Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 73

xoxoxoBruce · 11-18-2006, 10:02 PM

SUPERTELEVANGELISTIC SEX-AND-DRUGS PSYCHOSIS
Parody of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"

I used to be a master of the anti-gay crusade
Until a butch disaster blew my pastor masquerade
But if it's true I'm pounding more than pulpits, don't blame me
It's 'cause I caught my hooker-tweaker-stud's infirmity

It's
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
Worse than plague and bird flu crossed with osteoporosis
We were playing doctor and he gave this diagnosis:
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis

Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye
Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye

I found the perfect therapist - the kind that gives massage
I like to drive my Escort and I park in his garage
I swear he only serves me crank when all his Coke is gone
And then he helps me straighten out my Peter, James, and John

Blame
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
That's my greatest guilty pleasure next to Guns N' Roses
Good thing there's no ban on it in all the books of Moses
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis

Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye
Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye

It seems all pious public figures bugger on the sly
But Jesus loved republicans and sinners; so must I
Say "Holy moley, Mister Foley! That boy's underage!"
But I believe the congressman has turned another page

Oh!
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
Next time, better cut me off at handshakes and Mimosas
No more meth or men for me - at least in overdoses!
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis!

(Just a spoonful of crystal helps the prostitute go down...)

BigV · 11-30-2006, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skysidhe

A Letter to Dad

Letter home from school...

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.

Love,
Your $on.

A week later..... a letter from "home"

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

$ky$idhe:

If you're going in intercept, read and po$t my mail, plea$e cary on and and an$wer it a$ well, won't you?

12-07-2006, 04:03 PM

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-inTV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

(Yup... my son would be sharing my chair...)

xoxoxoBruce · 12-10-2006, 08:37 AM

THE CRICKET

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.
Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An all-rounder.
Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

Sundae · 12-10-2006, 08:53 AM

- yes we deserve it

Can I at least salvage some national pride by suggesting that those jokes are so cutting they were written by someone English?

skysidhe · 11-24-2006, 09:24 AM

lol

ok here are some actual anologies some high school teacher collected.

http://writingenglish.wordpress.com/...lish-teachers/

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

hehehe I think that last one was cute.

Ibby · 11-24-2006, 10:10 AM

I call bullshit, one of those is Terry Pratchett.

Stress Puppy · 11-24-2006, 01:55 PM

Another is Douglas Adams. Rocks are too big says I.

skysidhe · 11-24-2006, 03:23 PM

So this person lied?

A rose by any other name and all. Shakesphere.

ps. ....oh and don't shoot the messenger

DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER -- From "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings" by Gregory Y. Titelman: "Don't shoot the messenger. Don't blame the person who brings bad news. This idea was expressed by Sophocles as far back as 442 B.C. and much later by Shakespeare in 'Henry IV, Part II' (1598) and in 'Antony and Cleopatra' (1606-07) The word kill may be used as a substitute for 'shoot.'" Related saying: "Don't shoot the piano-player; he's doing the best he can. Don't hurt innocent people. Originated in the United States in the Wild West, around 1860. During his 1883 tour of the United States, Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) saw this saying on a notice in a Leadville, Colorado, saloon. It is sometimes attributed to Mark Twain, but neither Wilde nor Twain has ever claimed authority."

Sophocles probably called bullshit on Shakesphere.

Shocker · 11-24-2006, 04:50 PM

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. Don't resist his advances, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."

Stress Puppy · 11-25-2006, 08:23 AM

I doubt the site's author is full of it, but I bet the writers have read some funny books recently.

BrianR · 11-30-2006, 11:51 AM

POSITIVE: Item shipped quickly, have been having erotic dreams about seller. Thanks!

POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should've poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities.

NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised.

NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents.

POSITIVE: I don't really remember what I ordered. But I've been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it's great!

NEGATIVE: Product didn't work, possibly broken. I woke up this morning and was disappointed to find I still believe in Jesus Christ our Savior.

POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the "Rolex". HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bhats via Eastern Union Moneygram.

POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks!

NEGATIVE: The dog won't hunt.

NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it's a size 34, not a 63 as advertised.

NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe.

POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I've ever bought. Allah Akbar!

NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24.

POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio... was that you?

POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+!

NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair.

NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I'd hoped.

Shocker · 11-27-2006, 10:10 AM

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEPING STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID, "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE; SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER..........

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID..............

"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX.

xoxoxoBruce · 11-28-2006, 04:14 PM

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married.
He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. And her father is a doctor.
She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is this wonderful girl's name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

Clodfobble · 11-29-2006, 10:00 AM

True story: when my gay Jewish friend came out to his mother, she said, "Well, if it's gonna be a boy, at least let it be a nice Jewish boy."

11-18-2006, 10:02 PM	#1
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	SUPERTELEVANGELISTIC SEX-AND-DRUGS PSYCHOSIS Parody of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" I used to be a master of the anti-gay crusade Until a butch disaster blew my pastor masquerade But if it's true I'm pounding more than pulpits, don't blame me It's 'cause I caught my hooker-tweaker-stud's infirmity It's Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis Worse than plague and bird flu crossed with osteoporosis We were playing doctor and he gave this diagnosis: Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye I found the perfect therapist - the kind that gives massage I like to drive my Escort and I park in his garage I swear he only serves me crank when all his Coke is gone And then he helps me straighten out my Peter, James, and John Blame Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis That's my greatest guilty pleasure next to Guns N' Roses Good thing there's no ban on it in all the books of Moses Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye It seems all pious public figures bugger on the sly But Jesus loved republicans and sinners; so must I Say "Holy moley, Mister Foley! That boy's underage!" But I believe the congressman has turned another page Oh! Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis Next time, better cut me off at handshakes and Mimosas No more meth or men for me - at least in overdoses! Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis! (Just a spoonful of crystal helps the prostitute go down...) __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-10-2006, 08:37 AM	#4
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	THE CRICKET Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common? A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason. Q. What is the height of optimism? A. An English batsman applying sunscreen. Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket? A. A bat. Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman? A. An all-rounder. Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates? A. At least they can say they're not really English. Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick? A. Three runs in three balls. Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name? A. A bowler. Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen? A. The walk back to the pavilion. Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad? A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats. Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player? A. Because he was born in England. Q. What does "Ashes" stand for? A. Another Sad Horrific English Series. Q. What's the English version of LBW? A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped. Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team? A. The person who ironed the cricket whites. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-10-2006, 08:53 AM	#5
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	- yes we deserve it Can I at least salvage some national pride by suggesting that those jokes are so cutting they were written by someone English? __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

11-24-2006, 10:10 AM	#7
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	I call bullshit, one of those is Terry Pratchett. __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

11-24-2006, 01:55 PM	#8
Stress Puppy Elite Elitist Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Fresno, CA Posts: 359	Another is Douglas Adams. Rocks are too big says I. __________________ ~Stress Puppy~ Mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur

12-07-2006, 04:03 PM	#3
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-inTV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!" (Yup... my son would be sharing my chair...)

11-24-2006, 09:24 AM	#6
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	lol ok here are some actual anologies some high school teacher collected. http://writingenglish.wordpress.com/...lish-teachers/ She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. hehehe I think that last one was cute.

11-24-2006, 03:23 PM	#9
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	So this person lied? A rose by any other name and all. Shakesphere. ps. ....oh and don't shoot the messenger DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER -- From "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings" by Gregory Y. Titelman: "Don't shoot the messenger. Don't blame the person who brings bad news. This idea was expressed by Sophocles as far back as 442 B.C. and much later by Shakespeare in 'Henry IV, Part II' (1598) and in 'Antony and Cleopatra' (1606-07) The word kill may be used as a substitute for 'shoot.'" Related saying: "Don't shoot the piano-player; he's doing the best he can. Don't hurt innocent people. Originated in the United States in the Wild West, around 1860. During his 1883 tour of the United States, Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) saw this saying on a notice in a Leadville, Colorado, saloon. It is sometimes attributed to Mark Twain, but neither Wilde nor Twain has ever claimed authority." Sophocles probably called bullshit on Shakesphere.

11-24-2006, 04:50 PM	#10
Shocker Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Your Mom's house Posts: 378	A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. Don't resist his advances, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too." __________________ “I live only for posterity. Death is nothing, but to live defeated and without glory is to die everyday." - Napolean Bonaparte

11-25-2006, 08:23 AM	#11
Stress Puppy Elite Elitist Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Fresno, CA Posts: 359	I doubt the site's author is full of it, but I bet the writers have read some funny books recently. __________________ ~Stress Puppy~ Mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur

11-30-2006, 11:51 AM	#12
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Unusual eBay feedback POSITIVE: Item shipped quickly, have been having erotic dreams about seller. Thanks! POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside? NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should've poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded. NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities. NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised. NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents. POSITIVE: I don't really remember what I ordered. But I've been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it's great! NEGATIVE: Product didn't work, possibly broken. I woke up this morning and was disappointed to find I still believe in Jesus Christ our Savior. POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the "Rolex". HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bhats via Eastern Union Moneygram. POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks! NEGATIVE: The dog won't hunt. NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it's a size 34, not a 63 as advertised. NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe. POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I've ever bought. Allah Akbar! NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24. POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio... was that you? POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+! NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair. NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I'd hoped. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

11-27-2006, 10:10 AM	#13
Shocker Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Your Mom's house Posts: 378	THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEPING STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID, "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM." A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND." THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE; SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.......... THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID.............. "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX. __________________ “I live only for posterity. Death is nothing, but to live defeated and without glory is to die everyday." - Napolean Bonaparte

11-28-2006, 04:14 PM	#14
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. And her father is a doctor. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is this wonderful girl's name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-29-2006, 10:00 AM	#15
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	True story: when my gay Jewish friend came out to his mother, she said, "Well, if it's gonna be a boy, at least let it be a nice Jewish boy."

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