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Relationships People who need people; or, why can't we all just get along?

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Old 02-09-2007, 07:43 PM   #16
disenchanted
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I don't know of any simple answer, I can just say what I've been doing:

Dated a girl for almost nine years. Lived with her for six. Last january, she suddenly wanted out, talked her out of it. Got to be miserable for a few months. She wanted out again by april. Didn't fight it.

Announced that I was taking a break from dating until I got my shit together again. (not long after this is when I became a irregular lurker around these parts) The way I see it, I hope there comes a time that I can go try that relationship thing again and work through my baggage so that it can be more like experience and potential wisdom, rather than a burden.

The next big trick is trying to figure out when it's objectively been long enough. I don't think I'm there yet.

Stay strong.
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Old 02-09-2007, 08:37 PM   #17
xoxoxoBruce
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When you meet someone that you might pursue, just remind yourself you're on hiatus.
When yourself replies...... screw that shit, I'm on this chick...... it's time.
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Old 02-09-2007, 08:46 PM   #18
disenchanted
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Makes sense, but some days it feels like I'm a half step up (and a shanty and a manual typewriter) away from writing manifestos or something.

At some point, this whole "taking a break" thing might hit a different extreme.
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Old 02-10-2007, 12:01 PM   #19
xoxoxoBruce
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Quote:
Originally Posted by disenchanted View Post
Makes sense, but some days it feels like I'm a half step up (and a shanty and a manual typewriter) away from writing manifestos or something.

At some point, this whole "taking a break" thing might hit a different extreme.
Why is that? If you are doing what you choose and avoiding things that are annoying you shouldn't be drawn to manifesto writing.

Unless... by avoiding the annoyances you're just delaying what you feel is an inevitable confrontation? That can be a confrontation with you're own, standards, goals, dreams, desires, beliefs, or whatever. Probably not with the chick that done you wrong, however.

Or.... you feel you've been wronged and want to get even. Take out your anger and frustration on somebody.... anybody?

Possibly....you're horny as hell and have some sort of hangup about masturbation that gives you more feelings of guilt than relief?

Maybe.... you're a candyass, chickenshit, coward, that's afraid of getting your heart broken again.

Seriously though, you decided on a post breakup course of action and took it. But you seem unhappy with what you're doing, or at least the result.
Remember life is a smörgåsbord. Try something, if you don't like it don't waste time, just try something else. Take care of #1.
Don't forget, before you find a solution.... you have to make a brutally honest assessment of the problem. Otherwise you'll never be happy with any solution you create.

Keep us posted on your progress. Yes, there will be progress...I got faith.
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Old 02-10-2007, 06:04 PM   #20
disenchanted
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Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce View Post
Why is that? If you are doing what you choose and avoiding things that are annoying you shouldn't be drawn to manifesto writing.
Actually, I was just suggesting that I feel like a screwed-up loner, more than actually having any interest in vengeance.

The girl split. These things happen. I don't wish harm upon her, but I don't have to care about what she does with her life anymore, either.

You might be right on the candyass chickenshit coward thing. Who would want to get hurt again? Excepting, of course, the alternative being the slow ache of loneliness.

I know I'm still screwed up, and I might be for a while yet. I don't terribly like the idea of dating avoidance, but neither am I keen on taking this bullshit to some new relationship.
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Old 02-11-2007, 05:22 PM   #21
xoxoxoBruce
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Quote:
snip~ but neither am I keen on taking this bullshit to some new relationship.
Ah, the key to your dilemma.
After discovering the age old question, "Is the screwin' I get, worth the screwin" I take?", you evaluate things differently.
You may also wonder why the failure happened?
Who's fault?
Do you have the ability to have a successful relationship?
How much harder would you have to work, how much crap would you have to take, to have a successful relationship?
Is it worth it?

I'd suggest you'd be shooting yourself in the foot, trying to preplan limits to your tolerance. Instead, go with what's comfortable and play it by ear. You're much better at seeing and reading the signs now. That voice in the back of your head will warn you of impending bullshit. At that time you can decide if the present she is worth it and flat out tell her you've reached your limit.

I've told this story before but it bears repeating.
PA has the largest bear population in the lower 48, something like 8 or 9 thousand bears. There has been one man, connected with Penn State, that's been the state's "Bear Man" for many years. It the course of caring for the health and welfare of that many bears, he puts himself in harms way constantly. He does things like crawling into bear dens to check the health and count cubs, with a rope tied to his feet so they can pull him, or what's left of him, out of the den if Mama Bear's awake.
He was being interviewed by a reporter who asked him the scariest thing he'd done, the most terrifying situation he'd been in, during his 25, or so, years as "Bear Man"?
He said, "Dating after divorce".
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