 PM

what did the right bum cheek say to the left bum cheek?
Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's an asshole.
i heard this one ffrom my son

Rexmons · 03-13-2008, 01:37 PM

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Flint · 03-13-2008, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rexmons

"You must be in Management."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flint

Sometimes they're like a cat, stuck in a tree (how the hell did you get up there?), but they're attacking the guy with the ladder (do you want to stay up there?) . . . I could have told them to move out of the way before the tree grew underneath them, but now that they're up there, it looks like they'll be hissing at me until I rescue them (again). Next time, ask me six months ago. Seriously. I'm not a fucking mind-reader. Oh, and by the way...

YOU'RE WELCOME.

HungLikeJesus · 03-14-2008, 11:04 AM

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started.

muffin · 02-18-2009, 10:05 AM

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an
update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women
realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are
like....
1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you. 2 Men are like.
Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to hange them. 4. Men are like Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ..
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like Commercials
. You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their
clothes are always 1/2 off! 8. Men are like ... Government Bonds .... They take
soooooooo long to mature.9. Men are like ... Mascara . They usually run at the first
sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little
while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to
look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are
taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know,
as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky
enough to know !!!!!!!!!!
You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby! something good will happen to you at
1:00-4:00 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock in your
life if you break this you will not be cursed but good luck will not come your way
for the next year . Everyone can use some fun and Good Luck so Send this to 5 people
in 15min

glatt · 02-18-2009, 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by muffin

You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby! something good will happen to you at
1:00-4:00 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock in your
life if you break this you will not be cursed but good luck will not come your way
for the next year . Everyone can use some fun and Good Luck so Send this to 5 people
in 15min

UncaDollas · 02-21-2010, 02:42 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYxJ_l6hSzc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7H_WSTv_Z48

09-04-2010, 10:25 PM

If it is all about humor that people want, why not try saying something onhow Mayweather gave racist comments about a boxer he cannot pug. He said he was just having fun. Any comments on this?

xoxoxoBruce · 09-05-2010, 02:02 AM

Welcome to the Cellar, henzbelmont.
You forgot to include the punchline...
or you're in the wrong thread.

jinx · 01-15-2004, 01:37 PM

Crazy guy walks in to see his new psychiatrist wearing only cellophane pants. The doc looks up from his desk and says "Sir, I can clearly see yer nuts".

Why don't women have brains?
They don't have penises to keep them in.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

wolf · 01-15-2004, 01:43 PM

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Reverend Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Reverend Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

xoxoxoBruce · 01-15-2004, 05:13 PM

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes , turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."

plthijinx · 01-15-2004, 06:57 PM

WASHINGTON,D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Texas quarters.

If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

Elionwyr · 01-15-2004, 08:18 PM

How many computer programers does it take to change a light bulb?

None... "Um yah, thats a, uh, hardware problem."

01-15-2004, 01:31 PM	#1
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	I heard it was 3 old ladies and the third one's arms were too short. Good joke though. A pirate walks into a bar with the helm (steering wheel) attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, "Man that looks painful". The Pirate answers..."Arrrrgh, it's driving me nuts!" __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

03-13-2008, 01:37 PM	#3
Rexmons - Kavkaz United - Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 613	A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." __________________ "Life's a bitch but God forbid the bitch divorce me..."

03-14-2008, 11:04 AM	#5
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	HOW THE FIGHT STARTED I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's when the fight started. __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

02-21-2010, 02:42 PM	#8
UncaDollas Banned Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 72	More Irish Jokes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYxJ_l6hSzc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7H_WSTv_Z48

09-05-2010, 02:02 AM	#10
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Welcome to the Cellar, henzbelmont. You forgot to include the punchline... or you're in the wrong thread. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-06-2008, 09:50 PM	#2
i_rox_this_world Rapscallion Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 5	what did the right bum cheek say to the left bum cheek? Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's an asshole. i heard this one ffrom my son

02-18-2009, 10:05 AM	#6
muffin Complex Simpleton Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: clooney,clare,ireland Posts: 18	For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you. 2 Men are like. Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to hange them. 4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 8. Men are like ... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.9. Men are like ... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!! You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby! something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life if you break this you will not be cursed but good luck will not come your way for the next year . Everyone can use some fun and Good Luck so Send this to 5 people in 15min

09-04-2010, 10:25 PM	#9
henzbelmont Guest Posts: n/a	If it is all about humor that people want, why not try saying something onhow Mayweather gave racist comments about a boxer he cannot pug. He said he was just having fun. Any comments on this?

01-15-2004, 01:37 PM	#11
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	Crazy guy walks in to see his new psychiatrist wearing only cellophane pants. The doc looks up from his desk and says "Sir, I can clearly see yer nuts". Why don't women have brains? They don't have penises to keep them in. What's brown and sticky? A stick. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

01-15-2004, 01:43 PM	#12
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Reverend Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Reverend Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either." __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

01-15-2004, 05:13 PM	#13
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes , turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."

01-15-2004, 06:57 PM	#14
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	texas quarters WASHINGTON,D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Texas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices." __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

01-15-2004, 08:18 PM	#15
Elionwyr Coronation Incarnate Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Philadelphia Posts: 89	How many computer programers does it take to change a light bulb? None... "Um yah, thats a, uh, hardware problem."

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 3 (0 members and 3 guests)