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Relationships People who need people; or, why can't we all just get along?

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Old 02-02-2007, 02:21 AM   #1
rkzenrage
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Reprinted advice

A kid asked me for some advice when he found out how long my wife and I had been together, on another board. This was my reply.
It is worded strange because I wrote it pretty far into the thread after he asked and repeated a lot of the earlier discussion within my reply so others would understand what was going on when they read it... if that makes any sense.
Discuss?

Quote:
Every person is different, however, as long as you find someone who is a decent match for you and willing to work and YOU are willing to work. BOTH of you are willing to compromise from time to time, and not JUST on the small stuff , or the big stuff, you can make it work.
Like my parents, 40 years, my wife and I 17 years, my grandparents 60+ years, and many of my other friends and family.
Oh, another thing, spend time around others with successful relationships, watch and LISTEN and get rid of your petty little ego.. it is poison. Pride and games are the worst thing you can bring to a relationship.
Forgiveness, listening and the ability to give (time, your heart, your pride, your space and just give... yes, sometimes in) will keep it going. Because it will make them want to do the same for you.
You have to practice what you want from them, even when they are not doing it, because you will be an ass sometimes and need their patience when it is you being a shit-head and not knowing it.
Always look at the big picture and to the past... no matter how angry you are and no matter what they do, place in in context with the larger picture before you make any decisions.
Don't take stupid advice like "don't go to bed mad" or other trite shit like that, every relationship is different and everyone communicates differently... as long as you fucking learn how to communicate without doing it in a hateful way.
Just because they are yelling at you, does not mean you have to yell back... why do people not get that?
There, a tiny glimmer...
Edit:
If you really want to have a great time and really give it a go, spend more time on the friendship than the romantic side... that can always get sparked-up as long as it was there to begin with.
A solid core friendship needs care and is what will last you for the long haul.
Sex, beauty and all other things fade, good conversation and fun is the true foundation to love and your relationship and that is your friendship. A really wise man once told me that and he was dead-on.

What you will find happening is that the romance and frienship will blend.
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Old 02-02-2007, 04:11 AM   #2
limey
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Hard to discuss it because you've said it all right there, rk. Excellent advice!
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Old 02-02-2007, 04:21 AM   #3
freshnesschronic
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Thanks for posting that. Since my girlfriend just said she didn't know if she loved me anymore, I wish I could have read this about 3 hours earlier.
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Old 02-02-2007, 11:05 AM   #4
rkzenrage
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Perhaps it is not too late my friend... or perhaps you are going to do better later on. I hope for the best for you.
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Old 02-02-2007, 03:19 PM   #5
rkzenrage
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A continuation of the conversation... this young person is having a hard time. Part of my posting this here is to double-check that I am not messing-up somehow. I want to know if you see anything that may need amending.

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Being happy is just changing your perception... appreciating your blessings instead of fixating on what you do not have or what is "wrong" with your life or situation, nothing more.
It is a skill, something to be learned, practiced, and eventually done automatically.
You just have to want to and not want to be a self-indulgent sad-person.
This is also true of those with chemical imbalances, they just have to work harder and, occasionally, need chemical help... but those chemicals are ONLY a step in the process, not the only key or tool. They just help the tools work.
One must DECIDE to be happy.
That does not mean that nothing will get to you and stubbing your toe will not piss you off, it is a matter of balance and being happier than unhappy and what makes you unhappy and why.
Get the tools, use them... it works. Just working on it helps, it gets your mind working... that is half the damn battle.
UT... I know you believe there is such a thing as a magic happy pill... don't bother. I'm not going to agree.
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Old 02-02-2007, 03:21 PM   #6
Clodfobble
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkzenrage
Being happy is just changing your perception...
Quote:
Originally Posted by rkzenrage
UT... I know you believe there is such a thing as a magic happy pill... don't bother. I'm not going to agree.
There's a difference between being clinically depressed regardless of the state of your marriage, and being an average Joe with a failing marriage. They are totally separate problems with totally separate solutions.
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Old 02-02-2007, 03:38 PM   #7
Undertoad
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Perhaps you should only give advice about whatever it is that you are supposed to be an expert on.
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Old 02-02-2007, 03:41 PM   #8
rkzenrage
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Sure would reduce your posts... I will if you will... would be worth it.

I'm sure a Dr. would tell someone who is depressed & needed meds that they would gain NO help with the meds from talking with someone... yeah-right.
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Old 02-02-2007, 04:01 PM   #9
Undertoad
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If you catch me giving out advice about what I don't know about, point it out in the thread where I do it, like I'm doin' for you here. Otherwise, it ain't half useful.

Each person's situation is different. Some will benefit from nothing but talk therapy. Some will benefit best from a combination of meds and talk therapy. And others, such as myself, can be diagnosed (a key word here) with a chronic (another key word) condition which can be helped by medication and not so much, if at all, through talk or other coping methods.

One reason I know this is because I tried talk and other coping methods for 20 years, and continued to suffer and suffer; medication solved it in two months and continues to solve it perfectly with no side effects and no HIGHLY expensive talk therapy.

And the reason I am a stickler about this is because it might help another person stop suffering sooner than 20 years.
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Old 02-02-2007, 04:08 PM   #10
rkzenrage
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As I stated in the first post, and I too have been through the system for over twenty years, I disagree with you, and am going to.
I don't believe in a magic mind pill.
I, have never stated, specifically, talk therapy. You filled that in on your own.
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Old 02-02-2007, 04:29 PM   #11
Undertoad
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You asked what a doctor would say; I have posted what a doctor would say. Is that part of the equation for you or do you get to ignore it?

Simply by using the term "magic mind pill" your bias from willful ignorance is on display. Your spread of such ignorance will cause people to suffer needlessly. Please, don't.
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Old 02-02-2007, 06:51 PM   #12
rkzenrage
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I asked?
No thanks for the ThreadJack, especially after I asked you not to.
You sure have a lot in common with TW.
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Old 02-02-2007, 07:02 PM   #13
xoxoxoBruce
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkzenrage View Post
Part of my posting this here is to double-check that I am not messing-up somehow. I want to know if you see anything that may need amending.
Why ask if you don't want to hear it?
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Old 02-02-2007, 07:47 PM   #14
rkzenrage
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I made one specific request, about a point that was discussed to death earlier, nothing else.
But, you already know this.
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Old 02-02-2007, 10:19 PM   #15
Stormieweather
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I recently had the opportunity to view a marvelous motivational video - What's right with the world

One of the main premises of the video is that what we believe affects our perceptions which become our reality.

I believe that we are in control of our own happiness (or lack thereof). That doesn't mean that other influences don't cause us pain or that we don't have problems which may seem insurmountable, it simply means we control how we react to them and we choose how to view them, as well as ourselves. I think we have 'internal tapes' that we play which affect our self-esteem, our ego, our confidence and our outlook on life. These tapes are a result of our life experiences and teachings.

Internal scripts that follow the lines of...I'm miserable, my life sucks, my husband/wife is the pits, I'm fat/ugly/short/weird/stupid and nobody likes me generally become self-fulfilling. Every time we tell ourselves that (or believe it when someone else says it), it is closer to becoming our reality.

I'm NOT a doctor, but from I've studied, I've come to think that in some cases, there IS a chemical imbalance which can be helped through medication(s). My understanding is that this type of chemical imbalance has physical effects such as lethargia, listlessness, lack of enthusiasm, sleep issues and a disruption of cognitive reasoning. But this does not change the fact that we are all responsible for ourselves and our belief patterns/perceptions.

I wrote an essay 20 years ago in which I described each person's life as a ship. We, as the captain, steer our ship with our choices. Just as a captain can't control the tides, the waves, winds or ice floes, we don't have control over the outside influences which affect our lives, such as illness, job loss, abuse, or traffic jams on the way home. We DO however, have control over how we choose to react to them. We can make a concious choice to have a positive outlook and to find the best in our world (instead of focusing on what's wrong).

As Rkzenrage says, it doesn't happen overnight. It took 20, 30, 40 years to learn those negative scripts and it will take a lot of effort and time to rewrite them. The habits of a lifetime are hard to break, but it can be done. Everytime I find myself blaming someone/something else for my own unhappiness, I shut off the tape and revise my response. I believe that with all problems that come my way, I can choose to accept the situation, change the situation or change my perception of the situation. This then, becomes my reality.


So, I think I'm thin. I'm really, really slender. That roll of fat around my waist? Is. not. there. .

Stormie
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