I did it again

[anonymous]

So I did it again today. The second time this summer. About a month after when I first did it.

I told her, a year ago that if I ever put my hands on her she should be through with me, no excuses. And then one month ago I pushed her out of my way. The story behind that is unimportant, I wasn't taking out my anger on her, but on the situation, which also is irrelevant. But I did push her, but she didn't fall.

That night she thought about leaving me, but she didn't. After I had collected myself I realized how much of a dick I am. I apologized but she knew her argument was vastly superior to mine. All I could tell her was "I know I have no defense, but don't you feel the way I do, it shouldn't end, not now." And she forgave me and we're doing fine.

Until today. I was at the grocery store, in public. The scenario again is unimportant and I will not share it. But with anger directed towards her I grabbed both her arms, by the tricep. And I looked at her intensely annoyed. Then I squeezed, harder which made her shake. For an unknown reason I let go of her but still felt much anger toward her about the situation. But the damage was done. I knew I had seriously messed up about a minute later, but I didn't know if I should spontaneously apologize or wait until later when she would be more sensible in her thoughts and actions. What irony. Why can't I be more sensible in mine.

I never thought for an instant I'd be one who'd abuse his significant other, I find those people disgusting and cowardly. But....I did it again. And now I don't even know if I am worthy for her. I certainly do not feel any self worth. But I am so selfish, and I don't want to lose her. I've called her 6 times tonight to see where she is. And now I am waiting for her call.

I know she loves me, she knows I love her. Our relationship is very good cumulatively as of now. Very strong.

But I did it again.