Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 243

Sheldonrs · 09-02-2010, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigV

You know the difference between erotic and kinky, don't you?

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the chicken's hole!

Fixed it for ya.

BigV · 09-02-2010, 05:27 PM

true....

but not exclusively so.

there's a lot you can do with a cock that doesn't require a hole.

But that's another thread entirely.

Nirvana · 09-02-2010, 06:11 PM

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

The End

GunMaster357 · 09-03-2010, 09:15 AM

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.

She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

squirell nutkin · 09-03-2010, 10:26 AM

When the construction crew moved to their next jobsite there was a little boy who would come by and watch them working. One day he came home and asked his mom for a length of string. She handed him a length of string and he said "Help me snap a line."
"OK" she replied thinking it was cute that he was playing carpenter.
The little boy pulled the string taught and eyeballed the line.
"OK, mom mover it to the right just a cunt hair."
Shocked, his mother let go of the string, stood up and said,
"I most certainly will not do any such thing! Now you pick up that string and take it right to your room."
Dropping the string, the boy looked at her saying,
"Fuck if I will, that's a laborer's job"

toranokaze · 09-04-2010, 03:08 AM

A perfect jobsite picture

skysidhe · 09-04-2010, 09:33 AM

self-portrait

skysidhe · 09-04-2010, 09:57 AM

The Adventures of God

by Lev Novak on April 09, 2010

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1803435

I
God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.
Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.
God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.
(pause)
Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness?
God: No. I’m thinking “flood”.
Noah: So you’d rather just kill every-
God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?

II
God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.
Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?
God: Yes.
Moses: Awesome.
God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.
Moses: …ten?
God: Is there a problem?
Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?
God: No. For you see Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.
Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.
God: Yes.
Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.
God: Yes.

Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?

God: ...
Moses: Are there any other God’s up there I can talk to?

III
Mary: Did you send the child support?
God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah.
Mary Annnnnd?
God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold.
Mary: That’s better.

IV
Job: …
God: Well, this is awkward.

V
God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself.
Abraham: As you wish, my lord.
God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.

monster · 09-04-2010, 10:49 AM

^I know, lame comment, but I did laugh

squirell nutkin · 09-04-2010, 11:08 AM

Two hikers were in the woods when a distant grizzly bear spotted them and began to charge. one of the hikers frantically began to remove his boots and change into sneakers. His partner said "What are you doing? You'll never be able to out run that bear."
The hiker looked at his friend and said, "I don't have to out run the bear, I only have to out run you."

09-04-2010, 10:25 PM

If it is all about humor that people want, why not try saying something onhow Mayweather gave racist comments about a boxer he cannot pug. He said he was just having fun. Any comments on this?

xoxoxoBruce · 09-05-2010, 02:02 AM

Welcome to the Cellar, henzbelmont.
You forgot to include the punchline...
or you're in the wrong thread.

monster · 09-05-2010, 05:44 PM

A neutron walks in to a bar and orders a drink.

"How much?" he asks.

The bartender says "For you, no charge."

squirell nutkin · 09-05-2010, 06:04 PM

An atom said to his friend, "I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?" his friend asked.
"I'm positive."

SteveDallas · 09-05-2010, 10:19 PM

My friend told me I didn't understand irony. Which was ironic, because we were waiting in line at the movies.

09-02-2010, 05:27 PM	#3632
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	true.... but not exclusively so. there's a lot you can do with a cock that doesn't require a hole. But that's another thread entirely. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

09-02-2010, 06:11 PM	#3633
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..." The End __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

09-03-2010, 09:15 AM	#3634
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

09-03-2010, 10:26 AM	#3635
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	When the construction crew moved to their next jobsite there was a little boy who would come by and watch them working. One day he came home and asked his mom for a length of string. She handed him a length of string and he said "Help me snap a line." "OK" she replied thinking it was cute that he was playing carpenter. The little boy pulled the string taught and eyeballed the line. "OK, mom mover it to the right just a cunt hair." Shocked, his mother let go of the string, stood up and said, "I most certainly will not do any such thing! Now you pick up that string and take it right to your room." Dropping the string, the boy looked at her saying, "Fuck if I will, that's a laborer's job" __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

09-04-2010, 03:08 AM	#3636
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	A perfect jobsite picture __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

09-04-2010, 09:33 AM	#3637
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	self-portrait Attached Images

09-04-2010, 09:57 AM	#3638
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	The Adventures of God by Lev Novak on April 09, 2010 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1803435 I God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous. Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet. God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood. (pause) Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness? God: No. I’m thinking “flood”. Noah: So you’d rather just kill every- God: What part of “flood” do you not understand? II God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt. Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right? God: Yes. Moses: Awesome. God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues. Moses: …ten? God: Is there a problem? Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max? God: No. For you see Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me. Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery. God: Yes. Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people. God: Yes. Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture? God: ... Moses: Are there any other God’s up there I can talk to? III Mary: Did you send the child support? God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah. Mary Annnnnd? God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold. Mary: That’s better. IV Job: … God: Well, this is awkward. V God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself. Abraham: As you wish, my lord. God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.

09-04-2010, 10:49 AM	#3639
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	^I know, lame comment, but I did laugh __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

09-04-2010, 11:08 AM	#3640
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	Two hikers were in the woods when a distant grizzly bear spotted them and began to charge. one of the hikers frantically began to remove his boots and change into sneakers. His partner said "What are you doing? You'll never be able to out run that bear." The hiker looked at his friend and said, "I don't have to out run the bear, I only have to out run you." __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

09-04-2010, 10:25 PM	#3641
henzbelmont Guest Posts: n/a	If it is all about humor that people want, why not try saying something onhow Mayweather gave racist comments about a boxer he cannot pug. He said he was just having fun. Any comments on this?

09-05-2010, 02:02 AM	#3642
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Welcome to the Cellar, henzbelmont. You forgot to include the punchline... or you're in the wrong thread. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

09-05-2010, 05:44 PM	#3643
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	A neutron walks in to a bar and orders a drink. "How much?" he asks. The bartender says "For you, no charge." __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

09-05-2010, 06:04 PM	#3644
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	An atom said to his friend, "I think I lost an electron." "Are you sure?" his friend asked. "I'm positive." __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

09-05-2010, 10:19 PM	#3645
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	My friend told me I didn't understand irony. Which was ironic, because we were waiting in line at the movies.

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