More bad karma. Or something.

orthodoc · 07-25-2012, 07:04 PM

Wow. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have a breast mass. A big, honking lump in my right breast.

Found it two nights ago, inadvertently. There it was. Huge. How did I miss it before?

I think I have felt it before, actually – maybe a couple years or more ago. Just as big. And then it disappeared. So could it be a hormone-responsive fibroadenoma? God, I hope so.

On the plus side, I haven’t lost weight, haven’t been ill, I’m slim, I eat a low-fat diet that’s mostly whole plant foods. No unusual bone pain, cough, weird CNS symptoms. On the minus side, I’m 52, haven’t had a mammogram in 12 years, I drink alcohol (it's a possible risk factor), I had my first baby above 20 years old (really, do we all have to be teen mothers to not get breast cancer?).

I dithered a day, then went and got seen today. And the FP guy felt it too. Measured it at 2 x 2.5 cm. SHIT. That’s Tumor Stage 2 – T2 – right off. I have a little tender axillary node, but honestly it just came up last week and I can’t see that it could be malignant. It’s tiny, mobile, and tender – reactive. Not malignant. Don’t think about that.

But someone besides me says the lump is there, it exists, and I have a diagnostic mammogram booked for next Tuesday morning. Now I have to get through this weekend in Colorado with my daughter, our fun cowgirl weekend together, and not let on. I’m glad the mammogram isn’t tomorrow, actually – if it were, and I got bad news, it’d be much harder to keep it from her. I WILL have this weekend, have fun, enjoy my daughter, and not let this cast a shadow. If it’s bad news, it can wait until next week.

I just have to convince myself of that tonight.

I feel like screaming.

I can’t let my ex know. My big fear – he’ll just suck me right back in, take over, control everything, consume me. I have to think about how I’ll handle things if this IS malignant. After all I’ve been through, after all I had to do to get away … I can’t go back. He’ll want me back, want to remarry me and put me back on his health insurance. Health insurance, or the lack of it, is a scary thing. I have it now through my training program in WV; but if I do have cancer and need expensive treatment, will I be able to finish my residency? Will I lose my insurance if I can't continue? Will I be able to get work after, and get insurance given a pre-existing diagnosis of cancer? Will I be left with no insurance?

I’m panicking and that can’t happen. This will probably turn out to be a fibroadenoma. Except I’ve never had fibrocystic disease, ever. I’ve never had a cyst or a breast lump. Pretty strange for it to happen all of a sudden at 52. Not likely.

This is probably cancer. I’m going to get the diagnosis next week. And then what? Will I be up to doing my residency, to the MPH grad courses? So many questions. Not many positive answers.

I won’t die from this, I refuse. Holy shit, after all I’ve been through!!! After all the terrorizing, all the death threats, all the fear, the wasted time, the regrets.
I just can’t stand the pure bad karma I seem to have. One thing after another. I can’t seem to catch a break.

Tomorrow I’m going to the new student orientation for my MPH. I’ll sit there, join in the discussions, have lunch with everyone, and I won’t even know if I’ll be there at the classes. Next week my life could change completely. I know, I could get run over by a bus tomorrow and that would change my life too. But this … it’s like knowing that bus is coming next Tuesday, nothing I can do about it, and I may or may not survive the collision.

Griff · 07-25-2012, 07:18 PM

I'm so sorry. Be strong.

Trilby · 07-25-2012, 07:49 PM

Orthodoc - take a deep breath.

I survived stage 3 breast cancer. This may not be malig.-
It may be a cyst - it's mobile & that is good. Mine was not.

Pm me anytime if you want more info.
Hugs. Best vibes your way!

BigV · 07-25-2012, 08:06 PM

If you believe in karma, then good. Think of it this way: "it" waited until you had your previous world changing crisis behind you. You've already survived. You already know you can face uncertainty, calamity, danger, etc. and prevail. You're already a survivor. Karma's doing you a favor. [/pollyanna]

Now.

Cancer's a favor to no one. But you will find that worrying about specific details like you already clearly know is bad enough, don't add in worry about details you don't know. What kind of masochist are you anyhow?

You're tough, smart and strong. That's a good combination for any set of circumstances. You'd want you on your team--congratulations, wish granted. You've never been in a better situation to handle whatever this is. And that *is* in your favor.

orthodoc · 07-25-2012, 08:43 PM

Thank you all, more than you know ... holding onto your good thoughts tonight. Tomorrow will be better, I know. Thanks. Sorry about the hysteria.

monster · 07-25-2012, 09:47 PM

You'll be just fine. Cancer or not. My friend had stage 4 and is doing just fine. She's one of many friends who fonud lumps/masses. All the others were benign.

Aliantha · 07-25-2012, 10:01 PM

Yeah, what everyone else has said. Breast cancer is not a death sentence. It might mean a change of lifestyle for a while, but after, you'll be fine. So many women find lumps and have them removed and then have precautionary treatment 'just in case' and never have any other problems. Once your body is over 40, you start growing all sorts of strange things in strange places. Don't be freaked out. Just follow the steps and get it all sorted.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-25-2012, 11:07 PM

Have a great weekend, there's nothing gained by worrying before you have confirmation there's really something to worry about. Worst case, you'll get it taken care of... and save money on hair dressers for a little while. It'll make a great story to tell your great-great-grandchildren.

Pico and ME · 07-25-2012, 11:32 PM

Perhaps this is just stress related? You didnt mention, do you drink a lot of coffee?

BigV · 07-26-2012, 12:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pico and ME

Perhaps this is just stress related? You didnt mention, do you drink a lot of coffee?

yeah, but not with her boobs!

Sundae · 07-26-2012, 05:38 AM

What they all said.
In simplistic terms, what is happening is alrady happening.
Finding out is the beginning of a different journey.

Don't borrow trouble this weekend.
Have the best time you can have.
Anything that needs to be faced will still be there for you when you get back.

Much love to you though. A horrible thing to discover.

glatt · 07-26-2012, 08:02 AM

ortho, I'm sorry you're going through this scare. Try not to think about it, and just enjoy your weekend. You've got a plan and you are doing everything you can do right now.

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BigV · 07-26-2012, 10:13 AM

The Bobby McFerrin Flowchart of Life.

Trilby · 07-26-2012, 11:03 AM

"I cannot say that I am happy that I was sick, but I am glad, if it had to happen, that it brought me to the place I am now. It's a better place than a I was before." - Marilyn French.

BrianR · 07-26-2012, 11:11 AM

I once had a cancer scare (pancreas) and had treatments "just in case".

It turned out to be nothing more than an overcautious doctor. I remember how my world came crashing in when I heard the C word and how elated I felt when it turned out that the first doctor was just an idiot. I really can't count myself among "cancer survivors" but I can count myself among those who took chemo. And survived.

Hang in there, this WILL turn out to be nothing at all!

Love

Pamela

07-25-2012, 07:04 PM	#1
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	More bad karma. Or something. Wow. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have a breast mass. A big, honking lump in my right breast. Found it two nights ago, inadvertently. There it was. Huge. How did I miss it before? I think I have felt it before, actually – maybe a couple years or more ago. Just as big. And then it disappeared. So could it be a hormone-responsive fibroadenoma? God, I hope so. On the plus side, I haven’t lost weight, haven’t been ill, I’m slim, I eat a low-fat diet that’s mostly whole plant foods. No unusual bone pain, cough, weird CNS symptoms. On the minus side, I’m 52, haven’t had a mammogram in 12 years, I drink alcohol (it's a possible risk factor), I had my first baby above 20 years old (really, do we all have to be teen mothers to not get breast cancer?). I dithered a day, then went and got seen today. And the FP guy felt it too. Measured it at 2 x 2.5 cm. SHIT. That’s Tumor Stage 2 – T2 – right off. I have a little tender axillary node, but honestly it just came up last week and I can’t see that it could be malignant. It’s tiny, mobile, and tender – reactive. Not malignant. Don’t think about that. But someone besides me says the lump is there, it exists, and I have a diagnostic mammogram booked for next Tuesday morning. Now I have to get through this weekend in Colorado with my daughter, our fun cowgirl weekend together, and not let on. I’m glad the mammogram isn’t tomorrow, actually – if it were, and I got bad news, it’d be much harder to keep it from her. I WILL have this weekend, have fun, enjoy my daughter, and not let this cast a shadow. If it’s bad news, it can wait until next week. I just have to convince myself of that tonight. I feel like screaming. I can’t let my ex know. My big fear – he’ll just suck me right back in, take over, control everything, consume me. I have to think about how I’ll handle things if this IS malignant. After all I’ve been through, after all I had to do to get away … I can’t go back. He’ll want me back, want to remarry me and put me back on his health insurance. Health insurance, or the lack of it, is a scary thing. I have it now through my training program in WV; but if I do have cancer and need expensive treatment, will I be able to finish my residency? Will I lose my insurance if I can't continue? Will I be able to get work after, and get insurance given a pre-existing diagnosis of cancer? Will I be left with no insurance? I’m panicking and that can’t happen. This will probably turn out to be a fibroadenoma. Except I’ve never had fibrocystic disease, ever. I’ve never had a cyst or a breast lump. Pretty strange for it to happen all of a sudden at 52. Not likely. This is probably cancer. I’m going to get the diagnosis next week. And then what? Will I be up to doing my residency, to the MPH grad courses? So many questions. Not many positive answers. I won’t die from this, I refuse. Holy shit, after all I’ve been through!!! After all the terrorizing, all the death threats, all the fear, the wasted time, the regrets. I just can’t stand the pure bad karma I seem to have. One thing after another. I can’t seem to catch a break. Tomorrow I’m going to the new student orientation for my MPH. I’ll sit there, join in the discussions, have lunch with everyone, and I won’t even know if I’ll be there at the classes. Next week my life could change completely. I know, I could get run over by a bus tomorrow and that would change my life too. But this … it’s like knowing that bus is coming next Tuesday, nothing I can do about it, and I may or may not survive the collision. __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi

07-25-2012, 07:18 PM	#2
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	I'm so sorry. Be strong. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

07-25-2012, 07:49 PM	#3
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Orthodoc - take a deep breath. I survived stage 3 breast cancer. This may not be malig.- It may be a cyst - it's mobile & that is good. Mine was not. Pm me anytime if you want more info. Hugs. Best vibes your way! __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

07-25-2012, 08:06 PM	#4
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	If you believe in karma, then good. Think of it this way: "it" waited until you had your previous world changing crisis behind you. You've already survived. You already know you can face uncertainty, calamity, danger, etc. and prevail. You're already a survivor. Karma's doing you a favor. [/pollyanna] Now. Cancer's a favor to no one. But you will find that worrying about specific details like you already clearly know is bad enough, don't add in worry about details you don't know. What kind of masochist are you anyhow? You're tough, smart and strong. That's a good combination for any set of circumstances. You'd want you on your team--congratulations, wish granted. You've never been in a better situation to handle whatever this is. And that is in your favor. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

07-25-2012, 08:43 PM	#5
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	Thank you all, more than you know ... holding onto your good thoughts tonight. Tomorrow will be better, I know. Thanks. Sorry about the hysteria. __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi Last edited by orthodoc; 07-25-2012 at 08:52 PM.

07-25-2012, 09:47 PM	#6
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	You'll be just fine. Cancer or not. My friend had stage 4 and is doing just fine. She's one of many friends who fonud lumps/masses. All the others were benign. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

07-25-2012, 10:01 PM	#7
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Yeah, what everyone else has said. Breast cancer is not a death sentence. It might mean a change of lifestyle for a while, but after, you'll be fine. So many women find lumps and have them removed and then have precautionary treatment 'just in case' and never have any other problems. Once your body is over 40, you start growing all sorts of strange things in strange places. Don't be freaked out. Just follow the steps and get it all sorted. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

07-25-2012, 11:07 PM	#8
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Have a great weekend, there's nothing gained by worrying before you have confirmation there's really something to worry about. Worst case, you'll get it taken care of... and save money on hair dressers for a little while. It'll make a great story to tell your great-great-grandchildren. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-25-2012, 11:32 PM	#9
Pico and ME Are you knock-kneed? Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Middle Hoosierland Posts: 3,549	Perhaps this is just stress related? You didnt mention, do you drink a lot of coffee? __________________ Jesse LaGreca in 2012 “Seven Deadly Sins: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Science without humanity, Knowledge without character, Politics without principle, Commerce without morality, Worship without sacrifice.” – Mahatma Gandhi

07-26-2012, 05:38 AM	#11
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	What they all said. In simplistic terms, what is happening is alrady happening. Finding out is the beginning of a different journey. Don't borrow trouble this weekend. Have the best time you can have. Anything that needs to be faced will still be there for you when you get back. Much love to you though. A horrible thing to discover. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

07-26-2012, 08:02 AM	#12
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	ortho, I'm sorry you're going through this scare. Try not to think about it, and just enjoy your weekend. You've got a plan and you are doing everything you can do right now.

07-26-2012, 10:13 AM	#13
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	The Bobby McFerrin Flowchart of Life. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

07-26-2012, 11:03 AM	#14
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	"I cannot say that I am happy that I was sick, but I am glad, if it had to happen, that it brought me to the place I am now. It's a better place than a I was before." - Marilyn French. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

07-26-2012, 11:11 AM	#15
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	I once had a cancer scare (pancreas) and had treatments "just in case". It turned out to be nothing more than an overcautious doctor. I remember how my world came crashing in when I heard the C word and how elated I felt when it turned out that the first doctor was just an idiot. I really can't count myself among "cancer survivors" but I can count myself among those who took chemo. And survived. Hang in there, this WILL turn out to be nothing at all! Love Pamela __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

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