Humor...I Need Humor...

[Iggy]

A drunken man walks into a bar.

The bartender sees that he is already 5 sheets to the wind, and proceeds to inform the man,
"I'm sorry sir, but you will have to leave. We don't serve anyone that drunk in this bar."

The man scowls at the bartender, but stumbles out anyway.

Not 15 minutes later, the drunk stumbles back in the bar.

So the bartender, slightly annoyed at this point, tells the man the same thing he did before.

This time the drunk starts cussing profusely and refuses to leave. But when the bouncer comes over and tells the man to leave, he finally obliges.

About 30 minutes later, the same drunk comes through the door again!

The bartender is really pissed now. So he yells at the drunk to leave, because "we don't serve drunks here!"

Baffled and angry, the drunk says "Damn! How many bars do you work at?!?"

[xoxoxoBruce]

Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Esther says," Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells,
"Yoo hoo, Esther, he's single."

[footfootfoot]

Bruce and BigV are having a debate about the depth of large hole they find in the ground. They can't see the bottom and both are speculating pointlessly. Bruce suggests they drop a pebble down the hole and count how long it takes till it hits bottom.

They drop a pebble down and wait a while, but no sound comes back.

"We need a bigger rock." offers BigV. They drop a basketball sized stone down the hole, and wait and wait and still, no sound.

Bruce and BigV look at one another and say "wow, that is a deep hole. We need to find a really huge rock so it makes a loud enough noise for us to hear."

They search around a while and can't find a rock, but they do find a railroad tie, so they drag it over to the hole and shove it in. They stand watching it for a bit when all of a sudden a goat comes leaping out of the bushes and charges straight at them. They both jump out of the way and the goat dives head first into the hole.

They look at each other and say "Holy shit! did you see that? That was some weird ass shit, just then. That goat charged us and then dove into the hole."

They decide to leave the hole alone, and begin to walk away.

Just then, Griff walks up and says "hey guys, did you see a goat around here?"

"Well, yeah. This goat just attacked us then jumped in that hole over there." Said Bruce.

"It couldn't have been my goat." said Griff, "My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

[Tse Moana]

LOL!

A group of retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.
To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. But no one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept in Daryl's room and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Whoa, bad night? You look awful!" He said, "Geez, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Wow, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

[Ibby]

http://www.alltooflat.com/funny/jokes/jokes.php

All the jokes you could ever want.

[xoxoxoBruce]

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." Kenny said.
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't anyone complain"? The farmer asked.
"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

[footfootfoot]

A fuck for a duck,
a duck for a fuck,
and fifteen bucks for a fucked up duck

[lookout123]

i remember that one.

[zippyt]

some thing like this Foot ??

[capnhowdy]

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The
young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows.

Now give me back my dog."

[Clodfobble]

AWESOME.

That is almost an exact duplicate of the joke that started this thread 62 pages ago. The world has come full circle.

[jinx]

sorry about the formatting..



Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a
new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person
will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As
homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send
another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then
add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending
another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and
so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each
time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be
written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has
been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out
of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a
bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of
his
s eat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress
Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read
in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the
days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read,
no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to
become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had
left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to
stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I
have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of tea???
Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too
many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

(Gary)

Bitch.

(Rebecca)

FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)

Go make some tea, whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

[Kagen4o4]

we've already had that one.

[BigV]

EMOTICONS


We all know those cute little computer symbols called, "emoticons,"

Where:

means a smile and

is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by

:-) and

:-( respectively.



Well, how about some, "assicons"? Here goes:



(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass







..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo...
oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
o o *o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o \o/ o
o --O-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. oo. ooo
o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
o. """""" oo """"" o
'o oo o'
o oo o
'o o o*
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

For those of you wondering what the smashed text above is supposed to represent, I suggest you quote this message for an expanded ASScii surprise*.








* surprise only valid in editing window.

[thrillhouse]

sent to me this morning by my uncle, under heading "Warning!"

Like you, I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. But, this one is
important. Please forward to those you care about.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey on deer ticks and asks you to take all of your clothes off and
dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM. They only
want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.