The Amazing, Ongoing Saga of Verizon DSL (the condensed version)

[vsp]

IN PREVIOUS EPISODES:

Me: Hi, I have 768/128 DSL. You now offer 1.5/384.
Verizon: Yep, we do.
Me: Me want.
Verizon: Sure. Order's in. Check in a week if it's not up yet.
Me: Kthxbye.

(a week)

Me: It's not up yet.
Verizon: Says here that it is.
Me: It's not.
Verizon: Lemme check... (transfer) (transfer) You can't have, too far.
Me: But me want!
Verizon: Move closer. Call back again.
Me: Poop.

(monthly cycle begins)

Me: I still want 1.5/384.
Verizon: (transfer) (transfer) (transfer) You're too far away on the loop.
Me: Poop.

(repeat monthly cycle eight or nine times)

IN LAST WEEK'S EPISODE:

Me: I still want 1.5/384. This is a recording.
Verizon: Sure.
Me: What?
Verizon: Sure. Order's in.
Me: The loop distance was bad before. OK now?
Verizon: Sure, you're good now. Check back in a week if it's not up yet.
Me: Kthxbye.

Me: It's not up yet.
Verizon: Says here that it is. This is a recording.
Me: Not this shit again.
Verizon: Lemme check... (transfer) (transfer) (transfer) You can't have, too far.
Me: KABOOM VENT RANT RAGE
Verizon: Call local office. Maybe they can run a new wire.
Me: Kthxbye.

AND NOW, TODAY'S EXCITING EPISODE:

Me: Local office?
Different Verizon Number: Nope, we're just a phone bank.
Me: They said THIS number was the local office.
Different Verizon Number: They're on crack. What you need?
Me: I still want 1.5/384. They said maybe you can run a new wire.
Different Verizon Number: They're on crack. Here, talk to them. (transfer)
Me: ...
Verizon: Hi, it's us again.
Me: KABOOM VENT RANT RAGE WANT SUPERVISOR
Verizon: Wow, you're not happy.
Me: You noticed.
Verizon: Wow, the other departments are on crack.
Me: You noticed.
Verizon: Don't worry, we're in rehab. WE'RE the sane ones.
Me: We'll see.
Verizon: No supervisor, in meetings.
Me: How con-veeeeeeeenient.
Verizon: Running tests. (hold) Running tests. (hold) Running tests. (hold) Running tests. (hold) Call back later today.
Me: Kthxbye.

TUNE IN LATER TODAY FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!