Tonight, I am happy

[lumberjim]

As my days pass, and my weeks and months and years, the phases of my life shift. Focus moving from one thing to the next, to the next, they change. Increasingly challenging, progressing in complexity, cost, and importance, it tends to make a person feel put upon. Somehow, I seldom remember to look about myself.

This evening, however, I caught a glimpe of myself out of the corner of my mind. The feeling of being behind at all times in my life still lingers faintly at the back of my brain, like an audibly ticking watch in a pitch black bedroom, but it seems muted for some reason tonight. The hurry up and live life, what's next?, living to pay bills mindset that sometimes posesses me is pushed far enough away from me to be seen for what it is.

It occurs to me that if I think about each individual aspect of my life one at a time, I'm doing just fine. It's when I think about everything all at once, that the stress rises. A little bit of negative in each aspect, to be sure, and somehow, those negatives tend to rise to the top, sure to be seen first. I suppose that is natural. Those are the areas that need attention.

It just seems clear to me tonight that I like this part of my life. Very much like the evening in that canyon in New Mexico, I am content. I want to remember this, too. That's why I'm posting this. I want to be able to reread this in 3 months, in 2 years, and remember how it feels. Too often, I lose sight of things like this. I am standing back from myself, and I can see that the journey IS the destination. I'm 33 years old, strong and healthy. I don't ache when I wake up in the morning, there's no noticable hair growing on my back, and I am usually able to keep my nose hairs under control. My wife is beautiful, and smart. We are closer to each other, and get along better than we ever have. I feel like we are getting really really good at being together. AND....I have 2 kids. I'm someones father. That in and of itself is enough to give me an out of body experience. They're good kids, too. They are almost 4 and 6. This is my favorite age so far. (it always seems to be my favorite age) I wonder when that will reach a saturation point?

We have a good house, live in a good town, and most people I know seem to like me. I am cognizant of how lucky I am. If the work I do in my life, and the worries and stresses I carry are the price of what I have in my life, then I feel fortunate for the ability to meet them. I got the long end of the stick. At the same time I realize that it is all a house of cards, and could come crashing down around me because of something I cannot control or anticipate. Nevertheless, the fact that I am happy today, and have noticed it is more than some people take with them through their days. I will try to keep this feeling. It will fade, I'm sure, but hopefully, if I've captured what I'm feeling right now here, I will be able to remember and try to get back here as often as possible.

Tonight, I am happy.