Jealousy, trust, and diaries

[Predicament]

Hola folks, I'm here, posting incognito (hopefully) because I have a... problem.

You see, I've been with a wonderful woman for more than a year now. Our relationship is fantastic in every way... except one. Jealousy. I'm 29, and she's 25. She's only had sex with 3 people before me. (Two serious relationships, and one "mistake" with a long-time friend). And when she started digging, I was stupidly honest with her and told her that I've been with 7 women before her. (Why can't I learn to lie?) In any event, she's a fantastically jealous woman on top of being a hyper-moralist, and sees that number as horrendous. (Even though I feel it's rather modest for a 29 year-old)

So, there's problem #1 that we're dealing with. She's constantly worried that I'm thinking about other women, and she obsesses about the fact that she's forced to have "shared" me with those women. (Side note: she's the only woman I've told "I love you" in my entire life... she knows this). It doesn't matter that the other women don't hold any emotional pull on me, and I never think of them.... the problem is that SHE thinks of them.

In her constant worry, she started Google'ing the hell out of me. The vast bulk of my internet footprint is harmless. But ANY comment where I mention my current girlfriend would send her into a state of anger / sadness. Several times I had to go back and relive a post in some obscure forum where 5 years ago I commented that I'd just broken up with my girlfriend and I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. I explain that I made that post THEN, in a moment of emotional turmoil, and if you scroll down in the same thread you can see my post 3 days later where I reaffirmed that I was glad I made the right decision. That doesn't matter... what matters is her feeling of deep hurt when she read the "is this right?" post.

Everything so far I can understand, and I've been very patient and supportive of her. Given time, she's making baby-steps and has improved significantly.

Until this past weekend. Months ago she'd found a blog space that I used to keep my personal thoughts (essentially a diary). She couldn't access it, because I had locked the space so that I was the only one that could view it. I never use the space any longer, and had all but forgotten about it. She didn't. This weekend she figured out my password (I use the same password all across the net), and she accessed the site. She read through a few entries (written before I even knew her) and of course got herself terribly hurt once again. One key example, in one entry I describe meeting my "dream girl"... that I met while on vacation at the beach and we had a fling.

She exploded at me again. Nothing I've told her before was proven false... it's just now she had my words describing some other woman as a "dream girl". (Which truthfully was no dream girl... she was a summer fling.)

In the past I understood all her fears, and did my best to help her work through her problems. But now I have a different problem. This time *I'm* feeling mixed up inside. I can't help feeling violated that she'd take my password and try dig extra info out on me. I know it's cliche'd, but I can't help feeling like it hurt the trust in the relationship. I feel like she could ask me anything, and I'll tell her. If she sneaks behind my back then that infers a lack of trust.

Now I'm really confused. I'm still focusing my energy on trying to allay her fears. But I haven't even begun to deal with how I feel.

Any recommendations for a confused man? I don't even know what to think on this one.

[lumberjim]

sounds like a pretty high maintenance woman there. if she;s this nuts at this early stage, your life
with her should be a barrel full of monkeys......no, that should be shit. yeah. a barrel full of shit. the sooner you're rid of that kind of oppression and suspicion, the better.

[Beestie]

What LJ said. She's kinda nuts and you'll spend the rest of your life disproving groundless accusations while she uses her insecurity to justify ripping you to shreds. If you aren't happy now, you might ask yourself why you think things will get better.

[Aliantha]

I have come to think that if a relationship isn't easy to actually be in, what's the point? I know you have to work on them, but if it's a constant fight, why would you bother?

Do yourself a favour and decide if this kind of thing is what you really want. Do you like the drama. Does it do something for your ego to see her so jealous? If not, unless she's going to actually seriously deal with her insecurities, you're in for a shit ride.

[zippyt]

Kinda Nuts ????
Dude !! Get shed of this chick befor you find your self on fire one nite and can't get out of the bed because she sewed the bed sheets around you !!!

[breakingnews]

dude, you don't need that noise. it's just childish. she's just digging for dirt to make her seem like the victim (somehow), that you're some lying bastard with a rotten past.

if she can't learn to accept you and your personal thoughts for what they are, then i think this is someone you should not be with. there are, in fact, girls out there who will respect your privacy and even try to relate to or understand your past, rather than turn your sexual history into a formal investigation.

now, if she caught you nailing her little sister in the back of mom's minivan, you might have some "trust" issues to work out. but i don't think this is the case. tell her to grow up or get out.

Originally Posted by zippyt

Kinda Nuts ????
Dude !! Get shed of this chick befor you find your self on fire one nite and can't get out of the bed because she sewed the bed sheets around you !!!

I rarely say this, but ^ that.

She has SERIOUS trust issues that have NOTHING to do with you.
However, she is busting her ass to MAKE them about you...
But, hay, if you want that... have at it.

[Predicament]

Weeeell..... to be 100% honest I feel like she's got a little bit of justification. And I mean a LITTLE bit. Here's a bit more back-story...

A few months back she started googling me, and she found a 5 year-old "introduce yourself" post that I put up on some forum. It was a fill-in-the-blank style post, and two questions were, "Do you ever miss an ex-girlfriend?", (answered yes), and "stuck on desert island w/ 1 person...", and I answered with the name of that ex, and commented it was the same person as the ex-gf answer.

She read that (2 lines out of 200), and automatically assumed I had some hang-up about this ex. I explained to her that no, there is no hang-up. It was a form-letter, and I made that post years ago in a moment of loneliness, and I was reminiscing about my first girlfriend. (Hence the reason for me filling out an "introduce yourself" topic). Nothing exciting, and definitely nothing to be worried about.

She accepted it, and didn't mention it again.

BUT THEN... Quite innocently (I believe her on this) she was going through a stack of old papers and she ended up finding: the break-up letter that I wrote to that self-same ex-girlfriend. Her first reaction is that I really *DO* have some hangup for this girl, why else would I keep that letter for so long? This is the part where I give her some sympathy. To be honest, I have to admit that it doesn't look good for me. But the truth is that the I kept the break-up letter originally because I was 17 at the time, and the letter was full of "growing moments". But after so many years it had ended up stuffed in with a stack of old papers and forgotten about. So she found it and was horribly (horribly horribly) distraught. (Remember, this is a break-up letter, not a love letter). I made a show of laughing the thing off and tearing up the letter and flushing it down the toilet. Again, she accepted the response and seemed to be stable again.

Next, pick up where I began my first post. Jealous girl, find password, dig into past.

*Sigh* I really don't know. I hear what you're all saying. It's the same thing I've preached in the past. Basically:
1) If they love you, then they'll accept your past, the good and the bad
2) Relationships are work, but they shouldn't be a chore

I don't know. I'm not ready to quit on this one. Like I said... this is the only woman I've ever said "I love you" to, and I still feel the same way. I don't want to walk away from that. I just want to get her fixed in the head.

Nope, not right dude... old GF... old news.
She has trust issues and she is working them out on you.

Don't quit if you don't want to... but jealousy is it's own special hell and you can have it.

Jealousy is a lack of trust and you have given her no reason not to trust you. You have to ask where the real issue is here.

I have two diaries and all kinds of internet stuff... my wife of thirteen years does not look (lives together seventeen) and I don't look in her three journals or on-line stuff, I know her passwords.
I would feel like a creep and a liar.

[Predicament]

Oh, and one more comment about my last post... it goes back to what I've been preaching to her...

If you're a jealous person and you spend all your energy LOOKING for something, you WILL find something to be jealous about. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And a side note... she had the gumption this past weekend to ask me if I wanted to go to a "good friends" wedding in May. Turns out the friend is actually the best-friend of her ex-boyfriend. So a girl that is insanely jealous that I may be THINKING about some ex-gf wants me to go to a wedding where her ex is the best man.

Do as I say...

You are making my case, not yours, dude.

Another thing... jealousy does not go away. It is a personality trait. Part of who they are.

Unless they are willing to get help and, actually, change the way they think and approach the world... they best they can do is hide it from you.

[Predicament]

Yeah, I hear you, rkz. The truth is that she has diaries and blogs, and I've told her explicitly I don't want to know anything about what's in there. Everything is contextual. And when a person is speaking to themselves, potentially many years in the past, you can't read that and assume it has any bearing on what your perception of the comment may be.

*sigh*

I don't know. After voicing my opinion here, and getting the feedback, I think I'm going to sit down with her and have a long talk tonight. These past weeks I've been acting very understanding and spent all my energy to talk to "help her work through her concerns". I'm feeling a new subject coming up tonight. Basically, "we need to work through these trust issues".

I edited my above post.

You do need to talk straight with her.
It is not about feelings, it is about actions.
Women often try to make it about how they feel... like they could not help themselves.... we are accountable for our actions at all times.

That did not come out right... men do it too, but those who are compulsive about "feelings" like jealousy do this often. I have seen it more in women. That is why I put it in those terms.

[Sundae]

You've already suggested the best thing you can do - sit down and have a long talk with her. And I would suggest relationship counselling if you are serious about this woman.

I have more sympathy with her than other posters. I know the way she has behaved has caused you problems and she is out of line, but if you care about her at least stop and think what she is going through. Jealousy is a powerful emotion. Although she can learn ways of controlling it, she is always going to have it there to some degree. Until she learns it will nag away in a small part of her brain, like an alcoholic going about their daily business but all the while planning where the next drink is coming from.

She will probably have an adrenaline rush when she gives in to the urge to snoop. For a while she will be buzzing with it, then if she finds something that confirms her fears - a name on a website, a letter, she will have a massive crash. She's not coming to you in a furious rage or crying uncontrollably in order to manipulate you - that is the only way she can deal with the weird mix of chemicals in her body.

Most jealous people I know hate their jealousy. If they could take a magic pill to make it go away, they would. Of course the only thing that works is facing what they fear the most, an understanding that what they are doing is hurting the person they love and a willingness to change.

Don't indulge her too much. Make it clear it is her jealousy you dislike, and not her, but that she needs to learn to control that part of herself.

[BigV]

Hey, Predicament. This is the first of an arbitrarily large number of "Groundhog Days". That number can be as large as the number of days you can expect to live, or, the number of hours in each of those days, or, the number of times the subject of an argument can change in an hour in each of those days. Arbitrarily large. Assuming nothing fundamental changes, (and I have no reason to believe anything will change, fundamentally), you'll be asking this question again tomorrow. And next week, next year, ad nauseum.

You can add one new thing to this, "Are you any closer to the end of your patience at refuting baseless accusations?" If that answer is yes, then you're on the path to the end of this cycle. You can short circuit a lot of the grief by just ending it now, unless you're into that kind of masochism. Or you can ride it out. If your answer to the question is no, then you will ride because it will continue. You know this. Ask yourself what you're trying to find justification for? Will you become more trustworthy? Can you prove it? Think about it.

zippyt: hehe "Get shed" sweet. with your permission, I would like to add that to my vocabulary.