Humor...I Need Humor...

[BrianR]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,”the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained.
“It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner”?

[sixfeet]

As I was reading Plthijinx's Texas quarters to my hubby he started going through his change so in the middle of the story I picked on him if he was that intrested he better get to Wal-mart and get one trying to keep a straight face I finished the story by the last word I could have sworn he was going to throw his change at me...lol thank you Plthijinx That was well worth it.

[plthijinx]

Originally posted by sixfeet
As I was reading Plthijinx's Texas quarters to my hubby he started going through his change so in the middle of the story I picked on him if he was that intrested he better get to Wal-mart and get one trying to keep a straight face I finished the story by the last word I could have sworn he was going to throw his change at me...lol thank you Plthijinx That was well worth it.

LOL! that made it worth the post!!!

[plthijinx]

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell.

At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. Clinton will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. Three doors appear before Clinton.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!"

The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large pool of dirty water.

Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so." The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before Ken is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

"I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you may go."

[Radar]

A married couple is trying to do the bills and they realize after the husband's layoff they won't be able to pay them. They're afraid of losing their house and try to think of a way to pay the bills. Desperate, the wife says, "I guess I could become a prostitute."

The husband says, "That's horrible, we can't do that." But after some careful consideration they figure it's the only way so they decide to do it. The wife gets dressed up and they go to a corner.

A man pulls up in a car and she gets in. The man asks, "How much for sex?". The woman never went over prices with her husband so she says, "Wait a minute, I'll be right back" and she gets out of the car goes up to her husband and asks, "What do I charge for sex?" The husband replies, "I don't know, how about a hundred dollars?"

The woman gets back in the car and says, "That's a hundred dollars" and the customer says, "That's too much. How much for a blowjob?" She get's out of the car and asks her husband how much to charge for a blowjob. He says, "40 dollars".

So the woman gets back into the car and says, "40 dollars". The man says, "That's too much too. How much for a handjob?" She gets out of the car, asks her husband and he says, "20 bucks".

She gets back in the car and says, "It's 20 bucks". The John says, "Ok, it's a deal." He gives her $20, unzips his fly and pulls out the biggest dick she's ever seen. The guy is huge. She says, "Hold on a minute" gets out of the car, walks up to her husband and says, "Honey, can I borrow a hundred dollars?"

[SteveDallas]

Originally posted by Elionwyr
How many computer programers does it take to change a light bulb?


None... "Um yah, thats a, uh, hardware problem."

Q: How is computer programming like sex?

A: If you make one mistake, you support it for the rest of your life



A distinguished professor of mathematics came into his office at the university one morning and found a pile of paper burning. Next to the fire was a bucket of water. He picked up the bucket, put out the fire with the water, and sat down to work.

A week later, when he came to work, he saw there was another fire. There was also a bucket of water in the far corner of his office. He picked up the bucket, carried it over, sat it next to the fire, and sat down to work.

After all, he had reduced the problem to one which was known to be solvable.

[Happy Monkey]

There are only two industries which refer to their customers as users.

[dar512]

A university comes up with a way to help students decide between a mathematics major or an engineering major.

They line the candidates up along one side of the gym. On the other side they line up attractive members of the opposite sex. Then they are given the following instructions: Every ten seconds you may walk half way to your partner on the opposite side. When you reach your partner you may kiss him or her as the case may be.

Some of the candidates leave and become mathematicians. The others stay and become engineers.

Because the mathematicians know that it is impossible to reach the other side given the directions.

But the engineers know they will get close enough for practical purposes.

[plthijinx]

Owed to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

[plthijinx]

This should be in every pilot's manual..................

Why Airplanes are Easier to Live with than Women:

Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".

Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes
you've flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women,
it's usually not good.

[Undertoad]

And the thing you pray for the most is that they don't go down on you...?

[plthijinx]

Originally posted by Undertoad
And the thing you pray for the most is that they don't go down on you...?

no doubt! planes anyway! almost one time though, over I-10 at night in between Beaumont and Houston. i was able to troubleshoot the problem though before merging into traffic from above!

[Granola Goddess]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be
single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the cab
driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they
get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

[Cyclefrance]

A winter's tale.....

(Don't forget to continue...)

[plthijinx]

UPS man

One Monday morning a UPS man is driving thru the
neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both
cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The UPS man comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night,
this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday
morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds,
"your name was guessed four or five times."