Someone with less baggage

yesman065 · 05-15-2006, 07:53 AM

Its been awhile since I've posted or given you guys an update, but here we go. Friday was like any other day with her - we went out shopping for my new wardrobe, talked, held hands and just enjoyed being with each other. Saturday we saw a movie, laughed, loved and parted ways. It has been the most beautiful and special 7 months that I can remember. We talked of finally getting to meet and know each others family and Last night, after 7 months, my YW (23 - I'm 41) tells me out of the blue that she doesn't know if this is what she wants - she can't handle the fact that I have 3 kids and is very disappointed that I won't be able to spend Memorial day weekend with her as I will have the kids. Perhaps - she calmly states - "I think I just need to find someone with less baggage. Theres no way I can do this until your kids are all grown and have lives of their own." =(( my heart just sank. Then she says that she needs to go to bed and can't get into it cuz she has to get up early for class. (She'll graduate in the fall) After a long sleepless tear-filled night I talked to her this am and she just said she wasn't acting out on her thoughts and that she just wanted me to know how she felt. She is really disappointed that we can't be together for the long weekend and doesn't want my kids to hate her - which always happens with a divorced dads new woman. I am completely crushed. - Happy 7th anniversary.

mrnoodle · 05-15-2006, 10:17 AM

Chin up, man. You'll pull through -- maybe with her, maybe without. There's still a huge maturity difference between 23 and 42, and it's rearing its ugly head here. Your kids better always come first, or you'll regret it later. If and when she grows up enough to realize that you have responsibilities that are independent of her agenda, she'll come around.

Undertoad · 05-15-2006, 10:32 AM

Is the lesson here that Twinkies are cheap and taste good but have no nutritional value?

Stormieweather · 05-15-2006, 10:56 AM

As painful as it was for you, I'm giving her kudos for her honesty. Particularly for recognizing her doubts and verbalizing them before meeting your children.

A woman who is disinterested or even resentful of your children will not make a good step-parent. She may just be nervous and afraid, but I wouldn't push her either way. A happy 'blended' family is going to entail a lot of baggage (there is an ex to consider as well) and in order to be successful, everyone has to be committed to it.

The age difference may or may not be the 'issue'. I dated a 39 year old when I was 21 and it was wonderful. However, his only child was 18 (almost like a sibling..lol) and didn't require any parenting or babysitting by me. The relationship ended when he made it clear he was done having children, and I hadn't even started. In your girlfriend's case, I think she is being quite mature about her limitations and abilities.

As MrNoodle says, your children should come first. There are many women who would welcome them. But trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole won't be successful and most likely will end up hurting everyone involved.

Good luck, and I'm sorry for you that this turn in the relationship has happened.

Stormie

05-15-2006, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrnoodle

Chin up, man. You'll pull through -- maybe with her, maybe without. There's still a huge maturity difference between 23 and 42, and it's rearing its ugly head here. Your kids better always come first, or you'll regret it later. If and when she grows up enough to realize that you have responsibilities that are independent of her agenda, she'll come around.

You really think so?
As a teacher, actor and director you get to know how people work... especially as a director and actor in theatre.
I have known a lot of 20 year-olds that don't play games and a lot of 45 year-olds that can play them better than 12 year-olds.
Baggage can accumulate and/or be gotten rid-of at will. Age has something to do with it, but not nearly as much as whom they decide they want to be.

mrnoodle · 05-15-2006, 03:40 PM

That's true, also. But the number of naive 20-year-olds seems to be increasing exponentially.

skysidhe · 05-15-2006, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

Is the lesson here that Twinkies are cheap and taste good but have no nutritional value?

I think so.

yesman065 · 05-16-2006, 08:19 AM

Thanks guys and gals - We had another discussion last night and she is really scared that we will not be able to overcome the parenting issues because of the kids ages (17, 16, 14) and that her initial reaction was to run. She has been in a couple relationships with some real losers who have hurt her badly and she is not used to being with a guy like me who treats her well. She was feeling like I was turning on her and that the kids were more important to me. They are and I told her that in no uncertain circumstances. However, I also told her that she meant a lot to me and that I want to work this out with her as a couple and not let it be a devisive issue. She has lupus which prevents her from having any children of her own so that is a another issue we have in front of us. She also sid that it is hard for her to deal with the fact that every other weekend I have them and cannot see her. I know this is temporary, but her perspective is different than mine and she sees it as a major issue. We're trying to work it out. Any advice on this end of things - the kids - Dads new Girl - potential Stepmom who is very young???

05-16-2006, 08:23 AM

Well done. Sounds like she is not used to being told where the boundaries are and exactly how the other party feels and why.
No games.
Some people can deal without games, if you find one, work at it, I say.
I hope it works out for both of you and your children.

yesman065 · 05-16-2006, 08:33 AM

We are both sick of the games, yet her previous bf's have conditioned her a bit and I have to bring her back to reality a bit every now and again.

05-16-2006, 08:44 AM

Yeah, those conditioned responces are hard to get over. But, it is worth it if they want to do so.
My wife is from a whole family of game players, her mother is a champion.
She is great and has gotten past it, when she goes back to it she does not get ticked when called on it, much.

Ibby · 05-16-2006, 08:54 AM

I have a friend who's dad is dating a woman only like, ten years older than her. She says it's kind of weird sometimes but not quite creepy, and sometimes its kind of cool with someone that close to her own age.

05-16-2006, 08:56 AM

We can adapt to any situation... it constantly fascinates me.

yesman065 · 05-16-2006, 08:59 AM

At least she is honest with me and tells me how she feels and what she thinks - many times its contrary to what I think or feel and that opens a lot of constructive conversations, which is in stark contrast to my ex. VERY refreshing.

05-16-2006, 09:18 AM

I bet. We are opposites, in many ways. We are politically, religiously, and ideologically very different, but it works for us.
The one thing we believe in is that one must respect another's opinions and ideas regardless of whether we agree or not. We have actually changed each other quite a bit, each in each other's direction. We have grown a great deal as a family because of it. I can't imagine it differently, with someone who just agrees with me, or argues just to do it (been there).

05-15-2006, 07:53 AM	#1
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Someone with less baggage Its been awhile since I've posted or given you guys an update, but here we go. Friday was like any other day with her - we went out shopping for my new wardrobe, talked, held hands and just enjoyed being with each other. Saturday we saw a movie, laughed, loved and parted ways. It has been the most beautiful and special 7 months that I can remember. We talked of finally getting to meet and know each others family and Last night, after 7 months, my YW (23 - I'm 41) tells me out of the blue that she doesn't know if this is what she wants - she can't handle the fact that I have 3 kids and is very disappointed that I won't be able to spend Memorial day weekend with her as I will have the kids. Perhaps - she calmly states - "I think I just need to find someone with less baggage. Theres no way I can do this until your kids are all grown and have lives of their own." =(( my heart just sank. Then she says that she needs to go to bed and can't get into it cuz she has to get up early for class. (She'll graduate in the fall) After a long sleepless tear-filled night I talked to her this am and she just said she wasn't acting out on her thoughts and that she just wanted me to know how she felt. She is really disappointed that we can't be together for the long weekend and doesn't want my kids to hate her - which always happens with a divorced dads new woman. I am completely crushed. - Happy 7th anniversary.

05-15-2006, 10:17 AM	#2
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	Chin up, man. You'll pull through -- maybe with her, maybe without. There's still a huge maturity difference between 23 and 42, and it's rearing its ugly head here. Your kids better always come first, or you'll regret it later. If and when she grows up enough to realize that you have responsibilities that are independent of her agenda, she'll come around. __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

05-15-2006, 03:40 PM	#6
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	That's true, also. But the number of naive 20-year-olds seems to be increasing exponentially. __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

05-16-2006, 08:54 AM	#12
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	I have a friend who's dad is dating a woman only like, ten years older than her. She says it's kind of weird sometimes but not quite creepy, and sometimes its kind of cool with someone that close to her own age. __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

05-16-2006, 09:18 AM	#15
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	I bet. We are opposites, in many ways. We are politically, religiously, and ideologically very different, but it works for us. The one thing we believe in is that one must respect another's opinions and ideas regardless of whether we agree or not. We have actually changed each other quite a bit, each in each other's direction. We have grown a great deal as a family because of it. I can't imagine it differently, with someone who just agrees with me, or argues just to do it (been there). Last edited by rkzenrage; 05-16-2006 at 04:06 PM.

05-15-2006, 10:32 AM	#3
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Is the lesson here that Twinkies are cheap and taste good but have no nutritional value?

05-15-2006, 10:56 AM	#4
Stormieweather Wearing her bitch boots Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Floriduh Posts: 1,181	As painful as it was for you, I'm giving her kudos for her honesty. Particularly for recognizing her doubts and verbalizing them *before* meeting your children. A woman who is disinterested or even resentful of your children will not make a good step-parent. She may just be nervous and afraid, but I wouldn't push her either way. A happy 'blended' family is going to entail a lot of baggage (there is an ex to consider as well) and in order to be successful, everyone has to be committed to it. The age difference may or may not be the 'issue'. I dated a 39 year old when I was 21 and it was wonderful. However, his only child was 18 (almost like a sibling..lol) and didn't require any parenting or babysitting by me. The relationship ended when he made it clear he was done having children, and I hadn't even started. In your girlfriend's case, I think she is being quite mature about her limitations and abilities. As MrNoodle says, your children should come first. There are many women who would welcome them. But trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole won't be successful and most likely will end up hurting everyone involved. Good luck, and I'm sorry for you that this turn in the relationship has happened. Stormie

05-16-2006, 08:19 AM	#8
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Thanks guys and gals - We had another discussion last night and she is really scared that we will not be able to overcome the parenting issues because of the kids ages (17, 16, 14) and that her initial reaction was to run. She has been in a couple relationships with some real losers who have hurt her badly and she is not used to being with a guy like me who treats her well. She was feeling like I was turning on her and that the kids were more important to me. They are and I told her that in no uncertain circumstances. However, I also told her that she meant a lot to me and that I want to work this out with her as a couple and not let it be a devisive issue. She has lupus which prevents her from having any children of her own so that is a another issue we have in front of us. She also sid that it is hard for her to deal with the fact that every other weekend I have them and cannot see her. I know this is temporary, but her perspective is different than mine and she sees it as a major issue. We're trying to work it out. Any advice on this end of things - the kids - Dads new Girl - potential Stepmom who is very young???

05-16-2006, 08:23 AM	#9
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Well done. Sounds like she is not used to being told where the boundaries are and exactly how the other party feels and why. No games. Some people can deal without games, if you find one, work at it, I say. I hope it works out for both of you and your children.

05-16-2006, 08:33 AM	#10
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	We are both sick of the games, yet her previous bf's have conditioned her a bit and I have to bring her back to reality a bit every now and again.

05-16-2006, 08:44 AM	#11
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Yeah, those conditioned responces are hard to get over. But, it is worth it if they want to do so. My wife is from a whole family of game players, her mother is a champion. She is great and has gotten past it, when she goes back to it she does not get ticked when called on it, much.

05-16-2006, 08:56 AM	#13
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	We can adapt to any situation... it constantly fascinates me.

05-16-2006, 08:59 AM	#14
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	At least she is honest with me and tells me how she feels and what she thinks - many times its contrary to what I think or feel and that opens a lot of constructive conversations, which is in stark contrast to my ex. VERY refreshing.

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