A Not So Happy New Year

[Dagney]

I thought, for a while, that things were nearly perfect, and that nothing could go ‘wrong’. Boy, was I mistaken. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned publicly or not, that my Grandmother has been ill for the past few months. It’s been a struggle, because we haven’t been able to figure out exactly what it is that’s wrong with her. She’s been having pain that shows in different parts of her body, and goes away just as mysteriously. She’ll have a streak of good days, or weeks, and then head right back downhill again. It’s mystified the doctors, it’s frustrated us, because we’ve not been able to help her, and it’s worried us, quite a bit.

Tuesday, we found out what was wrong, and where we’re headed with things. Gram was scheduled to have an MRI to figure out where some suspected pressure fractures were in her back. The doctors were planning on putting some sort of ‘bone glue’ in her back to relieve the pain and pressure that she’s been dealing with. It was a ‘fix’ but not a ‘solution’ – they still weren’t sure where the fractures were coming from in the first place. The ambulance showed up, took her to the hospital, and she started the test. From what I was told, she wasn’t able to finish it – the pain was too bad, and they had to stop things to help her out. They gave her morphine right away, and it barely touched the pain. She couldn’t figure out how to use the PCA pump to give herself doses of the drug, she was too out of it from the pain, and the drugs that she had already had. The doctors told my Mom and Aunt that they saw evidence of bone cancer from what they got from the test, and that things were not looking very promising. Tuesday evening, the family was discussing calling Hospice to bring Grammy home, to make her comfortable, and let her live out her last days with us.
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Yesterday, the doctors did a bone scan, and a CAT scan, after making sure she was asleep and as comfortable as they could make her. When the results came back, they were dismal. She has tumors all along her spine, which is where the pain in her back is coming from. She has tumors in her lungs, and a fairly large tumor in her throat, which is making it difficult for her to breathe and eat. The doctors said that she was already fairly de-hydrated, and it wouldn’t take long for her organs to start shutting down. When my Grandfather got sick, both of my grandparents signed living wills, asking that if they got to a point where modern medicine could not return them to the lives that they were accustomed to, that the family was to do whatever they could to make them comfortable, and let nature take its course. Last night, my Mom and Aunt decided that giving Gram food and water was only going to prolong her agony and rob her of whatever peace she has left in life.
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So now we’re waiting. She’s sleeping, and will probably never wake up again. Mom said that whenever she does wake up, all she can do is whisper ‘help me’. They’ve upped her dose of morphine, and the doctor tells us that she does not have any awareness of what’s going on around her. Without water, she’ll probably go on for another day or so.

It is so hard to comprehend how quickly all of this happened. She was vibrant and vital just a few weeks ago, and now, that woman is gone. All that we have of her is a memory. I’ve been debating going to the hospital or not. Both Mom and Aunt have said that if I don’t go to the hospital, they’ll understand. That Gram knows that I love her, and going to see her, when she doesn’t know I’m there, isn’t going to do any good for her. <o =""></o>

The problem is, I didn’t get to say good bye to my grandfather – he died so suddenly, and I was too sick to be around the family when it happened. I think about that from time to time – and it really bothers me. I don’t want to feel that way with my Gram.
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So, this is where I am right now – and why I haven’t felt like posting happy year end resolutions, and looking forward to 2005. Because one of the people who is the most important in my life, won’t be there to share it with me.
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I love you Gram…may your journey to Glory be quick and painless, and may you reap the rewards of the love you have sown your entire life. You will live in my heart forever. <o =""></o>